Snagg
A Podcast for Dudes
Once a year, the queer city magazine organized a big gala to honor people who had made a significant contribution to the queer scene. And this time, Simon was nominated as a stand-up comedian in the “Entertainment” category.
Before the show started, he was sitting in the box of his friend Martin, who would be hosting the gala as the drag queen Martina Koyak.
“I’m glad you came after all,” Martina said. “If someone who’s been nominated doesn’t show up and then ends up winning, it creates a weird atmosphere in the room.”
“Aside from the fact that I’m not a big fan of events like this,” Simon said, “the people I’d most like to be sitting at the table with tonight aren’t available. You’re on stage as the host, my boyfriend is on a film shoot, and Carl is still in Spain.”
“I’m sure you know a lot of people here.”
“But these people aren’t necessarily my friends. Or to put it another way: I often don’t know if people are genuinely interested in me or if they’re just drawn to the fact that I’m a relatively well-known person.”
The gala began, and it turned out that Simon was indeed awarded the prize in the “Entertainment” category. After receiving the statuette and getting a few laughs with his brief acceptance speech, he left the stage. However, he didn’t return to his seat. Instead, he went to the restroom.
The restroom was empty. But just as he was about to take a piss in a urinal, another guy walked in and stood at the urinal next to him.
“Congrats!” said the guy.
Simon looked over at him. It was this buzz cut rugby player named Erik who had won the award in the “Sports” category.
“Congrats to you, too!” Simon said, tucking his cock back into his sweatpants.
“It seems like we’re the only two people at this event wearing sportswear.”
“I always wear sportswear,” Simon said.
“Me too,” Erik said, pulling up his shorts. “But the last time I went to that gala, I got criticized for not appearing in a suit.”
“Why shouldn’t an athlete wear athletic clothes?” Simon asked as they walked toward the door. “I do a lot of sports myself and feel most comfortable in sportswear.”
They stepped into the hallway, and music drifted toward them from the direction of the stage.
“How does it feel to have won the Queer Athlete of the Year award?” Simon asked.
“It’s a kind gesture, but I get more excited when my team wins a game,” Erik replied. “And how about you? How does it feel to have been awarded Queer Entertainer of the Year?”
“I try to appreciate it, but in the end, it’s more exciting for me to put on a great show for my audience.”
Erik stopped. “You’d rather not be here at all, would you?”
“Well, on evenings when I don’t have a gig, I prefer to either stay home or work out.”
Erik grinned. “Can you play basketball?”
“Yeah, but not very well. Why do you ask?”
“There’s a basketball court next door. Should we head over there and play for a bit? I’ve got a ball in my car.”
For the first time that evening, a sense of ease began to wash over Simon. “Yeah, let’s get out of here! I’ve never wanted to play basketball as much as I do right now.”
“I felt uncomfortable the whole evening. I felt like I had to keep myself in check the whole time, for example, making sure I didn’t scratch my balls,” Erik said as they sat, sweaty, on a bench next to the basketball court after their little match.
“Are you, like me, one of those guys who like to scratch their balls?” Simon asked.
Erik nodded. “I scratch when it itches. And it turns me on to see other dudes scratching their balls.”
“You’re pretty hairy,” Simon said, pointing to the chest hair bulging out from under Erik’s tank top.
“Wonderful, isn’t it? Imagine, once I had a boyfriend who wanted to give me a full-body shave. Chest hair, armpit hair, the hair on my balls, he wanted to make it all go away. But I told him that I like being hairy. Then he broke up with me. Idiot!”
“I’m not particularly hairy,” Simon said. “But my boyfriend is. And I love it.”
Erik stroked his thick beard. “Another part of my masculine identity is my full beard. I can’t imagine ever shaving it off.”
“The beard suits you,” Simon said. “As for me, I prefer to express my masculinity with a rough, short stubble.”
“But what we have in common is that we both have buzz cuts.”
“Except that I have a buzz cut with a skin fade.”
Erik ran his hand over his ultra-short brown hair. “To get a skin fade, I’d have to go to the barber, but I don’t feel like it. I’d rather have my boyfriend and I buzz each other’s heads every few days. We use it as a kind of foreplay.”
Then Erik scratched his balls again and asked, “Do you want to go back in?”
