Tilly’s Crush

A while since I last posted. Life can sometimes get in the way of inspiration. I have been inspired by a raven haired muse to write this, who I would like to thank. Cheers Tilly. Enjoy. 

 

“Are you coming to the quiz tonight then Tills? Simon will be there…” Maddy asked teasingly.  

Tilly ducked her head, trying to hide her face under her bangs at Maddy’s pointed question. She had made the mistake of opening up to her best friend about last week’s dream and now Maddy was making a new hobby of teasing her over her feelings to Simon every chance she got.  

“Relax Tills, just come and have a few drinks and see how it goes. I won’t say a thing, promise.” Maddy laughed as she walked away to her car.  

Tilly pulled out her headphones and started her walk to the bus stop, daydreaming over Simon as Stone Temple Pilots blasted in her ears. Simon was a 30 year old fitness nut who liked to climb mountains and snowboard over the alps. How could she even consider herself in the same orbit as him? With her battered band tees and shorts with fishnets, Tilly knew her place on the pecking order. She stood at all of 5’6, ate healthily enough that her skin hadn’t had any breakouts and walked everywhere to keep herself in at least not chubby. She felt let down in the chest department though. “Molehills, if the moles were mice”, as Maddy had affectionately called them one drunken evening. Her one redeeming quality was her hair. It wasn’t particularly long or especially thick, but she had received more than one compliment on her shoulder length locks, raven black with an “adorable” fringe (so she was told) that only slightly crept over her eyebrows. It was the one thing she genuinely liked about herself. Even then, her confidence to even say hello to someone like Simon needed at least 3 drinks before it would make an appearance.  

 

The quiz had gone about as Tilly had expected. She had tried to contribute, but her voice had been lost in the noise as the group talked over her. She had managed to grab a seat next to Maddy on the end corner of the table, and they had kept the pints coming between them both. She had even gotten up the courage to get Simon’s latest one! As people started to trail off, Tilly found herself and Simon amongst the final stragglers. Maddy gave her a slight elbow, nudging her head in Simon’s direction and trying to be subtle in a way only she could. Simon was laughing with Joey next to him and Maddy could barely make out their conversation. Whether it was the adrenaline pumping through her from the replays in her brain, or the evenings intake catching up with her, Tilly finally managed to find her voice.  

“Simon, do you live just down by the Tesco yeah?” 

“Yeah, how come?” 

“Is there any chance you could walk me home at all? It’s a bit dark outside and I’ve had a few.” 

“Sure Tills, you wanting to go like?” 

She’d done it.  She’d actually managed to string a sentence together in his presence. And he was walking her home! Tilly managed a smile as she grabbed her bag and gave Maddy a quick hug. Maddy’s whispered encouragement was enough to get a quick blush out of Tilly before she followed Simon out of the bar and into the cold air. 

“You did alright tonight kiddo” Simon said, as they started the walk.  

“Thanks, lots of The Chase I guess haha”, she replied awkwardly. She felt Simon looking at her, catching what she thought was a grin.  

Simon stuck his hands in his pocket and said, “You know, with it being Saturday tomorrow, I was gonna stay up and listen to some music if you wanted another drink.”  

This made Tilly’s heart almost stop. No way had he just invited her round!?  

“Erm, yeah, that sounds like fun!” 

 

They got into Simon’s flat and he dropped his coat onto the floor by the door. Tilly was a bit taken aback. His flat was a mess. The front door opened into a tiny hallway littered with clothes, and a half shut door on the left suggested a bathroom that had that weird off-white paintjob suggesting it was on the older side. He led her through to his living room, where magazines covered in mountains and snow were strewn over a coffee table that had various bottles of colour on it. The walls were decorated with a mix of posters of TV Shows and Movies, with half nude actresses and Sammy Packham’s shit eating grin staring down at her. There was a small beat up couch that he sunk into, and she didn’t see anywhere else to sit than the musty cushion next to him. At least it meant she could touch knees with a reasonable excuse? Simon reached forward and lifted a Jack Daniels, offering her some straight from the neck. Not wanting to be rude, and still a bit in awe she had made it this far, Tilly took a swig. The alcohol from the night was starting to hit her harder than she expected. 

