Girls’ Embarrassment Volume 5 – Evil Weird Head Shaving Bitch (part 2)

WARNING – THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL SCENES. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ ABOUT THESE THINGS HAPPENING TO FICTIONAL PEOPLE, SCROLL ON.

TWO WEEKS PREVIOUSLY

Angela sat behind her desk, watching Suzanna laugh with one of the guys. And the younger guys in the office all acted like she wasn’t even there  – but were drawn to Suzanna. A MILF? Isn’t that what they would call her? Yet Angela was invisible. And they were the same age! That stupid cow thought she was special, so sexy.

At the Christmas dinner last year, her husband had openly flirted with her, and all but ignored Angela all night. She couldn’t do much about her husband’s wondering eyes, but the least Suzanna could do was not flirt with somebody else’s husband – while she was in the same room!

What did they see in her anyway? Today, her big boobs were probably half the attraction. If not all of it, squeezed together in a push up bra, while she wore a top that was too low cut to ever wear in an office.

Her hair, a frizzy, wavy mess was clearly dyed dark ginger, with a few silvery greys threading their way in. Although it gave Angela a sort of twisted satisfaction that it had started to noticeably thin a little on top now she’d hit the menopause.

Maybe it was her Portuguese accent they found sexy? A bit of novelty? Guys loved exotic women.

But Angela had a big smile on her face. She found out that Suzanna had been stealing from work. Just a little bit. £20 here. £15 there. But it had added up to over £1000. She has been quietly gathering the evidence for other a year.

At lunch, she was going to corner her in the ladies, and make her regret ever flirting with her husband.

PRESENT DAY

Sammy was peeling the reduced sticker off the petrol station flower bouquet in the lift. He wasn’t expecting Bea to let him up. He expected to have to do a lot more cajoling at the intercom than he did. Rapping on her apartment door, he rocked back and forth on the heel of his Cubans as she undid the chain. Overwhelmed with sympathy – that was how he was going to act. He’d decided in the lift to not even attempt to inject some humour into things.

Bea opened the door dressed in a hoodie, with the hood up. No make up.

‘Bea, I am so -‘

‘Get in.’ she shut the door behind him. ‘Go sit in the lounge.’

‘Lead the way.’

Bea stomped on ahead of him. ‘Forgetting you ain’t been here before.’

As Sammy stepped into the lounge he was surprised at how normal it was. Magnolia walls, a grey fabric sofa and pine wood melded onto one. What was he expecting? Whips on the walls? Hair clippers suspended from the ceiling?

A re-run of Friends was playing on the TV, empty mugs were dotted around the glass coffee table and the curtains were shut.

‘I bought these for you.’ He offered the flowers.

‘Thanks.’ Bea took them from him without a hint of gratitude in her voice, and put them on the table without bothering to take the wrapping off.

‘Bea, I would just like to say how deeply, deeply, sorry I am. What happened that night was wrong, and I feel…I dunno…In some way responsible.’

She sank down onto a sofa. ‘Did you get AI to write that apology for you?’

‘No!’ Sammy replied, genuinely offended. ‘I just know I can be a twat, and I want to make sure I’m not coming across as a twat.’

‘You’re never not a twat, Sammy. So don’t even bother.’ She took off her hood, revealing dark stubble that covered her big head. Sammy could just about see a mole under the fine covering of hair.

‘Hey, it’s grown back a bit.’

‘Sammy. Don’t try and make me feel better.’ she pointed to herself. ‘I look like shit. I know I do. And you probably like that, in fact it’s probably even turning you on.’

‘Bea, don’t be like that, I came here to -‘

‘Shut up. OK? Just be quiet. You know what I thought as they were pulling my tits out and shaving me?’

He shook his head.

‘I deserve this. For my part in that fucked up television show, I deserve it.’ she rubbed her stubble with her hand. ‘Didn’t fucking enjoy it, but I deserve it.’

‘So, you’re not pissed off with me?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Cause it ain’t your fault. Something like this was going to happen sooner or later, weren’t it?’

Sammy nodded, pleased he wasn’t getting the abuse he’d been anticipating. ‘Can I sit down?’

‘Sure.’

He got settled into an armchair opposite her.

For a few moments, they were silent. Sammy waited until the TV ads came on to break it. ‘So…Are you coming back?’

Bea sighed, sounding like an airbed somebody had punctured. ‘So this is what this is about? Not coming round to see how I am?’

‘Well, that too. But Bea, I’ve worked with you for what, 15 years?’ he leaned forwards and said gently: ‘Of course I want to know if you’re coming back.’

‘The answer is no.’

‘Come on, give it time.’

‘Sammy, I said no…How the fuck can I return? They tore my clothes off and shaved off my hair…Any idea how traumatic that is? And before you say anything it’s nothing like what we did to the girls we had on the show. This wasn’t consensual. I haven’t even been outside since this happened.’

He let her words sink in for a moment. ‘I’m sorry. But if you do decide you want to carry on, the doors is open. I’ll make sure of that.’

‘How can you even think of carrying on?’

‘I’ve been told that the shareholders want us to carry on -‘’

‘Christ alive, Sammy. Is this all you have in your life?’ She turned to look at him. ‘Just Girls’ Embarrassment? Is that it?’

‘Well I…Yeah, pretty much. Why, is there something wrong with that?’

‘Yes. Very. What will you do, what will you actually do if they cancel it?’ She clicked her fingers. ‘Like that. Gone. Ever thought about how empty your life would be?’

He stared at her.

‘Exactly.’ Bea said. ‘I’m moving on Sammy. I think you should too.’

*

Sammy unlocked the SL which he’d had to park in a disabled visitor’s spot. Somebody from the press had probably seen it and would sell it one of the rags and make a double paged spread out of it, but he didn’t care. Girls’ Embarrassment could be in serious peril.

Mo had made it clear to him (after he had finished throwing office stationary at the walls) that if Bea wasn’t there, it wasn’t going to run. It thrived on a rowdy panel show atmosphere.

Filming was due in two day’s time. They were planning on doing the Portuguese woman. He’d been looking forwards to that. Rico Shaft had been booked, he wasn’t exactly looking forwards to that, though.

An idea struck him as he pulled onto the street. A mad one, but it might work.

Sammy took advantage of the lighter mid-morning traffic and raced back to the office.

*

The Girls’ Embarrassment office was on the top floor of the television centre, away from most of the action. It was as if Netfilms were ashamed of it and wanted to put it in the loft, like somebody would do with a collection of porn mags so visitors can’t find them. A life-size cut out of himself greeted Sammy as it opened the door. The cardboard version of was in a crushed purple velvet jacket and silk shirt, winking and giving the thumbs up. A speech bubble was attached to the side of his head: “Don’t let your Mum know you watch it!”.

He often wondered what his own Mum would think of him, if she could see him now. Occasionally, during an attack of morality he would cast his eyes up and mutter: ‘Sorry.’

Snippets of conversation drifted over to him, and Bea was the topic.

“They pixilated everything out on the news, at least there’s that”, “Honestly, she didn’t look like the same girl without her hair” and one “I can’t help but think she had it coming”.

Sammy stood in front of the meeting rooms with his hands on his hips, waiting to be noticed. It was a fairly small office, six rows of desks but only a few of them occupied. The conversation died down, and all eyes fell on him.

Finally, one of the editing guys spoke up. A 30 something with a Hall and Oates moustache and a t-shirt with VHS tapes on it. ‘Have you seen her?’

‘Yes, yes I have.’ Sammy put on a solemn tone. ‘It was emotional. She wept when she saw me, hugged me. Held me so tightly.’

‘Awwh.’ Somebody said.

‘So, how is she?’ He asked.

‘Broken.’ For once Sammy wasn’t embellishing or putting on an act. Silence hung in the room, and everyone made sad facial expressions.

‘I hate to ask,’ The editing guy said, after a socially acceptable amount of time had passed. ‘But…Are our jobs safe? Are they really going to cancel the show?’

Sammy shrugged and sat on a vacant desk, next to a sickly peace lily. ‘I don’t know. I’m going to see if I can do anything to save the situation…But…I can’t make promises.’

‘What are you gonna do?’ A woman’s voice. In the far corner, under an alcove sat Tilly, craning her neck to be seen over her computer monitor.

‘Actually, I wanted to speak to you about that.’ He waggled his index finger at her and slid off the table.

The room was still silent.

‘Well crack on with it!’ He shouted. ‘It’s not ever yet!’

The office chat had gradually built up again as Sammy found Tilly’s desk. She was the only one on her row of desks, and seemed to have made her corner of the office a little home from home.

Posters for Emo bands and Indie Rock groups covered the walls of her dividers. A pen holder shaped like a sugar skull was next to her keyboard, and fairy lights were draped around her monitor, which had a picture of Hagrid from Harry Potter blu-tacked to it.

‘You wanted to talk to me about something?’

‘Ah, yes.’ Sammy took a spare chair, and wheeled it closer to her desk. ‘I know you were on the team working on the last series, so I have an important question to ask you.’

She smiled, baring her gummy grin and crooked teeth which he found oddly endearing, then turned her chair to face him.

Sammy was pleased there was no awkwardness after their last meeting.

‘OK…’ she clasped her hands across her lap and crossed her legs, like she was about to be interviewed. It was done with an ironic fussiness. Tilly was one of those people who always had an air of piss taking to them, even if it wasn’t obvious what or who they were taking the piss out of. ‘Go ahead.’

‘How would you like…’ Sammy let his words hang for a second before finishing. ‘To go on TV?’

Tilly wasn’t able to hide her delight as her eyes lit up. ‘Are you being serious?!’

‘Shhush, shhush, shhush, shhush.’ He hissed. ‘This is off the books right now, we’re very much flying under the radar. Where’s the nearest place we can talk without anybody hearing us?’ he whispered.

‘Probably the staff canteen?’

‘Lead the way.’

The lunch rush was over and it was all but abandoned. Sammy bought a pot of tea for himself, and at her request, and iced latte for Tilly.

They found seating which was shielded from the rest of the room by a giant indoor plant.

‘So you want me to go on television?’

He nodded, peering into the teapot. It didn’t look strong enough yet. ‘Uh hum.’

‘OK, this is the bit I’m a bit nervous about, doing what?’

‘Presenting. And a little bit of head shaving.’

Tilly’s face changed. ‘I get it. You want me to replace Bea.’

‘Replace is such a cold word. I prefer, uhh, “taking the mantel from.”‘

‘What?’ her drawn on eyebrows knitted together when she frowned. ‘That’s the most mental thing I’ve heard in ages. I’ve never shaved anybody’s head before and…I don’t think I want to.’

‘Oh, nothing to it.’ Sammy waved her words away with a glib hand. ‘You really think you need skill to do that? Really?’

‘You always went on about skilled Bea was, how brilliant she was with the clippers, so yeah, I kinda assumed you needed a little bit of skill.’

‘That was just for the cameras. Any idiot can shave heads.’

‘Great, so it’s a job for somebody talentless.’

Sammy rolled his eyes. ‘I didn’t say that. I mean you don’t need a special skillset to take some clippers, and,’ gestured a shaving motion with his hand, ‘bzzzzzz, bye-bye hair. But I’ll tell you what do need – charisma. And you’ve got that.’

‘Really?’ she smiled modestly.

‘Sure,’ Sammy cooed. ‘By the bucket load.’ He didn’t think Tilly was more or less charismatic than anybody else in the building. But he saw her eagerness to please making her a potential useful idiot. And he fancied her.

She was quiet, considering his words.

‘So,’ he added a splash of milk. ‘What do you say?’

‘I mean…I think it’s awesome that you’re giving me the chance…Y’know, I’ve never been on TV…Would like to though.’ she sipped her iced latte, put it down, and ran her tongue across her teeth. ‘But I dunno dude…Seems like a kinda bad idea. Look at what happened to Bea.’

‘Oh, she had it coming. Always trying to get a rise on social media, always boasting about how horrible she made the girls look, she got a kick out of being mean. Quite frankly I thought she took it too far,’ Sammy tried backing his bare faced lie up with a sad shake of his head. ‘And look at me. Unscathed.’

‘Did she? I never saw that side of her?’

Sammy puffed out his cheeks and blew out. ‘Ooh, you didn’t know her like I did. Evil cow. They’ll leave you alone.’

‘This still feels…I feel like the word is toxic, y’know?’ she flapped her hands around as she spoke. ‘I love working here but…I don’t know if I should be looking to move on.’

‘Tilly, Tilly, look at it this way,’ Sammy began to take on an almost fatherly tone. ‘Does it say Girls’ Embarrassment on your CV? On your LinkedIn page?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So you’re already connected to my toxic show. Just as well get maximum exposure out of it?’

She was quiet again.

‘And, y’know, I think we could work well together. We could go places, you and me.’

‘This still sounds like a massive fucking risk, I won’t lie to you.’

‘Tilly, if you never take a risk you will never get anywhere in life. All the greats in life – all the creatives we speak about for decades after – all risk takers!’

‘Really?’

‘Sure.’

‘Name one.’

Sammy racked his brain. He had to think of someone. ‘Micheal Jackson.’

She made a snort. ‘The dude slept in an oxygen tent with a monkey, and his fucking nose fell off.’

‘OK, bad example. But you see my point?’

‘Not really. Sammy, not gonna lie mate I would -‘

He cut her off. ‘Tilly, this is the opportunity of a lifetime I’m giving you.’ When he touched her knee, she didn’t pull away. ‘As a little girl did you ever dream about being famous?’

‘Well, I, guess…Maybe…A little bit. But it wasn’t like-’

‘Oh, of course you did.’ he butted in, squeezing her knee ever tighter. ‘Don’t pass this up, some people go their whole lives wanting this kind of thing and never even get close. And I’m offering it to you on a plate!’ He finally let her knee go.

She was eyeing him suspiciously. ‘Do you even have the kind of power? To just decide who goes on TV?’

‘Tilly, you will find I have a phenomenal amount of sway in this place, I’m one of their biggest stars.’

‘You got the sway, yeah? Mr Big Swinging Dick, right?’ she was talking in that monotone piss taking voice again.

‘Sure. I’ve got to tuck it into my socks as I walk.’

She laughed into her latte, sending bubbles into it through the straw. ‘Ok,’ she said when she’d finally managed to take a sip. ‘I hear what you’re saying and I – I guess I’m flattered. But that means I have to see other girls naked right? That’s weird. I don’t want to see other people’s vaginas OK, I just don’t.’ Tilly was speaking obnoxiously loudly, which got a glare from a man and woman talking about cost saving incentives on another table. Sammy pretended not to see. ‘I’m not like a prude or something. But seriously, if the first thing I see when I start work is somebody’s bush, I’m going to question the meaning of my life. And you haven’t even spoken about money yet.’

