Don’t Think

Part 1: Fumbled

The sound of muffled laughter got closer as Ben traveled down the hall to his apartment. He braced himself to face the people inside. Accustomed to being alone, he was getting used to having a roommate. Inviting Zak, his best friend from high school, to live with him for the duration of a summer internship seemed like a great idea at the time. Ben’s social life had gone extinct. He hoped Zak would be a good influence. As teens, they had bonded over being outcasts. As an adult, Zak had parlayed adversity into social currency in a way that evaded Ben. Zak moved effortlessly in cool underground circles where people celebrated the same quirks they were mocked for in high school. At 25, Ben still didn’t really fit in anywhere. Even open-minded or nerdy people made him nervous. His job was all he really had going for him. Zak, on the other hand, took barely a week in a new city to meet the woman who became the center of his world for the next three months.

Ben had mixed feelings about Maya. She was beautiful, energetic, and always around. She had a large presence for such a petite figure. At first he was jealous of her for taking so much of Zak’s time. Eventually however, he deemed it for the best. Spending more time with Zak would have meant confronting just how much they had grown apart. Ben was nonetheless exhausted by performing socially at home, even for the short intervals he spent outside his bedroom. As he entered, he reminded himself that this arrangement was temporary.

The laughter was coming from the open door of the apartment’s only bathroom, accompanied by a mechanical hum. Ben turned the corner to find Zak shirtless on a stool surrounded by clumps of short black hair. Maya stood facing and nearly straddling him. She cradled his head in one hand and held clippers in the other. Zak gazed adoringly ahead at her chest just inches from his face while she worked. The couple burst into louder laughter as they acknowledged Ben’s arrival.

“Hey! Sorry if you need the bathroom. We’re almost done. I’ll clean up,” Zak politely promised.

“No rush. It’s all good,” Ben replied as he assessed the scene.

“Sweet. So what do you think? Do I pull this off?” Zak asked excitedly, facing his friend. He ran both hands through a wavy mohawk, about three inches long and wide. Gray stubble crested his temples. Maya admired her work with arms folded. Her own short trendy hair was pinned out her face so she could focus on her craft. 

“…Yeah. Looks cool,” Ben managed tentatively, eager to excuse himself from what felt like a private moment.

Maya gestured at Ben with the clippers and teased, “You next?” with a smirk. As she uncrossed her arms, her thin tank top betrayed the stiff state of her nipples. Ben glanced away. Even as a joke, the proposition was unbearably awkward.

“No thanks,” he sputtered and fled to his bedroom. He sank on to his bed, a little aroused and mostly miserable. He only had two more months of this.

As the end of the summer approached, Zak’s stubble got darker and fuzzier. The mohawk went blond and then blue before it vanished in the final days of his summer fling. With an inky buzzcut, Zak almost looked like he had in high school. At a glance, Ben could pretend nothing had changed. The longer he looked though, the more apparent the years were in Zak’s confidence and posture. 

During Zak’s last week, he returned home from a party in the middle of the night just as Ben filled a glass of water in the kitchen. “Ben! I’m so happy to see you. How are you man?” Zak asked, struggling to contain his volume.

“Fine… how are you?” Ben returned hesitantly.

“Ascendant,” Zak declared, seizing his friend in a hug.

“What are you on?” Ben asked chuckling.

“Molly. Have you ever tried it?” Zak asked.

“No.”

“What about edging?”

Taken aback, Ben sputtered, “Also no…”

“Bro, I think I met God tonight. I thought I knew wild, but Maya is on some next level freaky shit,” he confided. Ben stiffened. Talking about sex made him uncomfortable. He had a hard time relating to people in general, but especially on this. His preferences were an enigma to even himself.

“Great. She sounds cool,” Ben mustered unenthusiastically.

“She really gets stuff. You know, she sees something in you?”

“Like what?” Ben inquired.

“Well, she asked me about a threesome,” Zak explained, still gripping Ben by the shoulders, amounting to the most physical contact he’d had in months. 

“WHAT?”

“Relax, I told her I wasn’t into it. I’m all about a one-on-one connection.”

“Ok… good. So why are you telling me this?”

“When I leave, she’s gonna ask you out,” Zak elaborated.

“Are you kidding?” Ben demanded skeptically. Zak got serious and fixed his gigantic pupils on Ben. Then he tenderly brushed the hair out of Ben’s eyes and held his face.

“No and it’s very important that you say yes to anything she wants. This could be really good for you,” he insisted.

“But she’s your girlfriend,” Ben rebutted, shrinking away from the startlingly intimate touch that a small part of him was starving for.

“You got it all wrong. We don’t possess each other. The only way to fumble this is to overthink it.”

“You’re high.”