Simon laid back on the couch and looked at Tilly squarely. “So how come you’ve never brought a guy with you to the bar? Are you and Maddy a couple then?” 

Tilly nearly choked. “What? No haha, she’s just my best mate. I’m just too busy with work for guys.” She managed to almost casually lie. Truth be told, Tilly had struck out on almost every dating app. She would get matches no problem, but they were all just after nudes or sent degrading messages instead of opening lines. She understood she was just a piece of meat to them, but they could at least be nice about it? 

“Oh alright, you not seeing anyone then?” He said, reaching over and twirling a lock of her hair with his fingers.  

Tilly let out an awkward laugh, “Guess I’m not eh haha.” 

Simon leant towards her, close enough that she could smell the beer on his breath.  

“Guess they’re the ones missing out then. Come here.” 

He stood up and took Tilly’s hand, leading her out of the living room. Tilly’s brain was racing at a million miles per hour. She’s pictured a lot more romance and flirting first, maybe some decent foreplay. But he was still *Simon*. She would never even register on the radar for someone like him. She started to move towards the third door in the hallway, before he tugged her towards the bathroom. What? 

Simon pulled her in, turning on the light behind them. He moved her towards the sink, where a cracked mirror showed her own awkward smile back at her. Her eyes betrayed the anxiety under her thick bangs, her dark hair still neatly framing her pale face. Simon stood right behind her, she could feel a lump pushing into her arse.  

“When was the last time you had a haircut Tills?” he asked, almost trapping her with his body against the sink. 

“Erm, I cut it myself last week? I don’t really need one I don’t think?” 

“Thought so. It looks like it. Sit down, let me fix it properly for you.” 

*What the fuck* she thought to herself. Internally, her sober side was in turmoil. She actually liked her hair, it was the only thing she did, but this was *Simon*. What if she said no? He would just throw her out to the streets and she’d have to stop going to the quiz and she wouldn’t get to sleep with *Simon*. God she hated how desperate she was for him. She guessed a little bit of hair wasn’t too big a price.  

 

“Oh. Erm, ok haha. Thanks I guess. Not too much though yeah?” She nervously tried to force a laugh to play off her anxiety. Tilly let his firm hand push her onto a stool he had moved from the corner of the bathroom. “Do you have a towel or something?” She asked. 

“Just take your top off” 

Tilly took this as a positive sign that the night was at least going in the direction she hoped and lifted her top over her head. She hadn’t even bothered wearing a bra, and her tiny breasts barely moved. She felt Simon’s hands at her trousers, undoing the button on her shorts.  

“Here, get them off too.” 

Tilly was soon sat in her underwear, in Simon’s bathroom, staring at his reflection holding a pair of very professional looking haircutting scissors. She caught her own face looking back at her. She thought her hair looked good, but if it meant Simon was taking an interest in her… Tilly tried to muster up her best fake smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

“You know what you’re doing yeah? You’ve done this before Si?” 

“Don’t worry, just let me fix you up babe.” 

She closed her eyes as Simon lifted a lock from the back and grimaced at the rasping sound of the scissors. She couldn’t tell how much it was, but that sounded a lot more than an inch! 

“You said you’re just fixing it Si yeah?” 

“Don’t worry babe, I’m going to make you look hot as fuck.” 

“But you said it was just a trim yeah?” She noted the touch of fear in her voice but Simon didn’t reply. Instead she just heard the horrible crunching of the scissors again, this time much closer to her ear. Her eyes shot open and she saw Simon dropping a handful of her hair to the floor. How much hair was that!? As she watched, Simon lifted the side of her hair in a full handful, holding it over her ear, and slid the scissors in about an inch from her head. He didn’t hesitate, sawing through it with force and pulling at her head.  

“Simon please no, that’s all of my hair!” Tilly cried out. Her breath picked up and she almost started hyperventilating. 

“I said don’t worry. Sit still for me babe.”  