Simon shook his head. “No, thanks. I’d rather go to bed.”
“Should I drive you home?”
“If it’s not too much trouble, sure. I was actually planning to ride my bike here, but I got a flat tire this afternoon and didn’t have time to change the tube before the gala.”
Erik drove Simon home. Before Simon got out, they exchanged phone numbers.
“Thanks for saving my evening!” Simon said.
“I’m the one who should be thanking you!” Erik replied. “Next time, let’s just do sports instead of trying to fit in at some gala first!”
Simon watched the car drive away for a moment before going inside. Of course, Erik was an attractive man to him, someone he would have hooked up with right away if he’d been in a different phase of his life. But now, he was happy that it looked like he’d found a new friend.
The next morning, Simon received a WhatsApp message from Erik: “It was nice meeting you. I’d love to continue our dude talk.”
And that’s exactly what they did from then on. They met up regularly to work out together and then chat about everything under the sun, but mostly about being a man.
After a few months, Erik said, “Hey, bro, why don’t we start a podcast together?”
Simon agreed. They decided to do a video podcast and named it “One is hairy, the other tattooed.”
Simon suggested recording the podcast at CLEAN CUT, the barbershop where Tony used to cut his hair for years.
“Even though I don’t go to the barber myself,” Erik said, “I think a barbershop is the perfect location for a podcast hosted by two masc guys.”
Once a week, in the evenings after Tony had finished work, he let the two podcasters use his barbershop. Simon’s boyfriend Pablo helped them choose the right equipment and gave them some basic tips on how best to film themselves.
Many of their exchanges were perfect for posting as short snippets on the podcast’s social media channels. This helped boost their reach, and before long they had established themselves as a solid podcast duo.
Here are a few snippets:
“Bro, you’re as hairy as a bear.”
“Are you jealous? Or why did you get that grizzly tattooed on your chest?”
“My full beard can be used for painting, your stubble for scrubbing pots.”
“Dude, you say you prefer to buzz your head at home. But the truth is, you’re banned from every barbershop because you’ve smashed too many shop windows with your rugby ball.”
“I don’t like perfume either,” Erik said. “I prefer to smell like myself. Just like a man.”
“When a guy smells like perfume, it makes me feel sick. But when a guy smells like a man, it makes me horny.”
“During our last episode, you scratched your crotch 57 times!” Simon said.
“Was there a contest? If I’d known, I would have scratched myself more often.”
“We both prefer sportswear,” Erik said.
“But the difference is that I wear sweatpants and you wear tight shorts.”
“I’m just less shy than you. I don’t mind if people can tell right away when I have an erection.”
“Guys, do you know why Simon hasn’t gotten his legs tattooed yet?” Erik asked, looking at the camera. “Because he thinks it’s unmanly to have to shave his legs first.”
One evening, after they had recorded a new episode, Erik asked, “Did you read the message from that long-haired guy?”
“Do we have any long-haired viewers?”
“Looks like it. This guy named Benjamin watched our episode about short hair, and he admits he’s been fantasizing about getting his hair cut short for a long time.”
Simon picked up one of Tony’s clippers. “If he wants to get a real man’s haircut, he should start by calling himself Ben, not Benjamin.”
“His fantasies run so wild that he longs to be publicly scalped.”
“So he wants to get his hair cut on our show?”
“Exactly. And I wouldn’t have any objections. A dude who walks around with a sissy mop deserves to have his hair chopped off in public.”
“Does he look hot, apart from his hair?”
“Apart from his shoulder-length mane, he looks great. Full beard, muscular, hairy.”
Simon laughed. “Then let’s invite him! I’ll ask Tony if he can stay a little longer to help Benjamin become Ben.”
“From what you’ve told me, Tony loves radical makeovers. Tell him it’s up to him to decide exactly what kind of haircut he’ll give our guest. The main thing is that it’s really short.”
“Tony will be thrilled. His favorite haircut is called barber’s choice.”
A week later. They had just finished putting up the set when Erik pointed toward the window at a man on the other side of the street. “That must be our Rapunzel!”
And sure enough, the man with the long reddish-blond hair and thick full beard crossed the street and approached the barbershop.
He was wearing a well-worn dark leather jacket, a form-fitting white T-shirt underneath, tight blue jeans, and black Doc Martens.
