Be careful what you wish …. you might ….

It had been a while since I did any Tantric workshop, or had a Tantric massage. Initially I wanted to book a massage but the one-on-one workshop that this Tantrica offered got me intrigued. Her name was Daisy. And she really was a flower. An angelic young woman with a naughty smile. I had a heavenly massage from her about a year ago. She relocated and I was lucky to get an appointment.

After doing some meditation and making true contact. She placed a box beside us. A magic box. It contained little items to play a game that involved touch and more. The game was intimate, all about mutual consent and really connected us from the heart. It involved ‘Joker cards’ to either pass out on a request of the other or just the opposite, to fulfil a desire.

Time passes quickly when having fun. Daisy asked me if I had one last wish, where to be touched or how to be held.  Based on the confidence and respect that had grown between us these past two hours, I dared to ask her what was laying on my soul for so long now.

I asked her to stretch her naked body and come and lay straight on my body  as if I was surfboard …… and then cut a lock of my hair. Explaining to her, for me this was all about trust and letting go. That I never dared to ask someone until now.

Immediately I fell in my well known self-created trap, presenting her excuses not go along with my wish. That she ‘didn’t have to do, that I would understand …’

To my relief she said, okay. Let’s get us some shears. She was back in a minute, believe it or not with a huge pair of golden scissors.

She put them next to us and got into the position I asked. As she lay on me, she gave me look that melted me. Asking me if I wanted just a tiny cut like half an inch or ……

She gave the answer to her own question. ‘Well as this is a ritual, I guess a bit more.’  Slowly she began taking a few hairs between her fingers as if she was investigating. I am not a brave guy, so when she picked a lock between her fingers at the front of my head, I said ‘Maybe better pick a spot where it will not show.’  And so she did. With a huge smile and extremely slowly she made a cut. I could hear the sound the shears made when passing through my hair. I had no idea where exactly she was cutting now or how much. But as I had trust in her, I didn’t worry.

In the end it appeared she played it safe. She showed me a lock of about 4 inches long and barely a quarter of  an inch wide. This brought absolutely no harm to my present hairstyle, which touches my shoulders.

The day after I was wondering if to send her an e-mail and what to say. Just before opening my computer I received a short and fun like WhatsApp from her. I replied that I intended to send her an e-mail at this instant.

In the mail I thanked her for the wonderful afternoon and the safety she offered, that made me doing the request of the hair lock. I said this was surely a big step for me, asking what I want. Especially in this case. I thanked her for the small ritual and that I wouldn’t have minded if it had been a big ritual. Hoping this would be clear when she read this between the lines.

I joked that I didn’t dare to ask for a big one. ‘Anyway by that time I had used all my Joker Cards …’

I put the question ‘what now?’ Roll the dice like in the magic box game? 1 is Dare to ask 2 is Be careful what you ask you might get it  3 Let it be.

I conclude the mail with thanks (again) and that I hoped we would meet soon again. Pushed Send.

From that time I checked my mailbox even more than normally. No response.  I wondered if I had taken this too far, for her that is. I might have ruined the chance of us having a Tantric meeting again.

Days passed. Feeding my fear that I messed up.

PING

It was a WhatsApp from Daisy. No text, merely a picture of a Joker Card. I was relieved at first but got tensed about my next step. I decided not to communicate further but make a new appointment with her.

The next meeting. Before entering her practice room we had a cup of tea and some sweets. ‘So you wanna use that extra Joker today?’ I was affirmative but told her for me it was still about consenting, for the both of us. And contrary what is regular in the game when fulfilling a wish ‘Is this a present for you, or is this a present for me?’ In which case the intention to act differs. I would like this to be a present for both me and her.

‘Can’t promise until I know what you wish ….’ That figured so I tried to explain in not too many words. ‘I want a release from old energies, patterns, self-doubt, beliefs and connections that do not serve me any longer. As I had been growing my hair for the last five years, my hair absorbed with sickness, trauma and setback. I wish for a major external change to support my new intentions of which daring to fail and letting go are probably the most relevant ones. Surrendering, pure surrender. All off.

While I held my breath, there was a silence. ‘You revealing this to me is a present in itself. This means you actually want me to perform a real ritual haircut on you?’ I nodded yes.

‘So not just a somehow bigger lock than last time but a significant lot shorter? I feel honored you give me your trust, but keep in mind I am not a professional hairdresser.’

I replied ‘I know. Trust and what you give from your heart to this ritual is what counts. I am convinced you will calm me and do it in a loving way, take all afternoon if you want to. And afterwards comfort me.’

‘Okay, I will gladly comply if that’s what you really want. Are there any boundaries? Please tell me what is the maximum to cut off.’

‘I leave that to you. Like I just said – all off – but you know I am great in backing out. So don’t give me any opportunity for escape. Please confirm to me that it is alright to do this and make the first cut really count.’

‘Just checking, so there is no limit to how short …?’

‘That’s right. If you fall into doubt, just tell yourself even shorter would be better.’

Daisy grabbed my hand and led me to her practice room. ‘Please undress and put this loincloth on. I’ll be back in a minute.’

She returned with the magic box from our earlier game. She sat down and we meditated. The look she gave me went right into my soul. After ten minutes she moved closer to me, facing me and gently touching my tresses.

She held both of my hands firmly and said ‘You are doing the right thing but I need you to be sure. Once I start cutting there’s little or no way back.’

‘I trust you.’

She reached to the magic box, opened the lid and took at a pair of scissors. She moved even closer to me. Our bodies making contact.

‘You wanted the first cut to count, didn’t you …’ Daisy placed the scissors well above my right ear and slowly but without hesitation she closed the blades. A giant piece of hair fell on my shoulder and then my lap.

‘It’s a start. But as far as I am concerned that’s just what it is. I think you should really let go of it all.’

Daisy put down the scissors, gave me a sweet kiss on my cheek and got a pair of clippers from the magic box. I did not expect her to go that fast. She slowly removed the guard from the clippers and pushed her body tightly to mine.

‘Now tell me what is the opposite of NO or running away …. ‘

I whispered Yes.

‘Did you just say Yes?’

Yes.

Merely a fraction of a second I said Yes for the second time, she plunged the clippers where she had cut the big piece. Pushed it to the back. It felt cold. Inside I felt it burn.

‘So that was not that hard was it. I knew you could do it.’

At that moment there was truly no way back. With slow strokes, sometime taking a pause she shave  the sides and top of my head. Leaving not a single hair. To be able to reach my hair at the back, she moved herself a little backwards and asked me to bow for her. From the back of my neck, the clippers found their way upwards. Stroke after stroke, till there was nothing left to clip.

I could not help but shed a tear. Was I sorry that I let her do this or was I relieved? Maybe both.

Daisy finally held me in her arms and let me lay in her womb, softly caressing my bald head.

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