John
“Daniel, Joseph, get down here right now!” Janet called to her two boys.
“Coming mom,” the eight and ten year olds replied in unison. A minute later, two boys with thick mops of overgrown blonde hair made their way down the stairs.
Karen was 34, but she didn’t look it. At barely five feet tall, with a slim build, she was often mistaken for a kid. It didn’t help that she almost never wore any makeup, besides special occasions. She walked out to the garage in sneakers, a pair of Joseph’s gym shorts, and an old T shirt. She threw a baseball cap over her messy, shoulder length, sandy blonde hair.
Janet settled into the driver’s seat of the SUV and looked in the rear view mirror at her sons.
“It’s hot as balls out here.” Joseph complained.
“Hot as BALLS,” the younger brother repeated, laughing.
“Don’t talk like that. It’s crude.” Janet said. “And you’ll be a lot cooler soon. Summer time is here so you’re both getting summer cuts.”
“Aww mom!” Joseph whined. “You know I wanted to keep the mullet! Please?”
“No, sorry, it’s coming off. We’re going on a trip tomorrow for a month, and I don’t want you worrying about your hair in the camper. Besides, we’re doing lots of hiking. This will be more comfortable.”
“Why do you get to keep yours then mom?” Daniel asked.
“Because I’m a girl. I’m also your mom, and your father and I make the rules.” Janet said with some authority.
The silver Yukon Denali pulled into the parking lot and parked next to the spinning barber pole.
“You boys go in. Make sure they know it’s a zero buzz for both of you. I’ll be in after I make a quick phone call.”
The boys walked inside. There were three barber chairs and a few waiting room chairs. The place was empty besides the barber.
“Can I help you?” The barber asked. “I’m stepping out for a smoke break. I’ll be back in five minutes. Is it just the two of you?”
Joseph thought for a moment, and a sly grin grew across his face.
“Yeah, me and my two brothers are here for buzzcuts. Zero guard. Mom wants us bald because we go on a long vacation with lots of hiking tomorrow.”
“Alright then.” The barber looked at the chairs. “The three of you sit up there and I’ll just buzz you one by one when I get back.”
“Yes sir!” Joseph said with a salute, and the barber walked out the back door of the shop.
Joseph and Daniel hopped up into two of the seats, leaving the middle one empty. Then Janet walked in the door.
“Mom, come sit up here with us!” Daniel said with a smile. Janet plopped herself in the middle seat and took her hat off.
The barber returned from his smoke break and started buzzing away at Daniel, no cape, no paper strip, no talking. That’s part of why the kids cut was so cheap. Only four bucks. Boys could just hose off when they got home, or something. The classic Osters with their 0000 blade whined as they peeled the boy’s blonde hair to the skin.
Three chairs, three boys, just as he and Joseph had discussed before his smoke break. Time to finish these fast and go home. The barber barely glanced at Janet, who was focused down at het phone, as he finished Daniel’s cut, clippers still roaring.
“Must be the pretty boy of the lot,” he thought, seeing the shoulder length messy hair that looked like it had a hat on it minutes earlier. In one motion, without hesitation, without turning the clippers off, he made his last pass on Daniel’s head, turned to Janet, and plowed the clippers through her hair, starting at her forehead.
Janet was in shock, frozen. Searing hot balding clippers made one pass, then two, then three, over the top of her head, bringing her hair to a practically invisible length.
“What the hell are you doing?” Janet raged, her blood boiling. “Why the hell are you shaving my head?”
The barber kept going. Fourth pass, fifth pass, sixth pass. He switched to an underhand grip and worked his way from Janet’s neck up over her crown. “Your parents wanted zero buzzcuts. This will be easier for your vacation. That’s what the older one said.” He motioned to Joseph.
Janet turned to Joseph, her voice shaking with anger as the barber efficiently finished balding the left side of her head. “I AM the parents. I am this boy’s mother!”
The clippers went silent. The barber suddenly realized the mistake… no, not a mistake. A cruel trick.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but the boys came in and told me it would be three of you sitting here for buzzcuts when I got back. With the clothes and messy hair, I di-”
“Just finish it.” Janet said, coldly. “And make sure it’s nice and even, not a quick kids cut.”
The barber started the clippers back up. He took his time, making sure not a single hair was left uncut.
Janet relaxed in the seat. She stared at herself in the mirror, and was shocked to realize that she liked what she was seeing. She liked how the clippers felt. She liked… the way they made her feel.
The barber finished with Joseph. “I’m sorry again ma’am. The cuts are all free today.”
“No, it’s not your fault.” Janet said, handing him a $20 bill. “Thank you.”
The three walked to the parking lot in silence. Janet put her sunglasses on and ran a hand over her newly bald head, trembling slightly.
“Mom, are we in trouble?” Daniel asked.
“No, boys, not with me. Your father might think differently, though.”
Really great story. A couple of thoughts. After Janet sits in the chair, she says, I’ve never sat in a barber’s chair before. Foreshadowing her soon to be unexpected shearing.
When done, she is really pissed off and says, This will teach you a lesson. I want it skinned down to the wood take it all off. Her son said no mom. She says, I want cue balls, no exceptions. The barber says are you sure. Janet says yes absolutely. The scene repeats with the barber again doing the first boys, this time skin tight and peeling the boy down to the wood. And again turning to their mother with the clippers still running repeating the process starting at her forehead. Janet says oh my god not again. The barber repeats her words, you said no exceptions. The barber, the boys and even Janet all laughed.
Nice story! There is nothing like an unexpected summer shearing.
Has she never had her hair cut professionally at all?…otherwise the “I’ve never sat in a barber’s chair” would be nonsense.
And does “zero buzz” mean the same as the “0000” you say he actually used?