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“Hello, and welcome to another episode of Chaos Cash, I’m Kevin, or as you probably know me, TheChaosMan, and today, I’m going to be giving away some of my sponsors’ cash to lucky fans of the channel.”
“Today is a very special episode, because it’s my manager Mike’s 36th birthday and in his honor, we’re going to be giving away $36,000!”
The camera pans to Mike, a bald man with a beard wearing a suit, then back to Kevin.
“Now! Let’s get right to it and bring out today’s lucky fans!”
Six women descent from the stairs behind Kevin onto the set his team has assembled in a large, unused room of his mansion. All six of them are extremely attractive and have long hair. Kevin hands each of them a stack of cash. It’s prop money, the real money will be deposited after all the tax forms are signed, everyone knows this, but makes a spectacle of the exchange of cash nonetheless.
On the count of three, I want all of you to say what you’re going to do for that cash. One, two, three!
“SHAVE MY HEAD” The six of them shouted in unison.
“That’s right! We’re going to prove bald is beautiful. Each of these absolute tens has agreed to have their heads shaved, shiny and smooth just like Mike, for six thousand bucks. And this is today’s barber!”
A heavily tattooed man sporting a sharp fade with a design carved into the sides shakes Kevin’s hand. He takes the cover off a large object in the corner, revealing a full barber stall.
“Folks, we’ve got Felipe here, who you may know from his TikTok and Insta as the World’s fastest barber! We’re gonna see how fast he is!”
Now lets meet our guests today, We’ll start with you!
The first girl is half Japanese, with straight black hair down to her shoulders.
“I’m Helen, I’m a student and I’m from Irvine”
And what makes you want to shave your head today, Helen?
“Well, It’ll grow back, and college is expensive” She shrugged and flipped her hair, making an exaggerated sad face.
The next girl is shorter. She has dark brown hair with blonde highlights hanging just below her shoulders, and wears a tank top and short jean shorts.
Hey I know you! You were on this show before weren’t you
“Yep, that’s right! Ashli, 23, Los Angeles. You had me on about six months ago and I’m ready to take some more of that Chaos Cash!”
And do you want to show the folks what you got the cash for?
She turns around and lifts the back of her shirt to reveal a tattoo on her lower back of TheChaosMan’s logo. She’s had additional designs tattooed around it.
“Whoa! Still hard to believe I made it onto a tramp stamp! And that was your first tattoo if I remember correctly!”
“Yup”
Got plans for any more?
“Oh I already have three more”
Really? I don’t see any!
“Well, they’re not in places where just anyone can see them”
The only people to see all of Ashli’s other three tattoos were the tattoo artist, and her situationship, and her ex boyfriend that she drunk dialed one time in a moment of weakness, plus a couple estheticians and presumably most, if not all, of the 974 subscribers to her OnlyFans, a number she hoped to boost again after today.
Ooh! Can’t show that on YouTube!
He introduces the next girl. She has olive skin and thick black hair cascading to her shoulders, and wears a tight shirt and yoga pants that show off her curves. Her name is Marta.
“How do you think you’ll look bald?”
“I think I’ll rock it. Worst case I can buy a nice wig with some of the money”
Next is Hailey, a tall blonde 19 year old. She wears ripped jeans and a baggy T shirt and has her hair in pigtails, the right side is platinum blonde and the left side is black.
Did you ever think before we reached out to you that you’d be going completely bald?
“Uhh nope! But you made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
Next he introduces Layla, she has more of an alternative look, with tattoos on both arms, numerous facial piercings and her shoulder-length reddish brown hair in bangs.
And what about you, did you ever think you’d be bald?
“Actually, kinda yeah, it’s something I’d always thought I should do one time but never really got around to, so I figured, why not?”
Well there are certainly 6 thousand reasons why! And lets meet our last victim… I mean guest. Whoa! That is some long hair!
The last girl has light brown hair extending all the way down to her knees. It’s straight, shiny, and very well maintained.
She laughs “Yep, I’m Kristi, I’m 24 and I’ve been growing my hair out for the last 8 years”
Wow, 8 years, what made you want to make such a drastic change?