Why did the word babe have so much of an effect on her!? She hated this, but at the same time he clearly wanted her, right? He wouldn’t call her that if he didn’t? And she could still salvage what was left, maybe make some cute pixie cut out of it. God she hated her hair short, it made her look like a boy. But as long as Simon was there then at least she would have something for it.  

As these thoughts all raced around her head, Simon had continued chopping. Handfuls were picked up and severed, discarded around her. He had dropped some down her front and the contrast of black hair on pale skin almost made her sick.  

“Please Simon, at least leave a little bit yeah?” Tilly was battling to keep tears from forming. 

“I know what I want, be quiet babe.” 

Simon crunched through the last section over her left ear. Her hair looked brutalised, long hair on top stopping abruptly between her nose and her temple. The only part he hadn’t touched were her bangs, but she saw him moving forwards towards them. He grasped them in his hand. 

“Please let me keep my bangs Si, please. Just them. Do what you want with the rest.” 

“I’m doing what I want babe, you just be a good girl yeah.” 

He slid the scissors under her bangs and closed them high up on her forehead. Tilly broke, the tears escaping as she sobbed. Simon didn’t even seem to care! He sawed through her bangs, dropping them on her lap unceremoniously. Her shield from the world was gone, and she looked up into her red eyed reflection. Where her thick blanket covering her forehead used to sit were ragged tufts, barely longer than her hairline. Simon walked back in front of her and she could clearly see his arousal in his trousers. Any feeling of attraction quickly started to dissipate as she realized he was taking pleasure out of this. She tried to stand, but his hand pushed her back down with force, almost throwing her back into the seat.  

“I’m not done yet, stay there.”  

Her fear kept her rooted, he’d already fucked up her hair, it couldn’t get any worse right? And she was scared about what could happen if she tried to argue. Simon had moved to the top of her head, picking up the longer pieces and snipping through them individually. Her black hair still rained down and Tilly tried to find her safe space in her head. She started to rock back and forth in her chair, bringing her knees up to her body.  

Simon finally acknowledged her as he put the scissors on the sink.  

“I think you look so much better without that ridiculous mop Tills. You don’t think so?” 

She couldn’t speak. Her breath caught in her throat when she tried. She just looked up at him, exposed and feeling like a bunny staring at a fox. Her body was almost paralyzed. She could only shake her head, small movements, which made him frown. 

“Oh. Well then. Let me try something else.” 

He turned round and fiddled with something, her brain barely processing the movements. In the background, she saw a stranger looking back at her from the glass. Her hair, what was left of it, was destroyed. Inch long tufts were surrounded by shorter patches sticking straight up. It looked like her grandad’s garden when he hadn’t cut the grass for a few weeks, she thought, her brain disassociating from her current situation. 

When he turned round and moved behind her, she could only let his hand guide her head up towards the ceiling. She noticed the dirt on the white paint and the worn lightbulb. She focused on that as she heard a click, followed by a buzzing sound.  Her fear kept her rooted, and she didn’t even flinch as the clippers drove a path through what used to be the only part of herself that she loved.

The ragged remains of her bangs tumbled on to her breasts, the rest of the hair falling away as the clippers stripped her bare. She didn’t think her skin could be any paler, but the white of her scalp made a stark contrast to the offwhite walls enclosing her. Simon worked the clippers over her scalp again, creeping them across her head. Every vibration felt like an earthquake to Tilly’s soul. She wanted to fall through the chair and be swallowed by the earth. More tears rolled down her face as the clippers made pass over pass. Simon folded each ear down roughly, running the blades around them. After what could only be described as the longest night of Tilly’s life, the buzzing stopped.  

Simon took a firm grip of Tilly’s chin and pointed it at the mirror. She choked at her reflection. Her ears, normally covered by her mane, looked so small. Her thick black eyebrows contrasted against the dark stubble on her scalp, and her eyes, bloodshot and red, had nowhere to hide. She looked like a freak. Finally, she looked at the ground. Her hair was littered over the floor, the bath and the sink. Locks clung to her body, mixed with her tears. Her hands flew to her face as the sobs wracked her soul. She barely even noticed Simon picking her up like a toddler, carrying her to his bedroom. Tilly was broken.