“He can keep his grunge clothes,” Simon said, “but to balance that out, he needs a neat haircut and a well-groomed beard.”
Tony leaned against the counter, grinning. “I’m ready to clean him up.”
The doorbell rang, and Benjamin walked in.
“Welcome to the short-haired men’s clubhouse!” Erik said.
“Hi, guys!” Benjamin greeted them, a little shyly.
“Make yourself at home,” Erik said. “In other words: Take off your jacket! We want to get a better look at your muscular body.”
A few minutes later. Benjamin was sitting in the barber’s chair, Tony was standing behind him with clippers in his hand, and Simon and Erik were standing to his left and right. And the camera was rolling.
“Tell us, why do you want to cut off your long hair?” Erik asked.
Benjamin took a deep breath before answering. “Well, it looks awful.”
“Of course it looks awful!” Erik said. “But why did you let your hair grow then?”
“I used to like long hair…”
“…but not anymore,” Simon finished the sentence.
Benjamin nodded. “I’ve felt like cutting my hair short for a long time, but I haven’t had the guts to do it yet.”
“But after watching our episode on short hair, you decided to finally take the plunge?” Simon asked.
“Actually, I didn’t really expect you to respond…”
Erik laughed. “Dude, we’ll take any chance we get to turn a shaggy princess into a badass prince!”
Simon gave Tony a nod. “It’s time to cape him.”
As Tony put the cape on Benjamin, Erik said to the camera, “Neither our guest nor Simon and I know what haircut Tony has in store.”
“All we know is that it’s going to be really short,” Simon added.
“And really short is exactly what you’re longing for, isn’t it?” Erik asked. “Not some overly safe Ivy League cut, but something way more rugged and masculine. Right, Benjamin? You want your hair cut so short that everyone automatically calls you Ben?”
“Yes,” Benjamin murmured.
“Could you speak a little louder?” Erik asked.
“Yes, I want to get my hair cut really short,” Benjamin said, his voice strained and beads of sweat on his forehead.
“Then let the transformation begin, Tony!” Simon said, and Tony let the clippers roar.
“False alarm,” Tony said with a grin, turning off the clippers. “I have to section your hair first.”
Instead of the clippers, Tony picked up a spray bottle filled with water and dampened Benjamin’s hair. Then Tony took a comb and combed all the hair back. Next, he parted the hair on top of the head from the hair at the back and on the sides, and secured the top section with a hair clip.
“If any of you viewers already have an idea what haircut our guest will get, write it in the comments,” Simon said.
Now was the time to really put the clippers to use. Tony selected a guard.
“That looks like a #3 or #4 to me,” Erik guessed. “Is Benjamin’s hair going to be less short than we thought?”
“Just wait and see,” Tony said. “I’m going to remove some bulk first.”
Tony parted the hair at the back of Benjamin’s neck and set the clippers to work. Then the clippers moved up Benjamin’s head, and the long hair began to fall to the floor.
Time and again, Tony placed the clippers against Benjamin’s neck and buzzed one section after another. What was left looked like a grown-out buzz cut.
Tony repeated the process on the sides, then he switched off the clippers.
“How are you feeling so far?” Simon asked Benjamin.
“What kind of pussy question is that?” Erik said. “This isn’t the makeover episode of America’s Next Top Model!”
Tony took off the guard. “Now we’re moving shorter.”
Tony put the clippers back to Benjamin’s neck and began trimming the hair at the back and sides even shorter, so short that only ultra-short stubble remained.
“If we stop now,” Erik said, “you could let your long hair fall down from the top of your head, and you’d look almost exactly the same as before. But you want to keep going, don’t you, Rapunzel?”
“Keep going!”
“If you want to become a real man, you have to learn to speak louder.”
“KEEP GOING!”
Tony released the long top hair. “I’m going to chop the hair down to a manageable length,” he said, picking up a pair of scissors. “Don’t worry that I’m not aiming for perfection in this step. It’s just about taking away bulk again.”
And then, with quick snips, Tony shortened the long hair to about 5 centimeters.
“Finally, we can see you, dude!” Simon said.
“When was the last time you properly saw your own face? When you were a kid?”
“Well, I’ve had long hair since I was 15…”
“But as you can see, the misdeeds of youth aren’t irreversible,” Erik said.