‘You’ll be on what Bea was earning.’

‘Which was?’

‘5k a show.’

‘Shit, really?’

‘Really.’ Sammy took a gulp of tea. ‘And that’s just for the next show. If you’re good at it, and if the serious carries on you’ll be making bank.’

She was quiet for a moment and Sammy let her sit and think. ‘I’m still worried. What if there’s another protest outside, right? You say they’re not gonna drag me into the street and get my tits out and shave my head, and I’m just meant to believe you?’

‘Does this look like a face that would lie to you?’

‘Yes, it literally looks like a face that would lie to me.’

He had to smile. ‘You’re gonna have to trust me on this one.’

‘Yeah, because that’s exactly what I think of when I see you – “hey, that guy who laughs at naked girls while they get their heads shaved,” ‘she turned in her seat, and spoke to an imaginary person next to her, ‘ “He’s a real stand up guy, isn’t he?”. ‘

‘Tilly, if you’re that worried, how does this sound? After filming, you can go back home with me.’

‘After filming,’ she spoke slowly and deliberately, ‘I can go back home with you. Mr Packham, do you know how sleazy and sexpesty – is sexpesty even a word? – that makes you sound?’

‘No, no, not like that!’ he threw his hands up. ‘I mean so you feel safe.’

‘Because you’re such a fucking gentleman right?’ she said in her dry drawl.

‘Yes, really, as the lord is my witness.’ he put a hand on his chest. ‘You can have my spare room. I’ve got a z-bed and everything.’

‘Your spare room, yeah? The one with the rohypnol and the handcuffs?’

‘Yeah, of course,’ Sammy just realised what she’d said: ‘No! No of course not!’

She grinned. ‘I’m fucking with you, allow it.’

‘So you’ll do it?’

‘What the hell. If they cancel Girls’ Embarrassment I’m out of a job, so I guess 5k would be useful. And…Well how often do you get to shave another girl’s head? Looks kinda fun, not gonna lie.’

‘You might get the taste for it.’ he winked as he got up. ‘Call me later, and we’ll go through everything. Well done, Tilly. You’ve just played your part in saving a landmark British television programme. I’m getting on the phone to Rico so I can tell him he’s still needed.’

‘Rico?’

‘You must have seen him the porn star guy?’

‘Yeah, I’ve seen him. We were talking about doing an action figure of him with a choice of two…never mind. So I’m going to have to watch while he…oh, man, really?’

Sammy nodded. ‘Baptism of fire, I know. I need to call him. Mend some bridges, I need all the friends I can get right now.’ He got his phone out of his pocket as he walked away, leaving Tilly staring into her latte.

*

Jet lagged and wrung out, Rico Shaft practically fell into the back seats of the Mercedes Netfillms sent for him.

The driver slammed the boot lid after struggling with his bags, and by the time he was behind the wheel Rico had already shut his eyes.

‘Crazy times, right Bossman?’

Rico didn’t open his eyes when the driver spoke to him. ‘Sure.’

‘You see that episode with the girl they made run down the street naked?’

He kept his eyes shut, face pressed against the glass, feeling the car pull away. ‘I don’t follow the show.’

The guy kept jabbering at him. ‘I’m telling you it was insane. Sammy was laughing and roasting her the whole time while she was cussing him out, then this angry geezer, yeah? Tried opening the door and going after us but I was outta there! It was a mad ting, no cap, I’m telling you – it was mad.’

Rico was about to tell the guy to shut the fuck up when he heard a phone ring. He opened his eyes and the saw driver pick up an old style car phone, which he was pretty sure was illegal. ‘Yeah?…Sure, he’s right here.’ The driver passed him the phone as they emerged from the pick up zone at Heathrow. ‘He wants to speak to you, Bossman.’

‘Who does?’

‘Sammy.’

Rico made growling sound as the phone was passed to him on an old-fashioned curly wire. He just wanted some shut eyes. ‘The fuck do you want?’

‘Ahh, that’s the Rico we know and love.’ Sammy voice was tinny and harsh down the phone. ‘How was the flight?’

‘It sucked balls. Thank you for asking.’

‘Ahh, now there’s a man who knows all about sucking balls.’

‘Cut the crap. What do you want?’

‘I wanted to pass on some good news, Mr Shaft. You will still be needed tomorrow.’

‘I don’t care because I’ll still be charging your sorry British arses even if I’m not. You know what? I’d rather I wasn’t needed.’

‘Come now, there’s no need to be like that. The lady I’ve got for isn’t as uptight as the last one, nicer tits too.’

‘Sammy, I don’t give a fuck. I used to see tits everyday.’

He carried on talking. ‘She’s exotic, too! Portuguese, so that will make a change for you – a bit old though.’

‘Wait? How old? I’m not doing somebody’s Grandma am I?’

’47.’

Rico sat up straight. ‘Sammy, you disrespectful son-of-a-bitch she’s the same age as me.’

‘Well, you’ll bond well with here then. Mind you, she’s not that much older than me. Time, it just keeps on marching on, know what I mean?’

Rico shut his eyes again. ‘Do you have anything to say I need to hear? If not, get off the damn phone.’

‘Yes, I do. We got off on the wrong foot when we met.’

‘Oh, you think?’ Rico’s voice was loaded with sarcasm.

‘Look, I want to change that. Why don’t you come over to my place during your visit? And uhh, shoot the shit. Isn’t that what you guys say?’

He sighed. ‘I just want to screw this woman, get my money, and go back to L.A, ok? I don’t like your country, I don’t like your food, I don’t like your crappy hotels. So spare me the kindly British guy, crap OK?’

‘Hey now, don’t get so upset. I’m a friendly guy, right? And I’m sure if we got to know each other, we could be friends. If you get time, come and visit me. Flat 32, Savile House, Warwick Crescent. Kettle’s always on.’

‘Look here, buddy, I don’t give a shit about your goddamn kettle. I’d rather be friends with fucking Osama Bin Laden.’ Rico ended the call and threw the phone back towards the driver.

*

SHAVE DAY

Sammy watched while Hannah the make up girl finish getting Tilly camera ready for the first time.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked her from his normal spot on the sofa.

She was looking at herself in the mirror. ‘Excited. Bit nervous.’

‘All completely natural. And it’s going to be a hit, I really think you’ll knock ’em dead.’ It was strange for Sammy to be backstage with anybody but Bea. Maybe this was going to be the new normal?

‘Shaving somebody’s head for the first time…I guess that will be kinda fun. But I keep thinking what will happen if I mess it up?’

‘Mess it up?’ Sammy said. ‘It’s quite literally impossible to mess up shaving somebody’s head, Tilly. That’s not something you can screw up, unless you cut her head open.’

‘Thanks for putting that in my mind. Jesus Christ. What do I do if she starts crying? Don’t a lot of girls on this thing cry?’

‘Laugh and get on with it?’

‘Sammy,’ Hannah chided him. ‘That’s horrible.’

‘Yeah,’ Tilly was pouting ‘I’m not mean.’

He got up and patted her shoulder. ‘If you’re going to be shaving a woman’s head you’ve got to be at least a little bit mean.’

‘I don’t know,’ Hannah was dousing Tilly in hair spray. ‘What about hairdressers shaving heads for charity? They’re not mean.’

‘I think they get a secret kick out of it.’

‘You’re projecting. Not everyone is as sick as you.’ Tilly said, eyes shut as she got sprayed.

‘Wow, this really is like having Bea back.’ Sammy laughed.

‘I fucking hope not!’ Tilly opened her eyes when Hannah was done with the spray. ‘I really don’t want to end up like her.’

Sammy sat back down and opened up his phone. X was getting busy again. ‘That’s quite understandable.’

A link to a news story had found its way onto his timeline:

Girls’ Embarrassment To Reveal New Host – but what does this mean for the controversial show’s future?

The normal flurry of angry comments swirled around it.

His inbox was overflowing with messages from strangers which he wasn’t going to bother responding to. It felt like business as normal.

Tilly got up from the chair, and Sammy could see she was going for a completely different style of dress to Bea. She wore a Weird Al Yankovitch t-shirt, black and yellow chequered belt, jeans and high top trainers.

Sammy guessed she was one of those emo girl’s who morphed onto ’80s/’90s retro girls when being emo became a bit too passe. ‘Want me to run through things with you one more time?’

‘No. I actually think I’m good now.’

He smiled. ‘In that case, welcome to your new career. I have a feeling we’re going to look good together on stage. Now are you ready to meet Rico?’

Rico was waiting in the staff room, wearing his signature tight black t-shirt and dark jeans.

‘Good to see you haven’t changed your carefully curated wardrobe.’ Sammy said by way of greeting, holding out his hand.

‘Good to see you still buy your clothes in thrift stores.’ To Sammy’s surprise, he took his hand and shook it, pulling him towards him. ‘How you been, man?’

‘Oh, you know, coping,’ Rico gripped Sammy’s hand a little too hardly and a little too long for his liking. ‘How about you.’

‘You know me.’ Rico finally let go of Sammy’s hand. ‘Always grinding.’

Sammy resisted the urge to make a funny quip, instead turning to Tilly. ‘This is Tilly by the way. Our new barber.’

‘I was wondering when you were going to tell me who this cute goth chick is. Hey,’ Rico said, looking her up and down. ‘You look good. You’ll look even better on TV.’

Sammy could tell Tilly wasn’t quite sure how to take the comment, but she gave a bashful smile. ‘Thanks, and you know its actually pretty fucking cool to meet you.’

‘She was going to make an action figure of you at one time.’ Sammy nudged Tilly gently.

Rico seemed to find that genuinely funny and burst out laughing. ‘Do it!’

‘That would be something interesting to go under the Christmas tree.’ Sammy quipped, feeling slightly put out when he saw Tilly was still full engaged with Rico and not laughing at his joke.

‘It’s kinda weird to meet a real-life porn star. If I can call you that? Is it ok to call you that?’

‘Sweetheart, I’ve been called a lot worse things than that in my time. But you think meeting me is weird, when you work with that fruit loop?’ He nodded towards Sammy.

*

‘It’s not funny. I don’t know why you’re smiling.’ Suzanna hugged herself in the lift. She was wearing a blouse with puffy shoulders, skinny jeans, heels, and had a silver necklace with a sparkly “s” pendant on it.

‘Oh, honey, I’m sorry. But you should have thought about that before you had your fingers in the till. You can always pull out, say you don’t want to do it?’

Suzanna glared at her. ‘You know I can’t do that.’

‘And why can’t you?’

Suzanna was quiet, looking down at her feet. ‘You know why.’

Angela sounded like she was really enjoying it now. ‘Tell me why you can’t?’

Suzanna had had it drummed into her by Angela why. Now, she thought the cow just liked hearing her repeat it. She was probably enjoying the power. ‘Because you will go to the police and my boss if I do.’ Suzanna spoke robotically, as if reading from a script she wasn’t enjoying very much. ‘I will lose my job and probably go to jail.’

‘So I reckon,’ Angela played with her trashy bleached blonde hair, in a way which Suzanna was certain was intended to rub salt into the wound. ‘You’re getting off rather lightly.’

‘Getting off lightly,’ Suzanna repeated Angela’s words back to her. Damn the English language and its idioms. But she had a good idea what it meant. ‘I am not getting off lightly. Angela, I’m going to be balded,’ was balded the right word? The way Angela grinned made her think that it was. ‘And undressed. Everyone looking at me, laughing at me, saying “ooh look at how horrible she looks, isn’t it great” and then a stranger is going to have sex with me in front of all these people!’ She shouted.

Angela’s smile had just gotten bigger. ‘I’d enjoy it. I don’t think any man is going to want to touch you without your hair.’

Suzanna felt those words physically hit her. ‘My husband is going to hate it.’ She slumped against the walls. ‘What man wants a bald wife?’

‘Have you told him yet?’

Her face contorted with sadness. ‘No.’

‘Wow,’ Angela said softly. ‘He still has no idea? Somebody’s in for a shock.’ She went to touch her shoulder but Suzanna shrugged her hand off.

The lift doors opened and they were confronted by a cardboard cutout of that horrible man.

Standing next to it was a nerdy looking guy in his twenties. ‘Hi! Suzanna?’ He sounded far more cheerful than he should be.

All she could managed was a nod of her head.

‘And your friend, Angela?’

‘You could say I’m her friend.’ Angela flicked her hair again. ‘I got a complimentary ticket.’

The young man made a soppy smile. ‘Ahh, coming to support your friend, that’s lovely.’

*

It turned out once Tilly had gotten over any initial weirdness about Rico, they both had a quite a lot in common. Sammy found him locked out of the conversation as they spoke about how much they missed The Offspring, and why Stone Temple Pilots were better than Nirvana.

The door to the staff room opened, and Matt stepped in.

‘Sammy, Suzanna and her friend are here. Ready to meet them?’

‘Absolutely!’ Sammy lept into life, feeling like he had a use again.

Rico broke off from the conversation he had been so absorbed in with Tilly. ‘Looks like this show is about to get on the road.’

Tilly came back to Sammy, as if seeking comfort. ‘Oh god, this will be so fucking weird.’ she whispered. ‘I’m going to shave this lady’s head…And watch her get fucked.’

‘Hey, that’s showbiz – or it is for us. Get used to it.’

As Angela walked in ahead of Suzanna, Sammy had a sense of her being dragged in. Like a dog which didn’t want to go to the vets.

It was easy to tell the two apart. He’d seen Suzanna’s photo before, but not Angela’s. Angela looked like she would be fun to have on the show as well – her face was caked in heavy make up, in a bad attempt to cover up wrinkles. Cartoonish fake eyelashes made her eyes look bigger than they really were.

‘Ladies – thank you for joining us!’

Suzanna made the smallest, sickliest attempt at a smile while Angela beamed, red lipstick covered lips creasing into a smile.

‘Suzanna – you look even lovelier than your photo,’ before his compliment had time to land, he added: ‘although that will be the other way around soon.’

‘Don’t say things like that too a woman!’ She snapped.

Sammy lightly tapped Angela on the shoulder. ‘Is your friend always this tetchy?’

‘Well,’ Angela looked at Suzanna as she spoke, in the same way a parent would talk about a naughty child in their presence, trying to shame them into behaving better. ‘She has been since all of this kicked off.’

Sammy noticed Suzanna looked like she was literally biting her tongue, trying not to speak. He was getting an almost dom/sub vibe from the two of them.