“Listen. You’re already a brother to me in here,” Zak lectured pointing at Ben’s heart. “Why not there?” he added, tilting his finger to point at his friend’s crotch.

“Dude, you’re so fucking high. Go to bed,” Ben asserted and retreated to his room.

After this conversation, Ben couldn’t bear the thought of being alone with Maya. He avoided them both completely until he couldn’t any more. They were all present to load Zak’s car and say goodbye. After warm farewells, Zak drove off leaving the pair on the sidewalk. Ben’s heartbeat throbbed so loud in his ears that he almost didn’t hear Maya ask,  “Are you going to miss him?”

“Yeah,” Ben answered, failing to meet her kind gaze, unsure if he was telling the truth.

“Me too.” After an awkward silence, she continued, “Can I ask you something?” A wave of adrenaline crashed over Ben and swept him away. Without answering, he turned and left. He didn’t register her reaction as he hurried inside and down the hall, alone again at last.

 

Part 2: Negotiations

His brazen display of cowardice haunted Ben for weeks as the leaves started to change color. He had reached a new low. He went through motions, managing to avoid people completely outside of obligations. One morning, Ben noticed how overdue he was for a haircut and decided even that was overwhelming. He usually tolerated the old woman who cut his hair because she didn’t speak enough English to bother him with small talk. He also trusted her not to cut too much, keeping him safe from annoying comments from coworkers. The thought of hair reminded him of Zak and Maya, triggering the shame spiral all over again. Ben accepted that he would be unable to focus on anything else until he did something about it.

That evening, he stopped at the restaurant where Maya worked as a bartender to apologize. He picked at a side of fries in a booth and slowly summoned the courage to approach the bar and face her. He remained frozen to his seat as minutes ticked by. After a deep breath, he opened his eyes just as Maya appeared across from him.

“Well, this is a surprise,” she stated plainly with a polite smile. He was relieved not to initiate and disappointed that he couldn’t even manage that step.

Ben got straight to the point: “I came here to apologize for blowing you off. That was stupid and rude.”

“Thank you, that means a lot,” she said, passing him a beer. “So what was that about?”

“I don’t know honestly. I got scared,” he explained. 

“Of me?” she laughed.

“It’s not you. It’s everyone. Attention freaks me out,” he clarified.

“Have you talked to a professional about that?” she wondered.

“Once. It was weird.”

“It’s supposed to be weird,” she explained with an eye roll.

“That’s exactly what Zak said,” Ben noted.

“Well, he’s right. How is he by the way?”

“I don’t know. We don’t keep in touch.” 

“That’s too bad. We had fun,” she reminisced wistfully.

“Yeah… I could tell.”

“Were we loud? Sorry…” she apologized, seeming equally proud and chagrined.

“It’s fine,” he promised.

“So… what did he tell you about me?” she pried.

“He said you’d be good for me,” Ben stated.

“He sounds like a good friend. Is that all?” 

“He told me to do whatever you wanted.”

“Did he say what that might be?” she prodded. 

“No. Why? Are you still interested?” Ben asked hopefully.

“I might be. I appreciate you apologizing, but you really hurt my feelings. It would take a pretty big gesture to make it up to me,” she continued coyly.

“A gesture? Like what?”

“Hear me out… how about a haircut?”

“A haircut?” he repeated incredulously.

“You know they say hair holds negative energy?”

“Uh huh… so you want to give me a mohawk too?” 

“Do you want a mohawk?”

“Not really…” he answered befuddled.

“What about a buzzcut?” she suggested.

“I don’t know. What’s this about exactly?” he asked, beginning to relax. Making sense of this curveball was taking mental bandwidth away from being anxious.

“It turns me on,” she answered with a shrug.

“Like a fetish?” he clarified, suddenly relieved of pressure to act casual or normal. This conversation was decidedly not casual or normal, through no fault of his. 

“Something like that…” she admitted with a wry smile. 

“But why me instead of someone with a buzzcut already?”

“You see, making guys change makes me feel powerful.”

“Wow… that sounds, uh… toxic,” he remarked with an astonished chuckle. 

“So is alcohol. But isn’t it fun in moderation?” Maya lectured, gesturing with her glass. “Don’t think too hard about it. It’s just a kink. Don’t you have kinks?”

He considered this and nodded his shaggy head.

“Would you elaborate?” she beseeched.

“I’d rather not. This is already kind of a lot.”

“Well, does getting dominated sound a little fun to you?” she prodded.

He sat up straighter and conceded, “Yeah… maybe more than a little.”

“See, I knew I was right about you. Do we have a deal?” she posed.

“If it’s really that important to you…”

“My kinks are much weirder and less important than therapy. I don’t see how that’s a problem.”

“Fair enough,” he awarded with a smirk.