“Well, I grew it this long because I had a boyfriend who really liked long hair. I say ‘had’ because the day before your people messaged me, I caught him cheating on me, so I figured hey, guess I don’t need all of this anymore.”
“Wow! I’ve heard of all kinds of ways to get back at a cheating ex but that’s a new one!” he turned to the barber “Hey Felipe, ever shaved off hair this long?”
“Not yet”
“Not yet” He chuckled “So now that we’ve met today’s guests, I have a surprise for everyone, and I imagine it’s one that half of you will appreciate… Only three of you… will have to shave your heads. Everyone still gets the money, of course! But Felipe is only going to be shaving three of you bald. After all, they call me TheChaosMan, and lining you up to all get identical haircuts doesn’t sound very chaotic, does it? Instead, we’re going to have three different challenges. If you lose one… well… you all thought you’d be getting shaved anyway, so you’ve gotta do what you said you would. If you survive, you get to keep the money and your hair. Sound good?”
All the girls clap and display various degrees of relief at the newfound possibility that they wouldn’t be losing their hair after all.
“Great. For today’s first game… How many of you have heard of Russian Roulette? Relax! This version is a lot safer, but if you lose, your head is going to be a little lighter as a result. Some more than others.”
Two assistants carry out a table and place six clippers on it, in front of an array of product packaging from the sponsor.
“Here’s how it works. On this table, are six identical cordless clippers from out sponsors at Groom Box. Groom Box! With all kinds of subscription plans for men and women, stop paying too much for your hair care products. Get 25% off your first month with promo code CHAOS25! Each of these clippers are top of the line models, but unfortunately, five of them have dead batteries. One by one, each of you will pick one and get in the chair. If the battery is dead, your hair is safe. If not, well…”
The camera panned to a candid shot of Mike again.
“Now, who wants to sit in the chair first? Anyone? I’ll remind you that the odds are 1 in 6 no matter when you go.”
“Alright, I’ll go up” Marta came forward and sat in the chair. Felipe put a cape over her and pulled her hair through. he gathered her hair into a ponytail and secured it with a tie.
“And just so you know, all hair we shave off today will be donated to make wigs for kids with cancer. Pick a number, 1 to 6!”
“One!” She answered without hesitation.
“Didn’t think we’d put it in the first one? Well I don’t know which is which, so lets see.”
Felipe places the clippers at the front of her scalp. He clicks them on. Nothing happens. Marta takes off the cape and gets up, relieved.
Kristi volunteers to go next. The barber slowly secures the cape over her mountain of hair and carefully secures it in a ponytail. “Four!” she shouts, he picks up the 4th set of clippers.
“Well, this is it, might be the last time you have hair that long for at least 8 years… Felipe, flip the switch.”
Kristi takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and smiles. The switch clicks inertly. Kristi is confused at first, not sure whether it hasn’t started or it already over before the barber starts taking the cape off.
Ashli volunteers next. She chooses #6.
“I can’t look!” She closes her eyes and winces. Felipe flicks the switch.
BZZZZZZZZ!!!!
One it starts, he moves with lightning speed. There is no guard on the clippers. A choice, Kevin explains, that was made to maximize the length of hair that could be donated. Felipe pushes the clippers back and forth with surgical precision, cutting right at the scalp and only leaving a light but uniform layer of stubble, all while using the other hand to hold the ponytail until it all comes off in one piece. He isn’t done. Ashli still hadn’t opened her eyes yet , but she made expressive faces as he spreads lather over her scalp and scrapes it off with a straight razor, leaving behind perfectly smooth skin with quick, fluid strokes.
“You can open your eyes now!”
Ashli looks. She reaches through the cape and feels her smooth scalp.
“Oh my god! This is crazy! I’ve never had it shorter than my shoulders and now it’s all gone. Not bad though, I like it!”
Glad you’re not too bummed and hey! I guess it’s another place for a secret tattoo.
“Great minds think alike!” She smiled.