‘I have to say,’ Sammy picked through the detritus covering the table where tea and biscuits were laid out, trying to find his paperwork. ‘This is all quite spicy. Genuine, real-life blackmail.’

‘And you’re so casual about it,’ Suzanna waved a thin, tanned hand in the air. ‘Like this is no big thing.’

‘Ah, now you see.’ Sammy found his paperwork, and started to skim through it to remind himself of all the details. ‘That is where you are wrong. I am never casual in my work. It is a very serious job, and I take it seriously.’

‘And that’s why you roll out dressed like Huggy Bear, huh?’ Rico was helping himself to tea.

Tilly giggled like a school girl. Sammy straightened his jacket indignantly.

‘And this is Mr Shaft.’ Sammy said, deadpan, trying to make a comedic moment of it, pointing to the pornstar with both hands.

‘Your tea tastes like crap.’ Rico took one sip and put it down again. ‘And you’re the lady I’ll be performing with later?’ He looked Suzanna up and down. ‘You ain’t so bad.’

‘Not so bad?’ Suzanna gave him a forlorn look

‘No,’ Rico continued. ‘Sammy, do I get to work with this one before or after your friend gives her the Dr Evil haircut?’

Sammy had finished skimming through the notes. ‘Both!’

At that, Suzanna let out a moan as she found a seat. She was touching her hair. ‘It’s already a bad thing that you’re going to shave off my hair, but making me…Do things on camera?’ she shook her head, then said quickly. ‘I don’t think I can do it.’

Angela shrugged, looking across to Sammy. ‘You’re the one going to jail, Suzanna.’

‘Oh God,’ she heaved in and out heavily, already looking like she might pass out. ‘I’m choosing between two bad things…which is more bad…?’ Suzanna’s voice trailed off. ‘I dunno.’

‘Only you can decide that.’ Sammy used a tone that he thought was supportive. ‘So, Angela – are you her manager or something?’

‘Nah,’ Angela waved a dismissive hand. ‘Just her friend. Or her co-worker. Whichever. We’ve been working together for a while, so I know what’s best for her. If I go to the police, her life is going down the toilet.’

‘You sound like you like the idea of that?’ Sammy stroked his beard.

‘I’m not a vindictive woman. I try not to be. And if Suzanna hadn’t have been such a slut, maybe this would be going differently.’ she looked at her co-worker with something approaching sadness.

‘I am not,’ Suzanna banged her fists against the chair arms. ‘A slut! You make it sound like I slept with your husband, when all I did was laugh at his jokes, be nice to him, try to be nice company. You’re a crazy person, Angela!’

Tilly took a couple of steps back from the group. Sammy saw a clear difference between his new co-host and himself, there. He was wanting to wade into the drama and poke the hornet’s nest, while she retreated from it. ‘Now I think slut is too stronger word, please ladies, calm down.’ He put his arm over Rico’s shoulder, making a pally pose. ‘If you were a slut you’d be wrapping your lips around my friend’s penis by now.’

‘That’s enough!’ she stood up, and waggled her finger at Sammy. He jumped back, closer to Tilly. ‘You have no respect, Sammy Packham!’ Suzanna shouted. ‘I might be on your television show but you still need to treat me right. Do you understand me?’

Her fiery outburst reminded Sammy of woman loosing their shit on Latin American soap operas. ‘Alright, point taken! Just trying to loosen you up, that’s all.’

‘I don’t need to loosen up.’ She slapped him in the face, the smacking sound making Tilly jump.

‘Ow! Bloody hell fire, woman. Alright, alright.’ Sammy touched his tingling cheek. She would pay for that. He didn’t know how, but she would.

She gave him a glare that could cut through rock, then said. ‘I’m going to the ladies.’ and stormed out.

Rico looked amused, Tilly looked stunned while Angela still had a big shit-eating grin on her face as she said: ‘I think you’ve pushed her buttons, Sammy.’

Sammy was still rubbing his cheek. ‘I think I might have done. What a psycho.’

‘So do you not feel like,’ Tilly made a winding motion with her hands, as if trying to coax the right words out. ‘Guilty for doing this to her?’ she asked.

‘No, not at all.’ Angela replied instantly. ‘She’s having to deal with this thing called consequences. If you don’t mind me asking you: who are you?’

Tilly looked over to Sammy, who nodded as if to say “go on then”. ‘I’m Bea’s replacement. It’s my first show.’

‘Oh, I see. So were you a hairdresser before doing this?’

‘No, I actually work in the marketing department normally.’

Sammy gently took hold of Tilly’s forearm. ‘And this will be her first head shave. Isn’t that sweet?’

‘Have you even cut hair before?’ Angela said, keeping the polite conversation going.

‘No.’ Tilly broke into a laugh, as she realised how ridiculous the whole thing was.

This seemed to delight Angela, and Tilly noticed a devilish glint in her eyes. ‘Don’t worry too much. In fact – do me a favour – nick her scalp when you shave her, it would serve her right.’

*

Sammy walked on stage to the biggest applause of his career. The stage floor shook to it.

‘Thank you, thank you.’ When he spoke, he didn’t even hear his own voice through the speakers.

A few whistles pierced the air, and a several people were standing as they clapped. He stood, let it wash over him, and after close to it a minute it died down.

‘Thank you.’ he said again. ‘I would like to start by dedicating this to somebody who is very, very, dear to us all. The one and only Bea.’ this prompted another round of applause. Sammy picked up where he left off, once the clapping had finished. ‘Now, as you might imagine she needs all the love and care we can send her. I saw her last night, as we do have a very special bond. She’s staying strong. And I wish, her and her family all the very best.’ This was a complete lie. Sammy did not give a single shit about her family, and now she was unlikely to return, very little shits about Bea herself. It was as if she simply stopped existing to him. ‘It was a vile, vile, sadistic act and everyone – me, all the staff in the office – all condemn this senseless barbarism.’ He paused for effect. ‘Now, the show must go on. As you’ll have seen from the hints I’ve been putting X – a new, lovely lady is going to be joining us. Tilly! Come on out.’

From behind the stage, Tilly emerged. She appeared small and shy, but seemed to grow into the rapturous applause she got.

‘Now look at that, you’re yet to shave a single head, and you’re already a hit.’ he gave her a bearhug for the benefits of the cameras. He wanted to look warm and lovable. The fact that wrapping his arms around Tilly’s thin, pale body made him tingle of course, had nothing to do with it. ‘How are you feeling?’

Tilly grinned. ‘Bit nervous, if I’m honest.’

Sammy repositioned himself, so he had just an arm around her. ‘You’re nervous? Think about how our contestant tonight is feeling.’

When she laughed, it was a dirty, unguarded cackle. ‘Yeah, fair.’

‘We will get to know you a little better throughout the night, but why don’t you tell the audience how much experience of head shaving and hair cutting you have?’

‘None at all.’

‘So this means,’ Sammy said to the camera, ‘That you’ll all be watching her shave a head for the very first time. Isn’t that special? What an end to the series. And not only do we have a new face; as you liked him so much, we thought we’d invite him back – ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for Rico Shaft!’

Sammy was pleased that his applause wasn’t as big as the one he got, as Rico walked out on stage, waving to the crowd.

The producers had wanted to put in an ode to his acting career, so ’70s porno guitar music played him onto the stage.

He walked right past Sammy, and stood centre stage. ‘Hello Britain!’

Sammy jogged back, trying not to look pissed off. Rico wasn’t following the script. ‘Mr Shaft, welcome back. Are you happy to be here?’

‘I’ve been looking forwards to this for a long time buddy, I love coming here.’ it was his turn to lie. ‘I love the UK so much, I love the food, I love your cities,’ he pointed to Sammy, making a pistol with his hand. ‘I love your television. But most of all, I love it’s people!’

The crowed cheered back. Before Sammy could put a lid on them, Rico was talking again.

‘And do you guys love Rico?’ He spoke about himself in the 3rd person, what a dick, thought Sammy.

‘YES!’ Came back to him.

Sammy thought it was time to piss on his chips. ‘And do you all love Sammy?’

An even louder “YES”.

He gave Rico a not-very-subtle middle finger, which the audience laughed at.

‘So childish,’ Rico gave Sammy a get-a-load-of-this-guy look. ‘You guys deserve better, you know that?’

‘Well unfortunately,’ Sammy said, feeling himself finding his groove. ‘What you deserve and what you get are two very different things. What do we all say, we meet our contestant?’ an approving roar answered him, so he went back on the mic. ‘Please welcome, our first Milf of the season…Suzanna!’

Yet another huge round of applause welcomed her onto stage. When she walked on it wasn’t the confident strut she’d used when she stormed off to the ladies, but something closer to a shuffle.

Tilly and Rico moved to one side, so all focus was on Suzanna and Sammy. ‘Welcome along Suzanna, want to say hello to all those who have come to see you?’

With a deadpan expression she said, flatly and devoid of any emotion: ‘Hello.’

‘I’ve got here,’ Sammy read off a card. ‘That you like baking, family life and days out. That was the dullest profile I’ve had to read in a long time.’ He threw the card over his shoulder.

‘That’s so mean!’ Tilly gasped, bending down to pick the card up while Suzanna bit her lip, gazing off into the near distance. Obviously questioning the life choices that brought her hear, Sammy thought.

‘Well, who knows, maybe we can add getting your head shaved on stage as things you like? No? Well, never mind. Let’s move on. Now, if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?’

’47.’

‘Age is but a number – it’s also the highest we’ve had this season. Not a bad thing, Milfs are a lot harder to get on.’

‘A what?’ she asked him. ‘What is Milf?’

A few chuckles bubbled up from the seats.

‘Shall we tell her?’ Sammy looked around for support, and got some murmurs of agreement.

‘It stands for Mother I’d Like to Fuck.’ Rico told her, helpfully.

Suzanna looked as if she wanted to disappear. ‘Oh…’

‘What part do you object to?’ Sammy asked. ‘The M part, or the the F part?’

‘The F part. It’s rude. You people, you have no class at all.’

‘Oh dear.’ Sammy tutted. ‘We have never claimed to have any class on this show at all, so maybe it won’t be a surprise when I tell you its time to get your tits out?’

‘I beg your pardon?’ she raised her eyebrows, which were partly drawn on. ‘Do you ever listen to yourself speak?’

‘All the time, I’m my biggest fan.’ he grinned. ‘Come on now, off with the top.’

Her body language was tense and awkward, but she didn’t seem to want to give in. ‘Why do I have to do this? Giving you my hair is not enough?’

‘You want to go home without showing the audience your breasts? Some of these people have travelled hours to see this!’

‘I don’t care, it’s not a public thing, showing my breasts, it is very private.’ She chided him, as if he was a boy and should have known better. ‘But I said I’d do it.’

She fussed around with her top, smoothing it out, getting ready. Sammy could see the reluctance in her eyes, the regret at having agreed to this. Suzanna closed her eyes and lifted her top, and a small cheer rose from the audience.

Her tummy was a littler more pale than the rest of her, soft and round, but she was by no means fat. She lifted her top up over her head, and gently put it on the floor, keeping her necklace on.

Creamy white, and squeezed close together her big boobs sat upright and proud in a dark blue bra. The camera operator panned round to get a better view of her.

‘Great start, but that means your bra as well.’

‘OK, OK! I’m doing it, give me a chance, boy!’ She reached behind her and undid it, so her breasts were finally released from the tight confines of her bra. The second it was off, gravity did its work as they dropped by what Sammy guessed was four inches, quivering as they settled. Her nipples hardened in the cool air. ‘There, there are you happy now?’

The audience cheered and clapped again, with a few wolf whistles thrown in.

Suzanna held a hand up to them, pushing them up away from her stomach and hiding them at the same time.

‘Well that was quite the unveiling. In fact, I would rather like to see that again – in slow motion.’

*

Angela’s goody bag was between her feet. She was yet to look at it, because she was enjoying Suzanna’s suffering. On the video wall behind the stage, a slow-motion close-up reel played of Suzanna’s fat tits dropping as she took her bra off. The whole thing was so grotesque and obnoxious, but it didn’t stop Angela from laughing when she saw the look on Suzanna’a face when it was played back. It was only made worse by Sammy talking to her as it happened.

‘Did you see how they bounce? Weirdly satisfying. Shame we can’t put that up as a YouTube short.’

Suzanna seemed to get more self-conscious, wrapping her arms around herself.

‘Now come on, don’t disappoint our audience, give them a good flash.’

‘No. I don’t want to.’

‘Does this mean we’re going to have to tie you up for Tilly when it’s head shave time?’

‘Tie me up?’ Suzanna looked horrified. ‘No way!’

Suzanna looked out at the audience, most of whom were grinning back at her, some of the guys stroking their crotches, Angela noticed with some disgust.

Sammy made an apologetic shrug. ‘In that case, you better make sure I can trust you.’

With a reluctance she lowered her hands to the side, and her saggy tits popped down, shining slightly under the stage lights.

Angela was feeling a small pang of jealousy. She was in much better shape than her, but that jealousy dissolved when she remembered what was coming for Suzanna.

Sammy was strutting across the stage. ‘Now, Rico, is this waking up the rocket for you?’

Rico nodded approvingly. ‘You know, you don’t have a bad rack. Natural, I like that.’

Suzanna furiously ground her jaw, standing with her arms stiffly by her side, like a doll.

‘I think that’s a yes,’ Sammy said. ‘Ready to get to work?’

‘Let’s do it.’ Rico winked at the audience when he got a small cheer.

Suzanna was still for a moment. As the camera panned around her naked torso, Angela could see her eyes blinking back tears. She seemed to get a hold of herself.

‘Now, I remember that bald women aren’t your thing,’ Sammy said as Rico undid his flies. ‘So I think it’s only fair that you have a first crack at the lovely Suzanna while she still has a full head of hair.’

The huge dick that hung down from his trousers wasn’t anything like Angela had seen before – even though she had seen plenty of them in real life, she’d never seen them like this. Thick and veiny and worryingly – tanned -, it looked more like a sex toy than a real-life prick. And she could see how excited Rico was to use it. He looked rock hard. Typical man. One glance of tits and his was smuggling a canoe.

‘Suzanna,’ Sammy put an arm around her bare shoulder. ‘How do you feel about giving your new friend here a blow job?’

Suzanna didn’t look impressed by it. She eyed it nervously as it swung about, like she’d never seen one before. ‘Now…You want me to…Eww, put him in my mouth right away?’

‘This is a result of TicTock ruining our attention spans. Got to skip straight to the good bits for any gen-z people watching.’ Sammy said as Rico waggled his dick in front of Suzanna.

She looked at Sammy and he just grinned.