“Your issues aren’t the point though. We can make magic but I’m not trying to fix you. I’m in this for sex.”

“You mean you don’t want to save me from all this negative energy?” he retorted sarcastically, raking his fingers through his seven or so inches of floppy brown hair. 

Impressed by his sudden lack of deference, she smiled and added, “That’s just a bonus.”

“Fine,” he affirmed. “But does it have to be a buzzcut?” he groaned. 

“I guess not,” she said. “I like to see a transformation. Bigger is better, but I didn’t even mean to take Zak that far. I completely botched a fade. The mohawk was the only salvaging it without shaving it all off. What a good sport… I learned my lesson, though. I’ll leave complicated cuts to the professionals.”

“So what should I ask for?” Ben wondered, anticipating a rough language barrier between him and Mrs. Kang, his elderly hairdresser. 

“I’ll take care of that. Fortunately, someone owes me a favor. Let’s pay him a visit,” she explained as she put her coat on.

“Right now?”

She stiffened and went stern, “I’m going easy on you, but don’t talk back. When it’s a question, I’m asking. When it’s not, I’m telling. So let me ask, are you in or not?” Her shift in tone struck him with a mix of dread and delight. As dread faded, delight lingered. 

He nodded sheepishly. 

“Then don’t worry about your tab and follow me,” she ordered. He scrambled to obey. 

 

Part 3: Favor

They arrived shortly later at a barbershop with lights on behind drawn blinds. “I think they’re closed,” Ben observed.

“Relax, Pete owes me. I’m his reference to get into orgies,” Maya explained, knocking on the locked door. Thoroughly out of his element, Ben couldn’t argue with that. An annoyed heavily tattooed man in his 30s with a slick undercut appeared in the doorway. His lean face lit up with recognition as he opened the door and greeted Maya.

“While it’s always a pleasure to see you, I was just heading out,” he explained.

“What if it’s an emergency?” she pouted seductively. 

“Respectfully, I don’t trust your definition of an emergency…” he retorted, turning his gaze on Ben. “Whatever it is… I’m sure it can wait until tomorrow.”

“Pete please, you really expect me to live with this any longer,” she pleaded, taking a startling fistful of Ben’s hair. 

“Ow!” Ben exclaimed. Maya tightened her grip. “Ah, oh…” he vocalized as the pain took on a different dimension.

Pete laughed and shook his head. “Where do you find these guys?” 

“They find me,” she said with an innocent shrug.

“Well, if you’re in such a hurry, do it yourself. I have plans.”

“I can only do one length all over and he doesn’t want a buzzcut,” she explained. 

“If he doesn’t want a buzzcut, then what’s he doing with you?” the barber wondered.

“We’re taking it slow. He’s… fragile,” she explained. 

“Well you must really be somebody special,” Pete shot at Ben with a wry grin. “Come back tomorrow.”

“Fine by me. Let’s go,” Ben offered and prepared to leave. He froze as Maya gripped his arm hard.

Next she slowly unbuttoned the plain black blouse she had worn to work and coaxed, “Come on Pete, are your plans really better than these…” Pete leaned against the door frame and watched pensively. Ben witnessed the seduction in stunned silence. It seemed like a lot of hassle on his behalf. After a moment, the barber sighed and begrudgingly gestured for them to enter. Maya giddily hugged and thanked him. The barber took this opportunity to grab her ass. She didn’t seem to mind. 

Once inside, Pete wasted no time seating and caping Ben who remained too stunned to form a complete thought, let alone attempt niceties. “You don’t look fragile. So what’s your deal?” Pete interrogated as he gathered supplies.

“I’ve been told I… overthink,” Ben offered as Maya took a front row seat at the neighboring station. 

“Trust me bro, let her do all the thinking,” the older man advised as he sauntered to Maya’s side. He reached a hand into her open blouse, closed his eyes, caressed her breast, and continued, “All you have to do is feel.” She smiled and leaned in. The barber returned to the timid client and raked his hair back. At last he asked Maya, “What am I doing with this?”

She answered sweetly, “Mid fade, leave about… two inches on top, textured. Don’t touch the beard.”

“You’ve gone soft,” the barber stated.

“I just got this one back. I don’t want to scare him away again,” she explained.

Pete shrugged and said, “Suit yourself,” as he sectioned Ben’s hair. Ben noticed that the barber hadn’t even bothered to ask him about his own haircut. It was an unusual and degrading version of customer service that only made sense under the circumstances. The older man handled him roughly and hastily. Pete’s authoritative touch felt nothing like Mrs. Kang. Within the span of an exhale, clippers materialized and removed chunks of hair without hesitation or warning. The restyle was well underway by the time Ben registered that it had even started. As tufts tumbled down the cape, he tried and failed to remember the last time he had his hair cut with clippers.

