No thanks, I’ve made up my mind. Part 2

This is part two to No thanks, I’ve made up my mind.  Hope you enjoy, feel free to leave feedback.

I was sitting on the porch in the morning in early Summer drinking coffee after having worked in the garden. It was the first day of a two week vacation. I was looking at the garden and browsing the photos I had taken on my phone. I got to our last vacation and started to zone out and just reminisce about the time since coming back with buzzed hair. Knowing how many women had asked about, I started thinking I could make a post about it, and thought back to various moments of the last few months:

Week 1

Coming back from vacation had been a rough transition. Of course we were a bit sleep deprived from the travel. I already missed the sun. We had kept some of our habits from the vacation which had made things more bearable. We still ate plenty of tacos, we’d usually make them while dancing to music and drinking margaritas. We spent a bit more time reading books than watching TV.

But, most of all, I missed the heat. That’s the one thing I didn’t account for when I buzzed my hair. Coming back at the end of Winter we still had very cold mornings and I could literally feel the cold wind on my scalp. The one redeeming factor was that I didn’t have to worry about messing up my hair by wearing a hat. I bought a few more tuques to have variety and match with my outfits. I also didn’t mind wearing a hat indoors if it was particularly cold.

I wasn’t looking forward to going back to work. There were some projects I knew had kept going while I was out and I’d probably need to step in. I also didn’t want to make a scene because of my hair, I’m kind of a private person.

I didn’t feel like dealing with bullshit that day so I chose my favorite pantsuit with high waisted oversized pants. It felt a bit stark with my hair. But I didn’t let down. I remembered these ups and downs from when I had a pixie. By the time I was done with my makeup, maybe a bit more than usual, and had put on large earrings and a necklace, the outfit worked better than it ever had!

When I walked in, Cattie and Madelaine, my work besties were waiting for me to show up.

“OMG, look at you!”

“We had seen your IG stories, but it’s something else to see you in real life!”

I was clearly blushing by then. “Aw thanks girls! I wasn’t sure what to expect coming in” I proceeded to turn to show them and ran my hand through my hair.

“I have to say, you’re not just brave for doing it. This is working for you!”

I had a few more people stop and comment on my way to my desk. Luckily by 10AM we were back to business as usual. After the initial shock people didn’t seem bothered. I must have been feeling my no bullshit vibe because things went more smoothly than expected.

Week 2

Time flew by as we both got back in the swing of things. A week passed. We thought we had seen the end of Winter a few times but we still had a few decent snowfalls. At least the days were getting longer and we could enjoy some short hikes followed by hot cocoa after work. We had been spending a lot of time bundled up inside. I loved cuddling up to Henry and having him pet my head. I could feel the warmth of his hand against the softness of my hair. It was so comforting and relaxing and also like sharing a little secret between us.

The next set of pictures on my phone was from a girls night out. The first one since coming back from vacation. I was looking forward to catching up with the girls. But as I started to get dressed I was a bit apprehensive. I chose a black long sleeve halter top, layered it with a cute but edgy denim jacket. I did my standard makeup and looked in the mirror. It was working, but I’m not sure it was feeling like me, at least not today. I didn’t want this night to be about me, I didn’t want it to be about my silly hair. This was one of these times I was second guessing the buzz. I told myself it had just been a “vacation vibe,” a temporary souvenir. Part of me wished my hair was at least a little pixie cut so I could style a bit and blend in the crowd. Henry just happened to walk by the washroom at that time, not realizing my distress. He stopped and gave me a good look before winking at me and saying: “Wow, dressed to kill for your night out!”. He gave me a quick hug and kiss and went on his way. It was unprompted but made me feel better.

I guess that’s what I learned about this hair. I was worried it would make me look masculine. But it doesn’t really. It highlights my features and the round shape of my head. None of that is really masculine. Sure, some days I feel like being extra girly, pink has been making a comeback for me. But what it actually is, is bold. Even on days you don’t want to shine, people will notice you. In some ways, matching that energy has usually made me more confident. I was a bit hesitant tonight, but Henry had given just the boost I needed. Anyhow, it’s not like it was going to grow out in the next hour! I took the eyeliner out again and did something I hadn’t done in at least 10 years. I extended the top eyeliner into a fun winged, cat eye look. I applied bolder, redder lipstick and took a step back.