Ashli had already booked an appointment with her tattoo artist for two days from now. She did so under the assumption that she would be walking out of this studio bald today. For a minute, she had been dreading having to call and cancel, but now that it was out of the way, she wouldn’t have to reschedule. Normally, Ashli’s tattoo artist would have advised against scalp tattoos due to the pain, but Ashli was a regular at this point and after where she got the last one, she knew there was no talking Ashli out of it.
“One down, two to go! That first one was pure luck, and the five of you got lucky so far. This one will be a little bit more skill.”
A producer rolls out a cart with a button and a large timer.
“You’re each going to try to stop the timer at exactly 10 seconds! Whoever is the furthest away is going to lose her hair next! Now who wants to go first?”
Helen goes first. 10.47 seconds
“Do you think that was good?” The Chaos Man laughs as he asks her
“Uhh… I hope so” she replies nervously
Hailey goes next, she hits the button in 9.98 seconds
“ALMOST PERFECT! You’re safe for now!”
Hailey breathes a sigh of relief and steps back. Marta goes next and hits the button in 10.34 seconds. Layla hits the button in 9.81 seconds.
“Ohhh So close! And that means Helen is still waiting, you look a little nervous there”
“Yeah… one more chance” she smiles nervously.
“Kristi, you’re up last, and you’ve got the most on the line. Lets see how you do!”
The timer starts, she waits and she hits the button. 10.42.
“WOOOOWWWWW! Five hundredths of a second, IN-SANE!” Kevin screams, making faces that will go on the YouTube thumbnail. “Well Helen, looks like its time for you to… oh she already sat down in the chair.”
Helen has already sat down. She smiles and waves at the camera as the cape goes over her shoulders. Felipe grabs on to her hair and put the clippers to her scalp. Once again, he swiftly maneuvers the clippers back and forth with practiced precision. Within 30 seconds, every single hair on Helen’s head has been severed at the scalp. He hands what used to be Helen’s hair to a producer and spreads lather over her head. With his masterful strokes of the razor, he leaves behind a perfectly smooth scalp in a single pass. Finally he rubs some oil into her scalp to give it a smooth shine.
“AMAZING!” Kevin makes more shocked faces at the camera “You took her from long hair to cue ball in just under 2 MINUTES! …which I’ve been told by some of my exes is a long time!”
Helen feels her head for the first time. She recoils at the first touch, the feeling of her hand touching her bare scalp so foreign, then she slowly rubs it again.
“So Helen, how do you like your new do?”
“Well, uhh, it’s definitely different. At least I can try some fun short hairstyles while I grow it back”. She smiles at the camera, as she had been told to do by the producer.
“ALLLLLRIGHT! That means we’ve got one more! Shout out to all of you watching THECHAOSMAN live! We’re going to let them decide! We polled out live viewers… about who they’d like to see go next!”
The camera pans around the girls for their reactions. They all look at Kristi.
“Uh oh, Kristi, looks like everyone thinks it’s you! Well I don’t blame ’em since you’ve got more hair than everyone else combined. You think our live viewers are greedy?”
“Uh I don’t know, maybe not” She shrugged.
“Okay, I’m going to give you a choice!” He paused dramatically “You can let the viewers decide who gets in the chair, OR… you can choose to have whoever came in second place get in the chair instead. What’ll it be? You have FIVE SECONDS TO DECIDE!”
“Uhh… you know what, just give the people what they want, WHOOOO!” Kristi jumps up and down and cheers, twirling her hair in circles.
“Well there’s a little piece of info I… may have forgotten to tell you. This was the actual question we asked: ‘Who should only get half of her head shaved?”
Everyone thought about that for a couple seconds, then looked at Hailey, twirling her black pigtail around a finger. She clutched the blonde pigtail. “Aww sh… shoot!” She stopped herself just short of violating the no swearing policy.
“Well” Kevin laughed in a performatively maniacal way “It looks like you made the right choice, Kristi. You came in second. A DISTANT second. To Hailey! And in the spirit of chaos…”
Kevin pulled a large novelty coin out of his picket. On one side of the coin, heads, was a picture of his face. On the other side was a picture of his corgi, Roxie, from behind. Tails. Even Kevin would admit that Roxie was more of a fan favorite than him. Meanwhile, Felipe put the cape over Hailey’s shoulders.