For the next step, Tony picked up the clippers again, without attaching a guard. “Now, at the very latest,” he said, “it will become clear what haircut I’m about to give.”
And then he shaved a strip across the top of Benjamin’s head that ended shortly before the hairline.
“A landing strip,” Simon said.
“Which means,” Erik said, “that our friend here is getting a horseshoe flat top.”
Tony kept the clippers in one hand and picked up a flat, long comb with the other. He combed Benjamin’s hair straight up at the front hairline and ran the clippers over the comb.
Then Tony moved the comb backwards, lifted the hair up again, and shaved off all the hair that was above the comb.
Bit by bit, Tony worked his way back. And when he was done, he said, “That was the first round.”
He placed the comb back at the front hairline and began cutting the remaining hair even shorter.
Benjamin watched Tony’s movements in the mirror. His expression simultaneously conveyed disbelief and fascination.
“I can’t quite believe that after wanting short hair for so long, it’s actually happening…”
“That’s the beauty of my profession,” Tony said, “with just clippers, scissors, and a comb, we barbers can make dreams come true. Even the most secret ones.”
Tony checked Benjamin’s head. “The top is now perfectly flat, like a table,” Tony noted. “Flat and very short. So short that there’s no point in trying to blow-dry it up. I’ll put a little gel in it at the end. That’s all the styling you’ll need.”
Next, Tony connected the top to the shaved sides. “I’m going to give you a short, sharp transition that underlines the square shape of the haircut,” Tony said as he worked his way around Benjamin’s head with clippers and various guards.
Then Tony spread shaving cream on Benjamin’s head, on the back and sides, and on his landing strip. “Time to get rid of that little stubble,” Tony said, “and give you a nice, smooth shave.”
He pulled out a straight razor and began scraping the foam off Benjamin’s head. And when there was no foam left to be seen, Tony repeated the procedure. Benjamin’s head was lathered with shaving cream again and shaved a second time.
“I want to make absolutely sure,” Tony said, “that your head is really nice and smooth.”
Finally, Tony rubbed some aftershave balm into Benjamin’s head and massaged a little gel into the horseshoe, and then the haircut was finished.
“But there’s still one more step to complete the look,” Tony said.
“What?” Benjamin asked, examining himself in the mirror.
“That scruffy beard doesn’t go with your new haircut,” Tony explained. “Your beard needs to be trimmed significantly and given a neatly groomed look.”
Tony fired the clippers up again and ran them over Benjamin’s cheeks and chin. The untamed beard, which was about 10 centimeters long, was transformed into a clean, short beard that was only 2 centimeters long at its longest points.
“Drumroll!” Tony then said, pulling the cape away. “Say hello to the new you, Ben, the much more masculine-looking successor to Benjamin.”
With one hand, Ben ran his fingers over his head, first over the short hair on the horseshoe, then over the landing strip, and on to the rest of his skull. With his other hand, he felt his beard. At the same time, he examined his new look in the mirror, and a smile spread across his face.
“You seem to like it,” Tony said.
“It’s much better than I imagined,” Ben replied. “For years, I’ve been worrying so much about whether I should dare to get a short haircut, whether short hair would suit me, what the people around me would say… And I’ve been so nervous these past few days. I was on the verge of canceling everything. But now I feel a kind of inner peace. Satisfied and happy.”
“Wow!” Simon said. “You hadn’t given the impression before that you could talk this much at once.”
Ben laughed. “That’s the influence of my new haircut. I feel like I’ve cleared a huge rock out of the way and can now achieve anything I want.”
“Sounds like a good closing line for today’s episode,” Erik said. “Get a short haircut and your self-confidence will get an incredible boost!”
Ben got up from the barber’s chair, put his leather jacket back on, and said goodbye with a firm buddy handshake. “Thanks, guys, you’ve made me a man!”
“Come back anytime to get a touch-up!” Tony said.
“I will. Starting today, you’ve got a new regular.”
As soon as the door closed behind Ben, Simon and Erik high-fived each other.
“That’s what I call a guys’ night!” Erik said.
“We should make this a regular thing,” Simon said. “Invite a long-haired hippie over and have Tony give him a decent haircut.”
Tony grinned. “Count me in! My clippers are always ready!”