When she kneeled down, Rico moved closer to her and the head of his cock booped her nose, making her recoil.

‘Careful, mate. You’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing.’ Sammy took a few steps back to let the camera man get a better shot.

Angela could see Tilly smirking, holding her hand over mouth, looking half embarrassed, half amused.

She didn’t really have a desire to see anybody suck cock…But seeing that woman who had humiliated her by flirting with her husband, and made feel invisible in the office do it? That would be too good not to watch.

Suzanna looked at it with disgust. ‘Do I have to do it right away?’

‘Yep, get sucking.’

‘Fine.’ Suzanna pouted. She opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue, leaning forward so she could take the head of Rico’s thick shaft into her mouth.

‘You look good with your mouth full.’ Rico grinned at her.

She pulled off it with a pop. ‘Don’t joke at me or I won’t do it at all.’

‘Handbags at dawn!’ Sammy was starting to get animated, and Suzanna went back to work on Rico.

It took a bit of effort, but he made his dick disappear into her mouth, inch by inch until she couldn’t fit any more in, and there were a couple of inches left.

Her lips bulged around it, smearing her lipstick. Her mic was hooked around her ear still, playing back her ugly grunting and gagging sounds.

The whole scene was played back larger than life behind them, and Rico began to stroke her soon-to-be-shaved-off hair.

‘That’s it babe…now ya doing’ it. Keep going.’

‘While those two get acquainted, why don’t we get better acquainted with Tilly?’ Sammy left Suzanna to grunt and choke on dick to speak to Tilly.

Angela could see her smile shyly and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear as the camera focused on her.

‘Now Tilly, prior to presenting you worked in our office, isn’t that right?’

‘Sure I…I was on the marketing…marketing team,’ she seemed to be getting distracted by the slurping and “mmmnph” sounds coming from Suzanna and played through the studio speakers.

Sammy wasn’t having any such difficulties, smoothly carrying on with his spiel. Of the audience he asked: ‘Did any of you buy a Flo Doll?’

A few yeses came back.

‘Well, it was this young lady’s idea.’

Tilly did a small curtsy as she was applauded.

Suzanna was too busy slobbering on Rico to join in, she was going to town on his big cock.

She kept coming off to gasp for air, but Rico had balled up some of her hair in his hands and guided her back with it each time.

It was a mess, a sloppy, spit-covered mess, and Suzanna looked mortified that she was being watched as she choked on it. Her eyes were closed, and Angela wasn’t sure if she saw a tear or not. Then again, that thing was enough to make anybody’s eyes water.

Her arms were across her boobs, but Angela thought it was maybe a little too late for her to be trying to keep some dignity.

‘Now Tilly, I think it’s fair to say you’re creative in your personal life as well?’ Sammy continued.

‘I try. I’ve got a side hustle making emo-themed jewellery for Etsy.’

The camera focused back on Suzanna, and Sammy moved over to join her, crouching down by her side.

It was hard to hear what he said over the loud sucking noises that were being amplified and blasted around the auditorium. Angela had to admit she was enjoying the show, but when she saw that Rico was starting to thrust his dick in and out of Suzanna’s mouth, making her gag loudly, she looked away. That was too much to watch.

Suzanna didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. He was holding her hair tightly and pushing his fat prick between her lips. The camera zoomed in on her eyes as they started to well up with tears. Her mascara ran down her face as Rico continued to throatfuck her.

The noise from her mics was horrific. The sound of her wet gurgling and slobbering was loud enough for the audience to hear it, but not nearly as loud as when Suzanna suddenly choked and pulled away.

‘I’m impressed by your gag reflexes.’ Sammy slapped her bare back. ‘I thought you’d have been beaten long ago.’

‘You know what? I’m gonna call it. I can’t finish, still got work to do.’ Rico rubbed her arm. ‘That was good work.’

He didn’t seem at all bothered to leave Suzanna a drooling, mascara-streaked mess, looking up at him like a deer in headlights. She wiped the spit off her chin and gasped for air.

Sammy helped her up onto her feet, and she stood there, shivering a little. ‘Did you enjoy that?’

Angela felt a faint buzz. It was as if some kind of seal had been broken now that Suzanna had sucked cock in front of everybody.

‘Why are you even asking me that?’ She looked ready to slap him in the face again. ‘That was disgusting.’

Tilly stepped back with a worried expression, getting herself clear of any drama.

‘Don’t say that – you’ll hurt Rico’s feelings.’ Sammy rested his hand on Rico’s shoulders as Rico put his penis – now only half erect away.

‘Hey, I’m not for everybody.’ Rico shrugged.

Sammy jumped off the stage, and a cameraman followed him. ‘Now before we go any further, let’s catch up with Angela.’ In a few seconds he was in her face.

As Angela sat in the audience watching, she saw herself appear on the big screen on the video wall.

She saw herself shift a little in her seat as she flicked her hair again.

‘So you’re the reason Suzanna is here,’ Sammy pushed a microphone into her face. ‘Is that right?’

‘Yes.’

‘Care to tell us why?’ Sammy asked her with a big grin, ‘We’ve all been dying to know what happened. It was something to do with stealing, right? Is that it?’

The crowd was silent, waiting for her to answer.

‘Yeah. She had her fingers in the till,’ Angela noticed Suzanna grimace as she explained what happened. ‘And I could tell my employer and she’d lose her job…Maybe get locked up. Or I could make her do this.’

‘You mentioned something about her flirting with your husband?’

She tried to hide her discomfort, but she knew that the audience would see right through her. ‘Yeah, well, she was a bit too friendly with him. But he didn’t exactly stop her.’

‘Maybe engineer a meet up between the two after we’ve shaved her, see if he still likes her more than you.’

Angela felt a wicked smile spread across her face. ‘I’d love to see that.’

There was a small pause, but the audience burst into laughter, with a few cheers.

‘Now it would only be fair if I gave you a chance to let Suzanna back out. Angela: do you really want to see Suzanna lose her hair?’

Angela smiled up at her, and waved. For a second, there was a hopeful glint in her eye. ‘I do. It’s a fried mess anyway.’ She noticed Suzanna was clenching her fists now, stony faced.

‘Well then, I think we’ve got ourselves a shave! Angela, before we move on, would you mind looking inside our goody bag?’

She pulled it up onto her lap and sifted through junk like the Girls’ Embarrassment branded pens, note pad, desk calendar (which would be going straight in the bin) and merch catalogue.

‘There should be a hair brush in there?’ Sammy prompted.

‘Ah yes, right at the very bottom?’

‘May I?’ Sammy held out his hand.

Angela gave it to him, wondering what his use for it was. ‘Thank you,’ he moved away, talking bullshit into the mic all the way to the stage. ‘Now,’ he continued, sounding out of breath, ‘This show would not be complete without nudity. And as the more eagle-eyed among you may have noticed – Suzanna is only half naked. I think it’s time to change that, am I right?’

A huge roar of approval made Angela feel like her ears were caving in and Suzanna was mouthing something angrily. But there was no way to hear what she was saying.

Did Angela really want to see her co-worker and former frenemy naked?

Yes. Yes, she did.

She wanted to see her face redden, she wanted to see her naked skin prickle as her body temperature dropped. She wanted to see the humiliation and discomfort.

*

Suzanna knew there was no point stalling, so kicked off her heels. She had to go through the whole thing, and trying to avoid being embarrassed or exposed on this show was pointless. There was no way of escaping it.

‘C’on Suzie,’ Sammy teased. ‘Get the jeans off, they look too tight anyway.’

‘Don’t call me Suzie. Only friends can give me nicknames.’ She stood a good few inches shorter without her heels, and somehow she felt more vulnerable like that. Careful not to chip her light pink painted nails, she undid the button, unzipped the flies and started the horrible process of getting fully naked.

‘You’ve got nice legs.’ Rico nodded approvingly. ‘Kinda thicc, you’re actually pretty hot.’

‘Will you still find her hot after we shave her head?’ Sammy asked him, as she peeled them off her legs, tugging her ankles free.

Sammy was moving towards her, holding the brush.

‘Now, I think it’s time to start your humiliation.’ He rubbed the hairbrush against her arse, as if it were a magic lamp and he was going to summon a genie. She could feel it through the fabric of her knickers

‘You ready to get spanked?’

‘No! You never said anything doing – ’

Thwap!

She felt her backside wobbling, and turned around, holding her hand protectively across her arse. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

‘Getting you back for that slap earlier.’ Sammy dashed around to reach her arse again, but she moved out of the way, almost tripping on her jeans. He got one more wack in.

‘Get off me! Disgusting man!’

‘Easy now, I think that’s going to be the least embarrassing part of today.’ He threw the brush well out of the way to signal she was safe from getting paddled again. ‘Now get those knickers off. Don’t be shy.’

‘Have some manners.’ She stood on stage, in just a pair of blue knickers, dreading the moment they would come off.

‘Alright, then. Take those knickers off, please.’

She looked up at the big screen to see how she looked. Her face looked awful, all red and blotchy, her shame burning through the make up.

Suzanna tried to remember the last time she took her knickers off in front of somebody. She didn’t even peel them off in front of her husband these days. ‘You know…I really don’t wanna. Show my…thing.’

Sammy raised an eyebrow, and she knew that she wasn’t going to be let off the hook so easily. With a deep breath, she hooked her fingers in the elastic waistband and pulled them down to her ankles.

She closed her eyes for a second, hating how exposed she felt. The cold air hit her bare skin, and her cheeks flushed even redder.

Sammy was circling. ‘You know, I was expecting an out-of-control old school style bush, but yours is neat. Nice and trimmed. I’m pleasantly surprised.’

What the hell was she supposed to say to that? Thank him for the compliment? Slap him? She made a pale, weak smile on one side of her face. She didn’t want him appreciating it. Suzanna didn’t groom herself for the benefit of some TV sleazeball. But it was probably the closest thing she was going to get to a compliment today. She had just given a stranger oral sex on stage. Getting prudish about flashing her vagina was a bit pointless.

‘But I have to say, this,’ He stood behind her and tugged at her hair. ‘It’s a bit of mess. So dry, and it looks like you’re getting a bit thin in places.’ He ran his finger across her parting. ‘Lets be honest here, folks, we’re doing her a favour getting this thing off her.’

She swatted his hand away. ‘There’s nothing wrong with my hair.’

He was examining her head of hair up close. ‘At what point does a parting become a bald patch? Given I can count two moles on your scalp, I think you’re getting there.’

She looked up at the video wall to see her head being blown up and scrutinised by thousands of people.

‘You’re looking at my scalp? What kind of a crazy person does that anyway?’ She knew he was making her hair sound worse than it really was. She didn’t have anything even close to a bald patch, and he just wanted her to feel bad about herself. ‘I know what you’re doing. You’re want to make me feel ugly because you hate women, I’m thinking you have a problem with them.’

‘Oh please, would I go out of my way to make you feel bad? You’ve got a great arse, a nice pussy and an incredibly sexy accent. I love women.’

‘You love making fun of women.’ she corrected him.

Sammy held out his hands in a “you got me” gesture. ‘Well, we’re just burning air time. I think it’s time we move on to your appointment with Tilly – Tilly, how does it feel to be standing in Bea’s shoes?’

‘Well, it’s incredible. I mean, it’s insane really. I was working in the office, never ever thought I would be presenting.’

‘Think you’d like to carry on?’

Suzanna noticed how Sammy was completely ignoring her now, which in an odd way, felt worse than him eyeing her up.

Tilly considered it for a moment. ‘Let’s see how it goes. It could be a fucking disaster.’

Sammy put his arm around her and pulled her close in a crushing hug. ‘You need to relax! Anyway, I keep telling you, you can hardly screw up shaving a head.’ he let her go. ‘I tell you what, why don’t we do something to ease you in.’

Tilly looked around nervously, as if looking for a clue. ‘Oookkkkk…’

Next to the chair was a wheeled cabinet, and Sammy opened one of its draws. ‘Bless Bea, so orderly and tidy.’ he clicked the clippers on, and they fizzed into life, and he turned them straight off. ‘Glad she remembered to put them on charge, that would have been awkward.’

Suzanna felt sick. She couldn’t even imagine how she would look without her hair. Why would she want to? Sammy was talking to her.

‘Suzanna, why don’t you give our friend Tilly a helping and start it off for her?’ He offered her the clippers.

‘What do you mean?’ even she asked him that, she knew exactly what he meant.

‘They say the first cut is the deepest, so won’t don’t you save Tilly the pain and make the first yourself.’

Her eyes widened. ‘Save her the pain! What about my pain! I don’t want to be bald!’

‘Are you chickening out, Suzanna?’ He winked at her. ‘I didn’t think that was an option?’

‘No, I’m not…I…’ If she didn’t cooperate now, he would simply coerce her anyway. ‘Just give them to me.’

The audience liked that. She held them, and they were heavier than she was expecting.

With the cameras on her, everything felt heightened and slower than usual. Like she was fighting her way through water. She clicked them on and they felt alive – buzzing and vibrating. They silver teeth spun, ready to harvest her hair. For the first time, she felt tears bubble up. Her hair didn’t grow as fast as it used to, that was for sure. Would it ever look the same? She might be approaching 50, but she looked after herself, made an effort. She thought she looked good. But loosing her hair would add years to her.

Tilly was standing stiffly, hands tightly clasped at her chest, like she was waiting for a jump scare.

She felt Sammy’s hands on her bare shoulders, guiding her, and she kept looking at the clippers buzzing in her hand.

‘Now, turn and face the audience.’

Suzanna shuffled round to face them, then put her free hand over her bush when she was giving them a full-frontal view. When she looked up, the sea of faces was stirring, getting ready for what they came for.

She saw Angela, eyes fixed on her, grinning.

‘What I want you to do,’ Sammy was almost speaking gently. ‘Is the raise them to the middle of your head, and shave the length of your crown – straight down the middle, as we call it in the trade.’

‘The middle?’ she heard her own voice choke.

‘Yeah, don’t stray left or right. Put the clippers about -‘ he raised his arm above her head. ‘Here. And bring them down nice and straight.’

She stood, totally still and silent, only the sound of her laboured breathing. ‘So there’s no going back…’

‘That’s the idea!’ He was annoyingly cheerful sounding. She wanted to slap him again.

Robotically, slowly, Suzanna raised them to her forehead. ‘How short are they cutting? They’re going straight to bald?’

‘Almost. Tilly will be using a razor on you anyway.’

‘Oh God.’ Her hand begun to shake.