“I’m going to flip a coin! Heads we shave the blonde side, tails we shave the black side!” He flips the coin onto the floor. “That’s Roxie! It’s tails!”
The clippers roar to life, with the barber carefully separating the blonde from the doomed black strands and erasing one side without touching the other. He tilts her head to the side as he lathers and shaves it, and then spreads oil over the bare half of her scalp. The skin is noticeably darker where the hair had been, residue from the black dye.
“Well that’s a hairstyle you don’t see every day!” Kevin laughs as Hailey looks in the mirror and feels the aftermath of what happened to one half of her head. “It’s ok Hailey, you’re going to be all right. We only shaved the left side”
The camera cuts to the sound guy, rolling his eyes as he presses a button that makes a “womp” noise
“I’m sorry” Kevin chuckles. He turns to Hailey “Think you’re going to keep it like that?”
“Hehe… probably not.” She tried her hardest to smile, knowing how ridiculous she looks.
Kevin gives another shout out to the sponsors and they went to a quick break. Thinking their segment was over, Hailey asks the barber if he could go ahead and finish the job, but a producer steps in. “Not yet.” She argues with him but he informs her that the segment is not over yet. Instead, the guests are each handed an iPad with a privacy screen and told to stand in a semicircle with Kristi on one end and Ashli on the other. After a 2 and a half minute ad break, they start filming again.
“And we’re back! Big thanks to our guests, who we’ve got lined up in order of most to least hair! We’ve already given them each six thousand bucks, but we’ve got another CASH SURPRISE! That’s right! Our sponsors, Groom Box, have agreed to throw in another TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! They’re going to give one of you a deal to produce sponsored content. You’ll agree to make one post a month where you use their wide range of products to keep your dome shiny and smooth. How many months? Well, that’s up to you! I want each of you to write a number down on your tablets, NO PEEKING! and whoever writes the highest number gets the deal for that many months. Those of you who still have your hair can put in a bid too, and I’ll even let you use my studio to make your first sponsored content!”
The guests shield their tablets as they consider what number to bid. Kevin starts to count down from 10, knowing how long his viewers’ attention spans are.
“Lets see what you wrote!”
He starts with the bald girls on the right. Ashli wrote down a 4.
“Okay, 4 months, not bad. I guess the bald look is growing on you…ooh bad choice of words!”
Next is Helen. 6.
“Whoa, 6 months! I guess you’ll have to wait to grow out those cool short hairstyles”
“That’s fine, if I’m 10 grand richer when I do!”
Hailey shows her tablet now. 3.
“Guess you really want to keep that half bald look” he jeered her, knowing how badly Hailey wanted the rest of her hair gone.
“And now Marta… 0!”
“I got the money and I got to keep my hair, I think I’m good” she reasons
“And Layla, you said… 1! Well that’s not enough either, but you would have shaved your head if everyone else said 0?”
“Well sure, I would have, but I don’t like to make commitments, plus, like she said, I already got the money and I got to keep my hair.”
“I’m beginning to sense a pattern here” Kevin comments “Now lets see if Kristi wanted to play it safe with her hair and…”
Kristi turns the tablet around. 13. The number 12 has been crossed out.
“THIRTEEN! And it looks like you said 12 but changed your mind. You know this is months right, not days”
“Oh I know, I just thought, since 12 months is 1 year, that’s what other people would say, so I changed it to 13”
“It is not what other people said. Looks like ya played yourself!” He taunted “Coulda picked 7 and still won, or 0 and kept all that hair”
Kristi’s smile is the most genuine in the history of the program. Before they started filming, her ex boyfriend was still begging her to take him back. Same bullshit as before about how he promised it would never happen again, he’s a changed man, that girl didn’t mean anything to him. Same shit he said last time he cheated. Kristi had put her phone in airplane mode so she wouldn’t have to hear it anymore. She hadn’t told him where she was or what she was doing, but it brought immense joy to imagine that someone had told Brayden she was on Chaos Man Live. She had been disappointed when she learned that only half the guests would have their heads shaved. To put a cape over her and then place clippers to her forehead had been such a tease, when the clippers failed to go off. When the six clippers were laid out, Kristi had thought they would put the live clippers in the middle and not on the end. Then there was the button. She tried to hit it at 10.6, so she’d lose but it wouldn’t be too obvious, but her reflexes were too fast to be that slow and she hit the button too early, not only saving her hair but dooming that poor girl to baldness. That last segment, with the poll, it seemed like it had been set up to guarantee she’d be relieved of her burden, but it was a stupid gimmicky trick question and she made the right choice on accident.