The only way out was through. As his head assumed an entirely new size and shape, Ben dreaded the inevitable small talk coworkers would attempt about his transformation. He tried to take Pete’s advice. Don’t think, just feel…. and he felt emasculated. The longer it went on, the less it stung. That morning, this whole scenario would have sounded unbearably awkward, but there he was, bearing it. It was maybe even exciting. Discomfort had a certain appeal over being numb and bored. Maybe Pete’s scrutiny and irritation weren’t that different from Maya pulling his hair or squeezing his arm, pain he could enjoy. He felt less numb physically too. His freshly exposed skin was oddly sensitive to the circulating air. He started to regret all the sensations that he had been avoiding. The literal dark cloud of hair around his head was an uncannily good metaphor for the emotional dark cloud afflicting him. Compelled by the possibility hair might actually hold bad energy, Ben was glad to watch the pile grow. The vibrations were so mesmerizing, he was almost disappointed when the barber swapped the clippers for scissors. Maya was enthralled every step of the way. Ben could only meet her laser focus for a few seconds at a time. That too was a rush.

“Well?” Pete asked Maya toward the end of the process. “How’s the length?” She stood to get a better look. After studying Ben from the front, she moved behind him. She wedged herself between the chair and the barber’s body. Pete embraced her from behind and stooped to smell her neck as she gently stroked Ben’s scalp. Ben was too dazed by the scalp massage to care about what Pete was doing or that his hand had migrated from Maya’s hip to her waistband and beyond. She moaned dreamily. 

“Did I make you happy?” Pete growled in Maya’s ear. His desperation for her approval starkly contrasted how in control he was just a moment ago. 

“Oh yes, you’ve been a very good boy. There’s just enough skin for me. I can live with the rest,” she approved, tousling Ben’s remaining crop. 

“Live with it? Surely I can do better than that,” the man groaned with exaggerated disappointment.

“He’s been brave enough for one day. Besides, didn’t you have plans?” Maya scolded playfully.

“Not anymore. What do you say kid? Is that all you can handle?” the barber asked with a firm squeeze on the seated man’s shoulder. Spellbound by the steamy scent wafting off of the barber’s hand, Ben struggled to form words. He looked at his reflection. He felt changed but incomplete. Bad energy still lingered. Ben clumsily freed a hand from the cape and stroked his head. He didn’t like how dull and muted the top felt compared to the sides.

At last he admitted, “I could go higher.”

Surprised and impressed, Maya resumed massaging and asked, “How high?”

He blurted, “Can you shave the rest off? I’ve uh… come around.” Maya’s fingers froze and then dug into his skin. She tipped his head back to look him in the eyes.

“All of it?” she hoped hungrily.

“Yeah… I could use the fresh start,” he agreed. Maya planted a kiss on Ben’s forehead that he felt with his whole body. Pete stepped back equal parts impressed and annoyed.

“I guess you didn’t need me after all,” the barber lamented.

“Oh right! Hey man, I’m sorry…” Ben offered.

“Don’t apologize for coming to your senses,” Pete countered with a shrug, passing Maya the clippers. She looked at them like treasure.

“Are you sure?” she checked. Ben nodded. If he had any remaining doubts, she obliterated them with another kiss. Then she obliterated his remaining hair. Her hands felt like they belonged on his skin better than Pete’s, Mrs. Kang’s, or Zak’s ever had. Everything about it felt right. He wanted her to touch him everywhere and certainly couldn’t have any hair in the way. This process was shockingly faster than the first phase, even as Maya drew it out to savor it as much as possible. When she was done, Pete stepped in with a foil shaver for a nearly smooth finish. 

Ben’s bald reflection was alien and severe. He was mortified but mostly glad to be looking at someone who could take risks and tolerate unfamiliar situations. He felt naked, dizzy, and aroused. As Pete cleared the clippings and cape off the shorn client, Maya shifted in place with excitement.

“This is so fucking hot. I can’t wait to get you home,” she announced eagerly. Upon hearing this, the barber adjusted Ben’s seat into a reclined position. Falling back, Ben steadied himself as Pete retrieved a small package from a drawer. 

The barber tossed something to Maya and proposed, “Then don’t.” She caught and inspected a condom. Pete continued, “Make yourself at home, as long as you don’t mind my company or break my chair…” He sat down and leaned back in anticipation of their reply. The couple glanced at each other. Maya’s eyes were wide and hungry. Ben rubbed his face and shorn head. After a moment, he smiled and nodded at Maya who immediately undressed. Pete unzipped his pants as Maya climbed into Ben’s lap. “So much for taking it slow…” he remarked and started to stroke himself.