“Just do it” somebody shouted.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and pressed the blades towards her parting, millimetres at a time. The blades made a brief rasping sound, and a single hair tickled her face as it fell. Then, slowly, she started shaving the first strip. Suzanna began to feel fuzzy. It was happening. She was shaving off her own hair. It was a horrible sensation, and felt like dragging a comb through a knot, expect she felt the air on her scalp as the clippers took it. Whisps of her hair fell down her back. She found the strength to keep her hand steady, and brought the humming clippers all the way from the front to the back of her crown.

She opened her eyes, and her vision was blurry with tears. She sniffed, and tried to blink them away. The audience were clapping and cheering. Suzanna was feeling sick. She’d never felt so embarrassed in her life. Looking down, she saw a few sad ginger strands on the floor.

‘That’s the hard part done!’ Sammy was smiling, looking genuinely proud of her. ‘Now, why don’t you sit down and Tilly will finish you off.’

Sammy took the clippers, and she walked to the chair when Tilly waved her over, keeping her hands over her bits. She half collapsed onto the chair.

‘Oh my god!’ Tilly gasped, like she was the one who had just had a strip shaved into her hair. ‘This is unreal…I could never…I just…wow, I don’t know how you did that.’

Suzanna crossed her legs, doing her best to reclaim some ladylike grace. One arm was folded across her boobs.

‘Go, touch it.’ Sammy prompted.

Suzanna felt Tilly’s finger against her stubble. ‘That feels so weird. But kinda nice.’

Suzanna felt a tear run down her cheek. Her whole head was going to feel like that.

‘You’re going to look amazing, don’t worry. ‘ Tilly actually sounded sincere, or at least like she was trying to. She really was a sweet kid.

Sammy got down on one knee, like a knight, offering the clippers to her. ‘Destiny calls, young Tilly.’

She took the clippers from him, and they buzzed to life again.

‘Wait,’ Suzanna wanted the end result to be less of a shock. She turned her head to get a look on the video wall. The strip shaved down the middle of her head was a stark line of pale skin. So her whole head was going to be that pale? She was going to be a laughing stock. Children would point at her. ‘That’s crazy. I can’t believe I just did that.’

She was almost hypnotised by her reflection.

‘And you’ve still got a long way to go, too.’ Sammy added.

She closed her eyes, and it was a few seconds before she could open them again.

‘Ready?’ Tilly was smoothing down what was left of Suzanna’s hair.

‘No…I’m not.’

‘We can wait here all day.’ Sammy was leaning against the desk, arms folded, grinning at her.

‘Shall I just do it?’ Tilly leaned in closer to it. ‘Like, just get it over with?’

Suzanna let out a sad howl, rubbing tears from her eyes. ‘What the hell will I look like?’

‘One way to find out.’ Sammy said.

‘Shall I just…’ Tilly positioned her clippers to the left of the white path on her head.

Suzanna felt shame like never before. A grown woman crying like a little girl because she was loosing her hair. But it was a part of her. To Suzanna, this was no different to having an arm cut off.

‘Just do it, Tilly.’ Sammy said, actually sounding serious.

The same pulling sensation came to the right of the shaved patch. Tilly worked quicker than Suzanna had done, and she felt big clumps tumble down shoulders and back. A bit more clumsily, Tilly moved to the right again, getting closer to the side of Suzanna’s head. That time, a huge clump came off in one.

It fell down her arm, onto the floor. Something in Suzanna and broke, and she sobbed uncontrollably. How was she meant to look, or even feel like a woman without her hair? Her frizzy hair had been with her whole life.

Tilly was quick, and the next patch, a big chunk on the left-hand side came off. Then another, then another, Suzanna’s head getting lighter the whole time. The crowd cheered her on, and Suzanna found herself crying like a baby. That was probably the most shameful part: the fact that she had let them break her this quickly and easily.

Tilly’s strokes were getting more confident, and she was starting to speed up. ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s crazy.’ she laughed. ‘It is fun, you’re right. In a seriously weird way.’

‘Just enjoy it. Don’t think, just do.’ Sammy was standing by to support her, as Suzanna was expected to sit still and get shaved like a sheep.

‘Don’t think? This is like, the thinkingest thing ever!’

Tilly had gotten quicker, and was working on the sides. The buzzing was unbearably loud in her ears now, as the hair covering them started to get thinner. She took the clippers to the left of her head, making the buzzing become gratingly loud.

Feeling that ear exposed, Suzanna knew this was the point that she would start to look completely different. Gently, Tilly pushed her head to one side, working on the hair behind her ear, leading to the back of her head.

She made upwards strokes, holding up the frizzy hair as she went.

‘Ooh that’s a surprise?’ Tilly turned the clippers off.

‘What now?’ Sammy leaned in.

Suzanna felt Tilly’s fingers on the hard patch of her head, right behind her ear. ‘A tattoo.’

‘It was my design.’ Suzanna, held back sobs. ‘A 45th birthday present to myself because I always wanted a tattoo.’

‘Something ticked off the bucket list?’ Sammy wasn’t able to help himself – he reached out and stroked the rough stubble on her head.

Suzanna said miserably: ‘Yes.’

‘And now you can cross off having your head shaved!’

‘That was never on the list. You know it was never.’ She snapped.’

‘Can I crack on with it?’ Suzanna heard Tilly say.

‘Crack on.’ Said Sammy.

The clippers fizzed into life again, and Tilly worked on the other side of her head. It was obvious she was getting more and more comfortable with the clippers, as it took her just a few seconds to do the same to that side.

‘Tilly is taking a fairly unusual path to shave Suzanna,’ Sammy offered his breezy commentary, ‘Having down the top and sides and so far sparing the back. Any reason for this, Tilly?’

Suzanna let morbid fascination get the better of her. She looked behind her, and shrieked when she saw her reflection. Forgetting her modesty, her boobs on show again, she slapped her hand over her mouth.

The stubble was dark grey, the pale skin under it very clearly visible. Her ears looked higher than she was expecting, giving the illusion of her face being longer than it was. It added 20 years to her age and made her look ill, even with make up.

Tilting her head from side to side, she saw the hair on the back of her head was 100% in tact. That her feel sad.

‘What do you think?’ Sammy asked, as if expecting a reaction other than horror.

Suzanna felt him stroke her head, and she hated the rough feeling. ‘It’s not a good look on me. Not at all.’

‘Think you could grow to love the look?’

‘No! And you know that’s the answer!’

He reached over and lifted the remains of her hair up, fanning it out. ‘What if we left you with this? Would that soften the blow.’

She didn’t answer. It would look even worse and he knew it.

‘No, it wouldn’t would it? You look a bit like Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.’

‘I love that film.’ Tilly added.

Suzanna sniffed. He knew exactly what he was doing. Breaking her apart bit-by-bit. But how could he know what she was going through? He was a man. ‘Just do all of it. I know you’re going to anyway.’

‘What, you don’t like Riff Raff?’ Tilly said, a hint of teasing in her voice.

‘No, I don’t. You know I don’t want to look like that. You’re just being stupid.’

Sammy had the twinkle in his eye which Suzanna knew meant he was thinking up something horrible to say.  ‘Well, I guess you’ll have to look Uncle Fester instead.’

Tilly held up the clippers, and Suzanna felt the cold blades on the back of her neck, working from left to right.

‘And remember,’ Sammy coached her. ‘Pick up hair, scatter over tits.’

‘I won’t do that, it’s mean.’

She could feel some of the hair sliding down her back again, and some of it settling on her shoulders. It felt scrunchy and dry when it was off her head.

‘Fine, I’ll do it.’ Sammy reached over, and Suzanna flinched when his hands touched her bare shoulders. He picked up a strand of her hair, and dropped it down her front.

She looked down when she felt a tickling sensation on one of her nipples. Much to the audience’s hilarity, a lock was hanging off the right one. Suzanna picked it off.

‘That’s a new look.’ Sammy joked.

The back of her head was lighter now, and it felt like most of it was gone. Two more strokes and it was. Sammy roughly rubbed her head, pushing it around from side to side.

Suzanna looked at the camera, and tried her best smile. She knew the after image would be plastered allover the website, and she didn’t want to give the fans the satisfaction of seeing her look so upset.

Tilly got her to stand, and Suzanna tried to cover her bits, as she bushed any remaining hair from her shoulders and back. It ringed the chair in a carpet.

She had to stay standing, now minus her clothes and hair as Tilly brushed the chair down.

‘Now, then, Rico,’ Sammy was wondering away from her. ‘Now she’s missing her hair, is she still doing it for you?’

‘No, sorry.’ the American pornstar was shrugging.

‘Well that’s rather shallow.’ Sammy said reproachfully. ‘You’re saying that now the lovely Suzanna has lost her hair, she’s lost her beauty, too?’

‘That’s exactly what I’m saying. I know it’s harsh, but…It’s true.’

Hearing them talk, Suzanna felt the last piece of self-confidence she had, crumble. The hair was a huge part of her identity. And the fact that this guy was saying it was so important that her looks had completely vanished without it, was just awful.

‘You’re still going to do her, though?’

Rico turned to the stage, and shouted out. ‘You’re damn right I’m gonna!’

A massive cheer went up, and Suzanna began to feel wobbly. The whole world was going to watch her literally get fucked.

‘But I think she has just a little bit too much hair, what do you all think, boys and girls?’

What did he mean…He didn’t want to shave her…Thing?

‘Bic her!’ a few people shouted back. ‘Completely bald!’ somebody yelled, and a few calls of ‘Shave her pussy!’.

‘What do you think, Rico?’ Sammy sidled up to the big American. ‘Can you cope with a bit of fluff down there?’

‘You know, man, I’m cool with it. I like a bush. It’s retro.’

Suzanna began to feel like she was going to physically puke.

‘No, I get that,’ Sammy said. ‘Re-live the glory days of porn. But it wouldn’t be Girls’ Embarrassment if she didn’t have a completely bald head.’

A cheer shook the stage, which broke out into an applause. Why were people getting that excited about seeing her bald? Suzanna didn’t understand some people.

‘Now, with it being the first outing for Bea’s replacement, I really don’t think it’s fair to expect Tilly to do a wet shave, is it?’

A few disappointed “ooh”s.

‘I know, I know,’ Sammy held his hands out in a placating gesture. ‘But as we all know there’s a lot that can go wrong during a wet shave, it’s just not fair on Tilly.’

‘And it’s not fair on me!’ Suzanna resented being left out of the conversation. It was her who was going to be shaved with a razor, not Tilly. There was no way she wanted somebody who didn’t know they were doing dragging a razor across her head.

‘I quite agree.’ Sammy spoke calmly.

‘Honestly, it’s fine.’ Tilly shrugged. ‘I’ll do it. Yolo.’ she stuck her tongue out in a silly gesture.

Sammy was standing by the trolly where the hair cutting tools lived. ‘It’s fine, we’ve thought of everything.’ He brought out a rotary shaver, the kind men use to shave their faces. ‘Tilly can shave you in safe mode.’

*

Watching from her flat, Bea couldn’t believe what she just heard. Her replacement? In that moment, she saw Sammy for what he really was. All that crap about the show not being the same without her, and how long they’d worked together. All he wanted was for his programme to carry on, so he kept on getting his salary and stayed relevant.

She watched Tilly rub but the shaver over that woman’s head, laughing, grinning and joking, like she’d been doing it for years.

Suzanna had her eyes closed and was gritting her teeth, while Sammy, the fucking dick, carried on making the same wisecracks and lame jokes he always did.

And nobody gave a shit about her.

Oh no, it was always Sammy who carried the show, always Sammy that people spoke about. They only spoke about her if she fucked up somehow – that was the only way she ever seemed to be in the spotlight. Even though she was the one that did the actual shaving and gave the sickos what they wanted.

What did she expect? Of course, she would be the one to get dragged out of her car and get her head shaved. It seemed to be her job to scoop up all the shit which really, should have been headed for Sammy.

Why did she not see it that way in the past?

As her TV showed a close up view the shaver heads being rubbed over Suzanna’s head, Bea picked her laptop off from the table and opened up X.

Wouldn’t it be a shame if she logged on with her alt account, and somehow gave those anti Girls’ Embarrassment protest groups Sammy’s home address?

*

Sammy watched Tilly brush Suzanna down for the last time. The rotary shaver had left her head pale and blotchy, but completely hairless.

‘That’s decently bald, but…I don’t know, it’s not as satisfying as a wet shave somehow.’

‘I know right,’ Tilly pushed one of Suzanna’s ears forwards as she picked out some remaining little bits of hair. ‘I think it’s because you don’t get a shine.’

Suzanna glared at Tilly. She looked unrecognisable, and even her best friends would probably agree that she looked absolutely awful now.

‘Now we are of course coming to our climax of the show, and indeed the series…’ he dropped his voice conspiratorially. ‘We know what that means.’

The audience was already whooping and hollering, and Suzanna felt her knees go weak. She was about to get fucked on stage by a complete stranger, and everyone was watching.

The porn star stood up, and the crowd’s volume grew. Suzanna watched him undo his belt, and slide his jeans and underwear down his legs.

‘Now, the big question is, who’s the more nervous one?’

Sammy asked, pointing between Rico and Suzanna.

Rico laughed. ‘You for real? I do this shit all the time. A walk in the park.’

‘A walk in the park…’ Sammy repeated, ‘Well I can say with complete certainty it will not be a walk in the park for the – formally – lovely Suzanna.’

She was sitting in the chair, hunched over, looking like some kind of strange naked gargoyle. ‘But of course, you don’t have to go through with it. You can leave right now, Suzanna. Which option would you like to take?’

Going pale, she looked across at Rico, who was nursing a raging erection.

‘Your choice.’ Sammy said quietly. ‘Have sex with Rico…Or go to jail.’

Under her breath, she muttered something, which Sammy assumed was her swearing in Portuguese. ‘OK.’ Suzanna got up, letting it all hang out again, then stood unsteadily on her feet. ‘I’ll do it.’ She croaked.

‘Add a girl, Suzie!’ Sammy shouted over the applause, he slapped his hand across her shoulder and felt how tense she was. ‘Rico, how we doing this?’

The porn star stood back, narrowing his eyes slightly, like a climber accessing a difficult rock face. ‘You want this to look good on camera, right? Suzanna, I’ll need you to get on your knees, and I’ll do you from behind.’

Now she went even more pale. Previously olive skinned, she turned the colour of wall paper paste. ‘From behind? No! No, no, no!’

‘Relax, would you.’ Rico smile disarmingly. ‘I mean your pussy.’

‘Oh, I thought you meant,’ she swallowed, ‘Never mind.’

Sammy took the opportunity to sidle up to Tilly, chatting into the mic as he went. ‘How you finding it?’