He must know by now, Kristi thinks. Someone must have told him. He must have watched each bit and felt a sense of relief. The girl who had been growing her hair out for him since high school, because she knew it would make her more beautiful for him. She put up with all that maintenance for him. Now she was going to tell him they were through in a language he might understand.
END STREAM
“Umm… ma’am”
A young assistant handed Kristi a clipboard. “Your contract, if you want to take a few minutes to review it”
“Oh I hope I’m not holding up the live stream” Kristi apologized.
“Oh no the live stream is over.” The assistant explained. “The Chaos Man is filming another segment in studio 3, then he has to fly to San Francisco. The rest of this will be put on the channel as bonus content, and of course Groom Box will use clips from this in their social media content.”
“So it’s not live?”
Kristi was again disappointed. That loser wouldn’t get to watch his beloved hair get shaved away. It felt like it belonged to him anyway. She’d had enough long hair for a lifetime. As Kristi sat in the chair, an assistant styled her 52 inches of hair into one braid. Satisfied with the terms of the contract, Kristi signed.
“Alright, lets do this”
Kristi opened a box, making sure to hold all the labels out. It contained a set of clippers and attachments, a foil shaver and a bottle of aftershave oil. Next to the cameras, mirrors had been set up so she could see what she was doing. The contract stipulated that she must do all hair cutting and shaving herself, including the initial haircut.
Smiling into the cameras, Kristi attached a 1/4″ guard to the clippers and turned them on. She initially placed them at her temple, then moved them to the center of her forehead. She pushed them back with a sense of awe. Though it had been more difficult to get through the hair than she’d imagined, it had made the first pass and there was no going back. She kept making passes with the clippers. Not nearly as adeptly as a professional barber, in fact the producers had to stop filming to show her how to grip the clippers properly, lest they overheat, but she got the job done. A shiver ran down Kristi’s spine as the last strand that held the gargantuan braid to her head was cut, and it fell to the floor.
She wasn’t done, though. Now she took the smallest attachment and put them on the clippers, finding it much easier to maneuver them through the short field of stubble. Then she read about the foil shaver from a cue card and got to work ridding her head of what small remnants of her glorious mane still clung to it. 45 minutes must have passed before Kristi was finally satisfied that she had obliterated every single strand of hair down to the very bottom. There was no reason to rush. Every minute it took her to make herself bald was another minute that asshole would have to sit there wondering if she really did it. The aftershave stung, but made her head shine.
The cameras cut and Kristi got up. The producer asked Kristi to pose for a picture holding her severed hair like a trophy. It was almost as long as she was tall. She asked if one of them could get the picture on her phone and she obliged. The phone had been in airplane mode since before the show began. She switched airplane mode off and it buzzed over and over again. 27 missed texts from Brayden. They kept coming.
BABY PLZ NO
YOU DONT HAVE TO DO IT LETS TALK
PLZ DONT DO IT UR HAIR IS 2 BEAUTIFUL
She texted him back the most recent picture of her, bald and holding up the hair that used to hang from her head like it was a fish she just caught, then put the phone back into airplane mode.
“Umm… excuse me” It was Hailey, still half bald, half blonde. “They said that world’s fastest barber guy could get the rest of my hair when we were done, has anyone seen him?”
“Oh sorry” the producer replied non-chalantly “He already left, but there is actually a great barber shop just down the street from here, it’s like a 5 minute walk”
Hailey was annoyed by this.
“If you don’t mind” Kristi interjected “I could use a little more practice shaving heads, even if it’s only half of one”