Her face was frozen in a weird mix of horror and fascination. ‘I’m really about to watch this aren’t I?’

‘Would appear that way.’

‘…Fuck.’

‘That’s what’s about to happen to Suzanna.’ He laughed, throwing his head back.

‘Wow, you’re hilarious.’

‘Am I?’ he asked, still smiling.

‘No, you’re actually a cunt.’

He put his hand over his chest. ‘A pretty face, but a mouth like a sewer. Anyway, it takes one to know one.’

Tilly gawped, making a shocked face for the cameras, to a small chuckle from the crowd.

As Sammy and Tilly watched on, Suzanna got to her knees, which cracked as she knelt down.

‘Not dignified at all.’ He stood with his hands behind his back, giving Suzanna a rueful look. ‘Still, it’s not like its being broadcast to millions of people around the world…Oh wait.’

Suzanna chose to ignore him, getting down on her hands and knees. Her silver necklace caught the light, dangling between her tits which hung like over ripe fruit. It was Tilly who objected:

‘Sammy, that’s horrible.’

‘Have I ever claimed to be nice?’

She paused to consider this. ‘Actually…Fair one.’

Rico was easing his cock against her pussy lips, stroking her thighs, and looked as if she was waiting for a bomb to go off. ‘You ready babe?’

‘Yes.’ She kept her eyes closed.

‘Get on with it!’ Sammy shouted. ‘You don’t want to get interrupted by an ad break!’

‘Will you shut up, man?’ Rico called over his shoulder.

At the first thrust, Suzanna made a whimpering sound. Rico was gentle at first, but quickly built up speed until he fucked her at a relentless, animalistic pace.

She tilted her bald head down, as her face flushed.

‘For a guy who said bald women didn’t do anything for him, Rico certainly seems to be getting into the groove,’ Sammy took up commentary. ‘How does it feel it Suzanna?’

Now, Suzanna was non-verbal, only gasping and panting. Her boobs were flopping about in every direction and slapping into each other as Rico grew more and more intense. He reached down and took hold of Suzanna’s love handles, and looked more like he was riding a horse.

‘I suppose there’s no hair to grab hold of.’ Sammy walked closer to the scene, grinning to himself as Suzanna’s face contorted into all kinds of strange expressions.

Tilly, meanwhile, took a step backwards. It was obvious she didn’t know what to do.

‘How long do you think you can last, Rico, buddy?’ Sammy sounded like he was asking how long it would be until dinner was ready.

‘Me?’ He grunted, sweat glistening on his forehead. ‘I can go all night, pal.’

In response Suzanna made a strange wailing sound, her voice distorted as her entire body was shaking.

‘That’s an admirable quality…’ briefly, Sammy was silenced by an especially savage thrust from Rico. ‘But we do have to wrap up soon, and I think Suzanna may have had enough.’

She was shining with sweat too, allover, and was starting to buck around under Rico. Sticking her head up towards the ceiling, she tried saying something which Sammy guessed was “stoooooooooppppp”.

Ever the professional, Rico began to relax his pace. A few moments later he slid his cock out of her – still stiff and huge.

He made a “phew” sound, like a boxer reaching the end of his round.

‘What a performance – what a show! Ladies and gentleman, give it up for Rico Shaft!’ he shouted.

The loudest applause yet went through the room.

*

Suzanna stayed in place, her knees shaking. The woman she had been when she walked into the Television Centre didn’t exist anymore.

She caught sight of Angela, who had her arms folded and had the smuggest smile she had ever seen on her face.

‘Now Rico,’ she could see Sammy was waking around, as his Cubans clicked and banged around on the stage floor in front of her. ‘I’m sure you’ve built up quite the head of steam after that?’

‘You damn right I have. But my orgasm control is amazing, probably the best in the industry.’

‘Well, that’s very impressive – but what’s porn without a money shot?’

*

For Angela, it was satisfying in a way she couldn’t quite put into words. Rico stood in front of Suzanna, who was still on all fours, wanking in front of her.

As he beat himself off, Suzanna braced herself, head down. Then it happened. Rico shot a load onto Suzanna’s bald, still blotchy and sore looking head. The semen kept on splatting onto her scalp, until a creamy yellow substance trickled down her crown in blobs.

‘Now that’s some serious abstinence!’ Sammy was sounding impressed.

Meanwhile, Suzanna got up so she was kneeling. A couple of stray blobs of cum had made it as far as her nose.

‘I hope you had as much fun as I did.’ Rico winked as he started to get dressed again.

It wasn’t possible to hear what Suzanna had said. She’d taken her mic off and tossed it on the floor. Her job was done.

Tilly came over to her with a pack of wet wipes. She appeared to contemplate cleaning her up herself, but looked grossed out when she inspected the mess on Suzanna’s head.

Instead she took a handful from Tilly as she stood up.

‘I’ll tell you something,’ Packham said, ‘It feels good to end the show – and indeed the series, on a bang. Quite literally, a bang.’ As Suzanna was wiping her head down, Sammy pushed the mic into her face. ‘Suzie, I’ll let you have the last word.’

‘This is the most disgusting thing I have ever had to do…’ she was looking around for the exit. ‘I want a shower now.’

‘Hey,’ Rico was doing his belt up. ‘Don’t trust this crazy motherfucker. Sammy’s probably got a hidden camera in it.’

‘I resemble that remark.’ Sammy retorted as the theme started to play them out, and Suzanna dabbed her head. ‘Anyway, if you’re worried about scores of people seeing you naked, I think that ship has sailed…Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, see you next week!’

*

Sammy poured himself a post-show mug of tea, as Suzanna’s hysterical crying came through the wall of the ladies. Meanwhile, his phone was pinging with social media notifications like mad. ‘Well, I think that went pretty well. You did a good job, Tillster.’

Tilly was making a face like a mother who’s child was having an embarrassing meltdown in a supermarket. ‘Really? That’s your idea of going well?’ she cast her eyes towards the source of the sound.

‘Sure.’ Sammy added a spoonful of sugar. ‘Nice way to end the series.’

An especially loud sob came through the walls, and Tilly’s awkward expression seemed to deepen. ‘I feel bad.’

‘Go to confession then. Works for me.’

‘Yeah, but have you seen social media? Twitter? People are pissed.’

He paused to take gulp of tea. ‘That’s how you tell it was a good show.’

‘Unfortunately, he’s right.’ The looming, fun draining presence of Mo darkened the room.

‘Well, if it isn’t Mr Happy!’ Sammy raised his mug to toast his producer. ‘Girls’ Embarrassment saved at the 11th hour, by my quick thinking, and Tilly’s head shaving skills on and screen charisma. You’re welcome. Tea?’

‘No.’ Mo gave Sammy the eye as he sat down. ‘Thank you.’ He was looking drawn, red eyed, and in a creased shirt. ‘I’m pleased we’ve reached the end of this series, honestly. It’s been brutal. So Tilly,’ he stifled a yawn. ‘Did you enjoy it? Do you think this is something you would want to do more of?’

‘Uh-I, I…’

Sammy spoke on her behalf. ‘The answer is yes.’

‘Well…Yeah, I guess I did. In a really weird, really fucked up way, sure. I enjoyed it.’

‘That’s good,’ Mo folded his arms behind his head, getting comfy. ‘Tilly, you’ve taken me by surprise. I thought that -‘ He stopped as another howl came from Suzanna:

“I look like a freak! What have you done to me?”

Mo flicked his eyes in the direction of the howl, then carried on as if he didn’t hear it. ‘As I was saying. I thought that you were quite natural on camera, especially considering this is your first time out there.’

She clasped her hands together in a bashful pose which reminded Sammy of Winnie the Pooh. ‘Thank you! Honestly, I thought I would just fuck it up.’

‘What did I say!’ Sammy raised his voice. ‘What did I say, you can’t fuck up a head shave.’

Mo held out his hand as a signal for Sammy to shut up. ‘How would you feel if I suggested to management that we offer you a permeant contract?’

Tilly looked stunned. She waited a long time before responding. ‘Woah.’ she said, wide eyed. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Is that a face which looks like it’s joking?’ Sammy slurped at his tea.

‘I mean…’ Tilly sat down opposite Mo. ‘I don’t really want to shave heads that badly…But the money will be insane.’

Sammy felt himself smile. His show was saved. ‘I think that’s a yes.’

‘Is it?’ Mo asked. ‘Tilly, I want you to answer.’

She nodded earnestly. ‘Yes. It’s a yes.’

‘Ok. I’ll bring it up at my next production meeting.’ He turned his attention to Sammy. ‘And as you for you. For the love of god, stay off the internet for a while.’

‘I’ll do my best.’

‘You better…’

The tension was broken by Rico swaggering into the room. Tilly, so wired from her offer from Mo, jumped up and hugged him.

‘Careful, you don’t know where he’s been.’ Sammy waited for a response which didn’t come. ‘Well, you do know where he’s been, and that’s the point.’ he mumbled when nobody replied to him. For a moment he wasn’t the biggest personality in the room.

‘Woah, easy tiger. What’s got into you?’

Tilly let go, and hopped back, seeming to regress to a 10-year-old. ‘Rico, I’m getting the job!’

‘What? What job? Somebody wanna help me out here?’

‘Tilly, don’t get too wired, OK. I don’t want to blow smoke up your arse.’ Mo stood up. ‘But I’m going to ask casting if they’ll consider you for Bea’s job.’

‘Awesome news. Welcome to showbiz.’ He said it without any sarcasm, and for a fleeting second Sammy wondered if he saw the real Rico underneath a persona.

Mo, looking more withered by the second, stood up. ‘OK, I’m going home now. God knows, I need to. And Rico – thank you.’

‘Don’t mention it, man.’

‘Feel like doing more with us next series?’ Mo stopped on his way to the door.

‘Sure. All the time you’re paying me.’

He nodded, then fixed his gaze on Sammy again. ‘Sammy. Behave. I mean it.’

‘Look at me, Mo. Butter wouldn’t melt.’

Once Mo has gone, Rico made his way to the door. ‘I’ve got a car waiting for me outside. I’m gonna shoot.’

‘You don’t want to go for drinks or something?’ Tilly sounded disappointed. ‘Then we could have actual pornstar Martinis!’

Sammy clenched. He wanted time alone with Tilly.

‘No, I’ve got to hit the hay. Jetlag man, it’s a killer.’

‘We understand.’ Sammy smiled, feeling like doing a jig but not showing it. ‘Go get yourself home.’

Rico fist bumped both of them, and then he was gone.

Silence hung in the air, like it does just before the buzz of a fun evening goes. Suzanna’s sobs were getting quieter.

Upending his mug, and draining it, Sammy broke the silence. ‘So. Do you want to just get off home, or do you want to crash at mine?’ He made it as casual as he could. No different to speaking to one of his guy friends – not that he had any friends.

‘You know what, that sounds fun.’ Tilly jumped up and down on the spot. ‘You can give me your tips and tricks, indoctrinate me into a brave new world.’ She held her hand out, like an actress delivering a key line in a Shakesperian play.

‘How about we enter the brave new world of my car, and get out of here?’

In the lift down to the parking level Tilly was babbling non-stop.

‘So that shitty studio apartment? I can finally move out. And my Mum. She’s going to hate me hosting Girls’ Embarrassment, but I can take her on holiday!’ she jumped up and tugged at Sammy’s velvet lapels. ‘How cool is that?’

‘Cooler than a penguin in a fridge, drinking ice tea. Now come on, it’s time to get out.’

Tilly skipped out of the lift doors, through the concrete underworld of the car park towards Sammy’s car. ‘I can’t believe it! This is unreal!’ she shouted, a cries echoing around the concrete.

Sammy climbed into his car, grinning. He had Tilly right where he wanted her.

‘This is a cool old car.’ Tilly looked around it as they drove past the gate, out into the evening. ‘Maybe I could get something like this?’

‘You could get almost anything you want.’

‘You know what I’m gonna do?’

‘What’s that?’ Sammy stopped for the lights, waiting to pull onto the main road that ran past the television centre. He kept an eye out for protesters, but there were none in sight.

‘I’m gonna buy…I dunno, like a Ferrari? Then drive it past the houses of all the teachers from secondary school I hated and wave at them. I don’t even have a driver’s licence, but whatever.’

The lights changed, and Sammy pulled away. He could now see a small group were gathered outside the steps of the television centre, waving anti-him placards.

They didn’t even notice the old Mercedes pull away. He watched them harmlessly recede in the rear view mirror.

‘You know what, I feel the need to celebrate.’

‘Yeah!’ Tilly fist pumped the air, briefly hitting the canvas roof. ‘Lets do it.’

‘Do you eat Italian?’

‘Doesn’t everyone eat Italian? Isn’t that like asking if I breathe air?’

Sammy took hold of an old style car phone. ‘I know a good place. Looks like a dump but they all know me there and the food is OK.’ Keeping one eye on the road he keyed in the number, and held the phone to his ear.

‘Isn’t that illegal?’ Tilly narrowed her eyes.

‘Use of the phone while driving – very. But you can do anything when you’re a star – hey, Marco, it’s Sammy!…No, not my normal table for one – I’ll be bringing a plus one…9pm is good…Chao!’ He slammed the phone down, then jerked the car back onto his side of the road, ignoring the horn from a bus.

     Brushing off the near-death experience with the bus, Tilly flicked her hair back. ‘Plus one? What do you think you are? Some kind of virgin James Bond or something?’

     That made Sammy belly laugh. ‘If the hat fits, wear it.’ He looked around. All he saw was London on a normal evening. ‘You know what, screw it.’ Sammy pulled up to the side of the road. ‘There’s no angry mob. The pink hair brigade have got bored of us, already. It’s a beautiful evening. Let’s have the roof down.’ He lowered it, letting in a little more of the evening light.

‘You not going to make a joke about going topless or something, huh?’

‘What do you take me for? Some kind of cheesy, cheap gameshow host?’

Tilly grinned as Sammy pulled away. ‘I’m not evening answering that. Hey – does the radio still work?’ Tilly pressed a button and it come on, playing one of Sammy’s old 80s R&B cassettes. ‘It does!’ she squealed. ‘Oh my god, that’s so cool! You don’t just look retro, you live it, it’s like a life style.’

‘Is that good?’

She shrugged. ‘Ehh, I guess.’

Traffic slowed as they approached a big junction, and for a little bit they let the old Glenn Jones album play as Sammy creeped the car forwards on the brake.

Tilly drew in breath, in the way people do when the next thing they’re going to say is making them nervous. ‘Can I ask you a question?’

Sammy glanced across at her. He considered making some pithy comment but decided to play it straight. ‘Sure.’

‘Iiiisss thisss…’ Tilly screwed up her eyes, and made a face like she was pulling the cork from a bottle of bubbly somebody had shaken up. ‘A date?’

Something bloomed inside of Sammy. He hadn’t had this kind of connection in years. Not bothering to hide his smile, he glanced over at her. ‘Do you want it to be?’

 A pause. ‘Yeah…Yeah, fuck it. I do.’

He punched the steering wheel in delight. ‘Brilliant! Who knew you liked older, fat, hairy guys? Is that why you have a picture of Hagrid on your desk?’

Throwing back her head, Tilly laughed, and for a moment Sammy could see her tongue piercing. ‘Oh my god, yes! I love Hagrid! Is that weird?’

‘Hey, am I really the right person to judge what weird is?’

Twenty minuets later, the sun had set and Sammy parked round the back of the restaurant. ‘I’m the only they let park here.’ He said proudly.

‘Great,’ Tilly got out and slammed the door behind her. ‘Next to the skip. Shit’s got classy.’

Sammy lead her round to the front. ‘It looks like a dump, I know. But don’t worry, the food is absolutely, incredibly, average.’

‘You really know how to give a girl a good time, Sammy.’ Tilly glanced at the framed menu on the wall outside, while Sammy opened the door and stood aside for her.

A young waiter lead them to a in the corner, far away from the window. Sammy always insisted on it – less chance of getting papped as he tucked into his pizza.

‘Can I get you any drinks?’ he asked with the slightest hint of an Italian accent, eyes trained on Tilly.

She ordered a vodka and coke, and Sammy went with his normal Sanpelligrino. While they were waiting for their drinks, Tilly excused herself and went to the ladies.

Sammy looked around. The restaurant was starting to empty out now, and he felt himself relax even more. All the hot air in the media was just that – hot air, and nothing more. Girls’ Embarrassment would survive, and more importantly, he had. Bea hit taken the bullet. Tough luck. And now, with Tilly he could – Sammy was jolted out of his reverie by his phone. Talk of the devil.

‘Bea the beast.’ He said, kicking back in his chair. ‘How are things? Feeling any better?’

‘Don’t give me that bullshit, Sammy.’ Her voice cut through the relaxing atmosphere like a cold knife through a hot dessert. ‘Replacement? You actually said replacement.’

 ‘Woah, woah, Bea calm down. We’re friends, OK, and I just –’

 ‘Leave it out. I thought everything you said when you came round the other day was bollocks, and I was right. How could you just replace me like that? After you said it wasn’t going to be the same?’

 ‘W-w-well, it won’t, I mean how can it, Bea, I-I,’ he stumbled over his words, not expecting that much blowback.

‘All you care about, Sammy, is you. Your gay little show, your gay little fanbase, and how fucking popular and loved you are by all your weird little incel fanboys.’

Sammy picked up a complementary breadstick, and bit the end off. ‘Bea, now steady on, that’s uncalled for.’

‘Just drop the act, OK? You’re a narcissist, to be honest mate, I feel sorry for ya.’

 ‘Narcissist is a strong word, Bea.’

‘Well, it’s fucking true. And you know what, it’s actually Tilly I feel sorry for, because you will treat her exactly how you treated me.’

Sammy put his breadstick down. ‘No, Bea, I won’t accept that, I didn’t treat you any way.’ He noticed some of the remaining diners looked his way, and he lowered his voice. ‘What happened was unfortunate, but did I do it to you? Bea? Bea? Hello?’ She’d disconnected the call.

*

After a dinner of pizza, pasta and Tiramisu Sammy drove home with roof up. Something about Bea’s tone had left him feeling anxious and hollow. It was a weird feeling. Maybe that feeling was guilt, something other people tended to get?

Tilly meanwhile was still talkative, babbling and gushing about how she couldn’t believe how much her life was going to change. ‘It’s just unreal, isn’t it? Going back to a famous TV presenter’s house! If I wasn’t just on TV, my mates would never believe it, would they?’

‘Probably not.’ Sammy grunted. Night had fallen, and Paddington had become a blaze of bright lights and headlamps. But distracting him was a van which had been tailing him for four turns now. As he slowed for a red light, he winced as the headlights of the following vehicle flared in his mirrors.

His hands tightened on the wheel. It was probably nothing, but after what happened to Bea, it was putting him on edge. Tilly’s babbling was just white noise as he turned right when the traffic started to move, down Eastbourne Terrace, past the new plate glass windowed buildings. The van followed. Sammy accelerated through an amber light, speeding through the junction to join Spring Street.

The van jumped a red light to keep up with him, speeding past the eateries and bijou shops which were shuttered for the night. Tilly seemed to sense something was up, as her babbling dried up.

 Trying to put more distance between him and the van, Sammy sped down the street, overtaking a black cab, getting uncomfortably close to parked cars.

 ‘Sammy…’ Tilly adjusted herself in the seat. ‘What’s going on?’

     ‘We’re being followed.’ He leaned on the brakes on the approach to the next junction, twirling the steering wheel as he made a left turn onto the leafy Sussex Gardens, throwing Tilly around her seat.

‘Don’t fuck with me like that, it isn’t funny!’

‘I’m not! Look behind you.’

Lumbering behind them, leaning wildly, was the van.

Tilly was wide eyed. ‘Shit. What do they want?’

‘I think it might be the same people who went after Bea.’ Sammy swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.

‘Oh my god.’ She put her hands over the top of her head. ‘They’re going to shave our heads. Fuck. Shit. I’ve made a mistake.’

Sammy sped past the town houses, making the most of the empty roads. ‘I’m going to try and lose them, call the police.’ His normal jocular persona was gone. He was too scared.

Tilly shuffled around her seat, patting the pockets of her jeans. ‘I don’t have my phone.’

‘What?’ Sammy shouted. ‘Who the hell doesn’t have their phone on them these days!’

‘I left it in the loos at the restaurant.’

‘Why the hell did you get your phone out in the loos!’ He felt his voice raise an octave.

‘I wanted to phone my best friend! It was a moment!’

‘Oh, Lord.’ He brushed some hair out of his own face, scrunching it up in his hands, trying to think. Sammy’s own phone was in the boot. He’d put it in his jacket, which he’d locked away.

Tilly screamed, and he looked up in time to see he was on the pavement, heading towards a tree. Jerking the steering just in time, the car wallowed and weaved around the road as he wrestled back control. The van was now tail gating them, its headlights lighting up the whole interior of his car. ‘I’m going to try and lose them.’

     ‘Can’t you just stop and talk to them?’

     ‘Tilly, these people make angry posts on Twitter. You can’t win.’ Sammy mashed the brakes, and chucked the car to the left, down a side road lined with parked cars. It washed wide, went up onto the pavement and crashed back down off the curb.

     ‘Please don’t kill me.’ Tilly was pressing herself back into the seat.

     ‘I’ll try not to.’ Sammy glanced back in the rear view mirror. The van screeched past the turning, missing it.

Hands sawing at the wheel, he threw the ancient Mercedes down an even more narrow service road, lined with garages.

Tilly looked over her shoulder. ‘You sure you know what you’re doing.’

He had slowed down was still going far too fast for the narrow road. ‘No. Hang on, I’ve got it –’ an idea struck Sammy. ‘Use the car phone.’

‘How do I use it?’

‘It’s a phone, like any other! All you do is pick it up,’ he reached over and took it off the cradle.

Tilly screamed again. He looked up. They were heading for a bin. With no time to react, he hit it. The bang echoed around the road, as the bin rode up onto the bonnet, spilling it’s load out over the silver paintwork. Jamming the brakes on, he sent the bin sliding back down to the road, leaving takeaway tubs and a chicken carcass balanced on the car.

With another bang, the bin hit a very expensive parked car. A shrill alarm from the struck car joined the concerto. Curtains on the houses backing onto the garages twitched.

Her hand shaking, she picked up the phone. Sammy took it from her and slammed it back down. ‘I’m up for criminal damage now, maybe no 999 calls.’ He drove around the bin, towards the end of the service road. ‘Let’s just get back to my flat. I think I’ve lost them.’

‘Sammy, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.’

‘A bit late for that, you’ve just shaved some poor MILF’s head on an internationally broadcast show.’

As Sammy found a main road again, she was silent for a few seconds. Tilly swallowed and said: ‘I guess I can’t un-shave a head, can I?’ The obvious truth slowly dawned on Tilly.

‘You’re up to your neck in this, I’m afraid.’

Four more turns later, and there was no sign of the van. ‘I think we’ve gotten away with it.’

Tilly was gripping hold of the door handle, as if they were still screeching down the narrow roads. ‘How the fuck am I meant to sleep tonight?’

‘Don’t you worry, you’ll have me to protect you.’

‘That doesn’t do anything to make me feel better.’ Tilly said it without irony or humour.

‘We’re nearly back at mine, once you’re inside, you’ll forget all about this nonsense, I promise you.’ Sammy made a left onto his road: Warwick Crescent. ‘Oh…Bollocks…’ As they came around the curve in the road, a small crowd were blocking the road. He’d seen it before. The placards, the unflattering effigies of himself which looked like something kids would throw on the fire on Guy Fawkes night.

Tilly looked desperately at him.

‘Ok…’ Sammy did his best to think on his feet. His instinct was to charge at them and run them over, but he didn’t do it. ‘Slight issue…Don’t worry.’

It was the same crowd of young women and men. The men looked like belonged in soy boy memes, to Sammy. Front and centre was a redhead, holding up a sign that said “Jail The Netfilms Nonce”.

‘Oh no,’ Tilly sounded weak. ‘Are they calling me a nonce?’

‘Pretty sure that’s aimed at me.’ He slowed the car down, hearing the jeering even from inside the car.

‘I thought they called you a hairy nonce?’

‘Yes, alright! Thank you!’ He snapped. In the fabric roofed car, he felt less inclined to shout “cuck” than he did in the Land Rover with two body guards inside.

They seemed more peaceful this time, but were now chanting: “Packham is a creep who shaves hair, take the pervert – off – air.”

‘Here we bloody go.’ They had left room for him to pull up outside his block of flats. The red head seemed to be leading the group, she began to move towards the car. The crowd, 20 or so strong, moved with her.

‘Sammy…Do you have a plan? Please say you have a plan?’

The chanting got louder as they closed in on the car.

‘See the block of flats on the left?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Get out the car, run like buggery and go inside.’ He threw the door open, as the chanting became deafening. “PACKHAM IS A CREEP WHO SHAVES HAIR, TAKE THE PERVERT– OFF – AIR.” He dodged an egg which cracked and splattered across the windscreen.

      ‘Not today thank you!’ Sammy ran round the front of the car as Tilly was clambering out. At the same time a screech of tyres cut through the chanting. Coming towards them, came the van.

‘Oh, fuck!’ He sprinted up the steps, Tilly stumbling after him. Sammy thumbed in the access the code for the lobby, messing it up and putting the wrong number in.

‘Sammy, for fuck’s sake! Hurry up!’

‘I’m trying.’ He heard doors slamming closed behind him, as he keyed in the code again. Glancing over his shoulder he saw three occupants pile out of the van. One of them was the big dyke with the man’s haircut who had shaved Bea.

‘Don’t let him get inside.’ She bellowed, running towards him in heavy boots. ‘Packham, come here you wanker, be a man!’

The little light on the keypad flashed green. He threw the door open, grabbing Tilly and ran inside, hearing the tell-tale clomp of the big woman’s boots on the steps. Letting go of Tilly, sending her stumbling away as if it was part of a botched dance move, he slammed the door as the big woman was two steps away.

Sammy walked backwards, as fast as he could, watching, waiting for the tell-tale “clunk” of the door locking itself. The woman thumped the door with her hand, and at the same time – “clunk”.

He couldn’t help himself. ‘Ha!’ he shouted. ‘Bad luck, you big ugly lump.’

She drummed at the door with both fists, while others slowly walked up the steps to join her, still chanting. ‘Let us in Packham! Face the consequences of your actions.’ Behind her was the redhead. She was eerily familiar, but Packham struggled to place her.

Sammy carried on walking backwards until he collided with Tilly. ‘Err, no. Go home to your German Shepard and your Subaru, darling. See you on Twitter.’

‘Sammy!’ Tilly hissed. ‘Don’t wind them up.’

The woman, who looked like Shrek with a flapptop haircut in a hoodie, turned her back to him.

‘See, like I said, all talk.’ Sammy said breezily. Then, to his horror, she turned around and kicked the glass pane after putting some distance between her and it. The kick was enough to make the whole door rattle, and the second made a spider’s web shaped crack in it.

Tilly screamed, hugging Sammy, in the same way Shaggy hugged Scooby Doo.

Now, Sammy went cold. ‘Oh, bloody hell!’ he shrugged Tilly off and ran towards the bank of lifts, tripping over the heels of his Cubans on the way over. Another thunderous kick, then another, as he called the lift.

‘Sammy…’ Tilly was hugging him again. ‘They’re going to get us.’

He didn’t dare look at the woman in the Doc Martin’s, but when he heard what sounded like 10 plates shattering at once he couldn’t ignore her. The glass clattered to the ground, and Tilly hugged him so tightly it hurt.

She was kicking jagged edges to one side, and the others, like a zombie hoard, were closing in.

“Lift opening”

Both Sammy and Tilly leapt in at once.

‘Come on!’ Sammy shouted at the doors. ‘Close, you piece of shit!’

Sounds of footsteps over broken glass came. They were in the building, feet away from them. As the doors began the grind shut, Sammy heard boots running on the lobby floor. He shrunk back into the lift, eyeing the narrowing view of the lobby as the doors came together. A shadow, then a Doc Martin filled the gap.

‘Packham! Open the door!’ She looked at him through the one eye visible through the gap. The doors began to part.

Sammy stepped forwards, and as hard as he could, jabbed the heel of his Cuban into the toe of her boot.

‘Ahhrgh!’ She pulled her foot away. ‘You little cun-’

The door closed before she could finish her insult.

‘Great! Really, cool move. Nice work!’ Tilly was getting hysterically sarcastic. ‘Now she’s even more pissed off, I didn’t even know that was possible.’

‘Just try and calm down, OK?’

‘Calm down?’ Tilly slapped him against the lapel of his velvet jacket. ‘How can I do that?’

Sammy paced the lift as it began to move, pulling at his own hair which was matted with sweat. ‘Breathing exercises, maybe?…Oh, Lord, how do we get out of this one? And how the heck did they get my address?’

‘Maybe worry about that after?’

‘OK, here’s the plan.’ He gently took her by her shoulders. ‘When the doors open, go out the left, then turn right at the corridor. My flat is one door down. Got it?’

‘So…What’s the plan?’ Tilly said with her voice shaking.

‘Run like buggery.’

 ‘Again?’

 ‘Again.’

She whimpered. ‘Is run away your plan for everything?’

‘Yes.’

‘Cool,’ she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘That’s mine too.’

They waited by the doors, as the lift began to slow down. “Doors opening”

     Sammy and Tilly edged forwards, poised to run. Before they were fully open, Sammy was out the door, Tilly following. As fast as his heels would carry him, Sammy made for the corridor, keys ready in his hand. He rounded the corner – his flat was in sight.

But he could hear mass footsteps, pounding up the flight of stairs ahead of them. Then Shrek appeared, running faster than he thought she would be able to. Behind her was the red head, then the gaggle of soyboys, all running towards him.

‘Oooooh shit, shit, shit.’ Sammy came to a sudden stop, Tilly running right into his back. He spun on his heels, and started to run back the way he came. She ran with him, as the footsteps got louder.

‘Where are we going?’ she panted.

‘Outside.’ Sammy was already out of breath and finding it hard to talk. He passed the lift,  then came to a stop in front of fire exit. It creaked open, and Sammy took Till’s wrist in his  hand, trying to block out the shouts coming from inside the building. The thin metal fire escape wobbled underfoot. ‘Oh, bollocks.’ Sammy kicked the door closed behind them. At the base of the fire escape a small number of the protesters stood, shouting at him. ‘Looks like the only way is up.’

‘Sammy, I don’t like heights.’ Tilly’s voice was hollow and full of dread in the semi-darkness.

 He started to run up the fire escape, two steps at a time, leaving her behind. ‘Like getting your head shaved?’

That seemed to have the desired effect, as Tilly started her wobbly walk up behind him.

Sammy paused, one storey away from her. ‘Quickly, they’re right behind us. There’s another escape on the other side we can fuck off down.’ A shaft of light lit up the escape as the door opened, and Tilly was five steps away from it.

     ‘You’re on your own, girl.’ Sammy ran as fast as he could, finding speed he didn’t know he had. Tilly seemed very suddenly motivated to run, as the firescape shuddered as she raced up at, before it started to thump as the mob piled onto it.

Sammy stumbled up onto the roof, and tried to run. That brief surge of energy, would be his last. He ran two paces, but staggered to a stop. He felt like his lungs were bleeding, as he gulped down air which just as well as been razor blades. His leg muscles felt like hot jelly.

Tilly ran across the roof to meet him. ‘Sammy – where’s the exit? Sammy?’

‘It’s…’ Speaking made him feel like he was about to be sick. He couldn’t think straight. All he could do was move towards the edge of the building, stopping before the ledge. Doubled over, he tried sucking in air to get his breath back.

‘Running away from women, who he thinks are below him…Pathetic.’ Shrek lumbered up onto the roof, the red head coming after her.

‘Sammmmyyyyyy…’ Tilly whined.

He extended his arm, in an impotent gesture for calm. ‘Tilly…I’ll…’ Sammy made a rasping, uneven gasp for air. ‘I’ll handle this…’

Shrek, and the redhead, who was oddly familiar looking to Sammy closed in on him, as the gaggle of soyboys and hanger-oners joined them on the roof, still holding their signs.

Shrek and the redhead eyed him judgmentally, and he wondered if they were expecting some last second apology. ‘OK, ladies. What do you want? Just name it.’

They both blinked at him, their faces dim on the darkened roof, lit up only by light pollution from the city.

‘Money, is it money you want…?’ He watched their blank faces. ‘You want cash, I get it. I understand that, you don’t want it to be tracible. Right…Right?’ All he got was blank stares. ‘What about my Sovereign ring? I’ve got a jewellery box full of these little buggers.’

‘Sammy, please don’t fuck with them.’ Tilly pleaded, looking nervously over the edge. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

‘She’s right.’ Shrek said. ‘But as for you, you’re not getting away with this. One episode or not, you’re still a gender traitor.’

‘Gender traitor?’ Tilly squealed. ‘Is that even a thing?’

‘It is now.’ The redhead, who had been silent so far, spoke for the first time. Even her voice was familiar.

‘We don’t want money, gold, or any of your shit, Packham, OK?’ Shrek folded her arms. ‘What we want, is for you to face the consequences of your actions.’

Sammy noticed a few camera phones pointing their way, and he allowed himself a derisive laugh. ‘Well, that’s not going to happen, is it?’

‘It is, and thousands of people all-over the world will see it.’ Shrek smiled wickedly, reaching into the stuffer pockets of her hoodie.

Sammy’s throat went dry. She was holding some clippers, and passed them to the redhead. ‘I think you need to do this.’

The redhead placed the base of the clippers on her chin, and looked up in mock thoughtfulness. ‘Which first? The long hair or the gross beard?’

Sammy’s guts twisted. This wasn’t meant to happen to him!

The cordless clippers buzzed into life. ‘I’m gonna do Tilly first…’ she narrowed her eyes, looking hungrily at Tilly. ‘While I decide which part of the hairy nonce goes first.’

Shrek laughed. ‘Yeah…Make him into a bald nonce.’

Taking a step back, he felt the heels of his shoes click against the parapet behind, and the fall to the ground pulling him back.

‘Alright everyone, party time’s over.’ A voice came from the fire escape. It was smooth, deep, rich, and sounded like salted caramel being poured of a blue steak. It sounded American. Rico climbed up the fire escape, onto the roof, and looked utterly relaxed.

‘Rico?!’ Tilly and Sammy said in unison.

‘You sound surprised that I visited you. You should be more careful about who you give your address to, including freaks like these.’

‘I-I didn’t give it to them,’ Sammy broke into a smile. ‘But I am glad to see you, pal, I really am. I won’t forget this, I-’

Rico cocked an eyebrow. ‘Sammy. Shut the fuck up.’

‘So, you’ve come to save the day, what Americans do best, yeah?’ Shrek folded her arms. ‘The American action hero? Good luck mate, there’s one of you and ten of us, and another 10 down on the ground. Look everyone!’ she shouted. ‘America is here, to save us with its white teeth and fake tan.’

‘I’m terrified.’ Added the redhead.

He nodded calmly as he found his footing on the roof, clad in his trademark tight jeans and black t-shirt, with a leather jacket on top. ‘Good roast, but you know what else Americans are good at?’ He reached into his leather jacket, and pulled his arm out in one smooth action so it was straight. ‘Packing heat. Now enough with the wisecracks.’ Rico stood in a professional stance, arms straight, both hands on the pistol, legs wide apart.

The crowed began to back away, with the red head and Shrek gawping and swallowing.

Sammy broke out into a laugh, and looked up at the yellowy-grey London night sky. ‘Thank you, God, thank you, I knew you had my back,’ he winked at where he guessed God would be standing. ‘I won’t forget this.’

‘Sammy, zip it.’ Rico relaxed his stance sightly. ‘Now, Jessica Rabbit, Meatloaf,’ he nodded towards the redhead and Shrek. Sammy stifled a laugh. They were quite good teasing nicknames. He’d remember those. ‘Let the girl go, OK?’

 ‘Of course, of course,’ Sammy nodded sagely. ‘Ladies first, only right.’

 ‘She’s just been caught up in this sick motherfucker’s bullshit, that’s all. She don’t deserve this.’

Shrek’s bullish confidence had gone, and she nodded meekly.

‘That’s it…Making smart choices now.’ Rico kept the gun trained on Shrek as Tilly walked to safety.

‘I’m glad you could meet my friend, Rico.’ Sammy said, walking towards him. ‘You’ll be hearing from my lawyer, by the way.’

‘Hold up, you sick freak. You’re staying here.’ Rico pointed the gun at him.

Sammy froze. ‘Oh, come on Rico, now’s not the time to joke with me…Mate…You are joking, aren’t you?’

‘You’re creepy, you’re gross, you’re weird. You’re not my “mate”. You can stay the fuck on the roof with meatloaf and you deserve whatever happens to you.’

‘Rico, wait!’ Sammy wailed. ‘You’re creepy, gross and weird too! That makes us friends! You fucked a bald woman on stage for Pete’s sake! Don’t leave me!’

‘Hey!’ Rico paused on the way to the fire escape, Tilly clinging to his arm. ‘You know what the difference between me and you is? I’m good looking. Now, go to hell.’ He slid his pistol away and went down the stairs. Tilly hesitated, looking down.

‘You coming, or what?’ He called.

She glanced at Sammy one last time then lowered herself down the steps.

‘Traitor!’ Sammy yelled at her.

The mob began to move back towards him, lonely and vastly outnumbered on the roof.

‘We’re gonna have to move fast.’ Shrek said, and put a supportive hand on the redhead’s shoulder. ‘I know you’re our newest recruit. But I think you should do this.’

With the same click and snap Sammy had countless times, she turned on the clippers, and moved towards him, them buzzing in her hand. ‘Wait,’ Sammy didn’t know what he was making her wait for, but it was all he could do to stall her. ‘Wait, wait, wait. Whatever you want. Name it.’

She was making intense eye contact with him, her blue eyes boring into his. ‘You still haven’t woken up and realised, have you?’

Sammy stepped back, and his heels hit the parapet again. He looked over his shoulder, seeing his car six floors below and wished he hadn’t. ‘Realised what?’ He clutched on the verbal straw she had thrown him.

 ‘Who I am?’ The redhead turned the clippers off, and reached up, taking off the ginger wig. Under it, was a scruffy pixie. Dark blonde and greasy looking.

He gasped. ‘Flo?’

‘I look like shit, don’t I?’ She jutted her chin out, getting her face in his. He didn’t want to lean back anymore.

‘Flo, come now, don’t be so hard on yourself.’

‘I look like shit, and you know it. And you wanted me to. And I got nothing for it. Do you know how fucked up that is?’

He swallowed. ‘I have a pretty good idea, yes.’

‘Do you know how much my hair meant to me, Packham?’ Flo’s eyes were damp. Sammy decided to let her talk, which she did: ‘I was always “the blonde”, the same as Iona. It was our identities. Do you know what it was like to go out in public for the first time?’

Sammy shook his head, too stiff and terrified to make a wise crack.

‘I felt invisible and like there was a big fucking arrow over my bald head saying “look at this ugly bald girl” at the same time. And before you say it – yeah, you can wear a hat. But people just know.’

Flo kept staring into his eyes after she had finished talking. Sammy swallowed, and noticed that his throat felt like it was full of sawdust. ‘Flo, I’m sorry. Really, I am. That sounds…Dreadful. But…What did you think would happen?’ he tried as hard as possible to keep his tone neutral. He smiled disarmingly and shrugged. ‘You saw the show before coming on, you knew the risks didn’t you?’

‘But you make it worse. You rub in our faces,’ she started to raise her voice. ‘You tear away our femininity…What was it you said to me when I was waiting for the chair?’

‘I’m sorry, I don’t recall.’

‘YES YOU DO!’ she yelled in his face. ‘Wait until you’re in that chair, being stripped of your womanhood. Those were your words. You’re a sadist, you’re a sick, sick, fucking scumbag. Now, you get a taste of that.’

The clippers buzzed into life again, and Flo swiped them up, aimed at his face. Sammy felt like he was fending off a wasp, waving his arm around. Without thinking he stepped back, onto the ledge, desperate to move away from her.

‘Flo! Think about what you’re doing, do you really want to do this to a much-loved TV legend.’

‘I think she does.’ Shrek spoke for her. ‘Think about what you did for her much-loved hair…Don’t be so stupid and come down, take it like a man.’

Sammy felt his guts swim when he thought of the drop below him. He just wanted to be in his flat more than anything. ‘How does that make you better than me, Flo?’

‘It doesn’t.’ Flo curled her lip, looking even more unattractive with her short, messy hair. ‘That idea is you suffer.’

‘I think we all need to calm down, it’s been an interesting night.’ His voice was getting airless and weak. ‘There’s a compromise here, I’m sure.’

‘You’re being stupid. You’re literally risking your life,’ Flo waved her arms around. ‘For your long shitty hair and beard – they’re not even nice, you look homeless.’

Sammy twitched to avoid Flo’s hand which was wielding the clippers. As his weight shifted onto his heel heels, gravity had a sudden tug at his back.

     ‘OooOOooohh fff…’ Sammy couldn’t get his swear words out. Waving his arms around, as if trying to fly, he went forwards, bending his torso, trying to recover his balance.

Flo dropped the clippers, looking like the reality of what was happening was hitting her. ‘Take my hand! Quick!’

Sammy tipped too far forwards, posed like a teapot, then rocked back. He saw the yellow-grey sky again, and the heels of his Cubans grazed against the ledge. Then he was free falling, his own weight sending him plummeting to the ground. He had just enough time to see Shrek look over the edge.

*

‘You know, I am super, super, grateful for this.’

Rico offered his hand to Tilly as she stepped off of the fire escape. ‘You’re welcome. Now let’s get the hell outta here. My cab’s waiting a couple of streets away.’

‘Seriously, it’s like an 80s action hero has come rushing into the save the day.’

Rico could feel the relief radiating from Tilly. ‘That’s the energy I was going for, now let’s move.’

‘I sorta feel sorry for Sammy.’ Till said as they walked round the side of the building.

‘Don’t. The guy’s a piece of crap. Belongs in basement somewhere, not out here in real life.’

‘Fair. I mean, he is weird. I kinda liked him still…’

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Rico asked her.

‘Guess I’m attracted to weird guys. By the way, your gun…’ she dropped her voice to a whisper. ‘You know you’re probably going to get in trouble for that?’

‘Why?’ He shrugged. ‘Meatloaf and her friend up there won’t do shit. They don’t want police attention, and I doubt Sammy will either. He’ll probably lick his wounds until his hair grows back and keep a low profile. Anyway, it wasn’t even real. It was a prop, took it from the television centre. Where I grew up, you don’t wanna get caught lacking, and I guess that fake ass gun was the next best thing.’

They rounded the corner, and heard a shrill shriek. It was Sammy. He was falling through the air.

‘Holy crap!’ Rico shouted.

He was a blur of long hair and velvet, and then Warwick Crescent was filled with the sound of a tearing fabric roof as he landed on his own car, now dented and smeared with bin juice. The side windows popped, sending broken glass out in all directions as the car rocked on its springs.

      Tilly brought her hand up to her mouth, and Rico noticed it was shaking.

      The shiny Cuban heels hung over the windscreen, completely still.

Girls’ Embarrassment will return in 2025.

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