“There she is!” I told myself. Who said this look wasn’t versatile? Cool but professional corporate girl by day, stunning indie chick by night!

We met up at a fun new cocktail bar. I was the last one to arrive.

As expected, the girls reacted in a bit of a frenzy. I was fine with my friends’ reaction, it showed they cared about me, but I just didn’t need them to alert the entire bar!

Once the gasps had subsided, Sarah was clearly giddy and asked me if she could touch. She let out a low groan of envy. “Oh! It’s like expensive suede. I’m so jealous. I spend thirty minutes a day on my hair and you just step out of the shower looking this good!”

I surprised myself with a fun quip: “Sarah, you wouldn’t believe, I haven’t had a bad hair day in weeks!” jokingly rubbing it in.

Taylor looked excited and had to chime in. “Ok, but practicality aside, you’re giving like cool girl in a music video vibes!”

They all took turns rubbing my head, their faces lit with a mix of awe and a “wish-I-could” spark. I became the “brave one”. From then on, when I would feel insecure, I would remember the way my friends looked at me: like a woman who had finally stopped asking for permission. At some point one of the girls asked me what was Henry’s reaction.“Oh, he’s been loving it! He actually finished the cut for me.” I could feel my face flush red as I was leaving the spicy details out. “You wouldn’t believe how good it feels when he runs his hands through it” I said, giving them at least a teaser as I rubbed my nape.

Before moving on to other topics, like Jenny’s new fling, the girls had wanted a selfie with me front and center.

Week 3

Looking back, I only have one selfie from the most important day of this journey.

It was a pretty slow Sunday. Henry and I strolled the flea market, hung out in a cafe, and walked around town. We then made our way to my parents for dinner. My mother knew about my hair, she had seen pictures from the vacation. I knew she disapproved. She was quite traditional. Instead of living her own life, she had always played it safe, never rocked the boat. Sort of a way to validate her bitterness towards those that played according to their own rules.

My father seemed happy to see us and looking forward to hear about our vacation. He gave me a quick rub and pat on the head with a chuckle.

My mother on the other hand looked like she was trying to contain herself. “Well, at least it’s grown a bit since the pictures you had sent. Looks like you can almost start styling it.”

The conversation had moved on but she was in my head. I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep this hair, but I was enjoying it for it was right now. She seemed obsessed with how quickly I could go back to being her pretty little girl. She made me feel small, she made me feel like I wasn’t feminine.

The conversation went on, they had a fire going in the living room. We played some card games.

At some point, mom started to gather us to go eat.

“We’re having salmon for dinner. Plenty of Omega-3. Should help Chelsea’s hair get to at least a respectably feminine length soon enough. I really don’t know what you were thinking honey. I can’t imagine Henry likes this over the cute bob you had.”

It was a rhetorical question, but Henry piped up:

“No, I don’t like it.” Then turning to me, flashing me a warm smile and talking to me like I was the only person in the room. “Because I absolutely love this bold new version of my wife. She has always looked great, but she is stunning with a shaved head.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

My father, trying to change the mood: “Well not that anybody asked me. But I think you look pretty cool, sweetie. Glad you’re trying things, besides hair grows back. Anyhow, dinner is ready!”

The closest thing from an apology I could get from my mother was her not pursuing the matter further and lowering her gaze.

The rest of the evening carried on and things cooled down. Still felt like my mom was disappointed. Though she did give it a little pat on the head as we were leaving. So who knows, maybe she was coming around.

On the drive back I was proud of myself because I truly didn’t care if she came around to it or not. I had been through it with her when I got pierced, tattooed or dyed my hair. This time, I didn’t care. If anything, I felt empowered and validated. I had done it because I wanted to, simple as that. If anything, I don’t think she truly misses the hair, she’s missing the version of me that played it safe like she did. It felt comforting to have Henry stand up for me. In a way he was also standing up for himself because I knew this was truly how he felt.

I dropped Henry home, but went back out to run some errands and to clear my mind. Last stop was the pharmacy to get a prescription renewed. It was taking a while so I started walking around. I absent mindedly ended up in the hair care aisle. I started looking at the hair gels and pastes. Soon enough, I would need some. I saw another woman further down the aisle. Kind of looking annoyed as she was comparing different products.

She took a pause from looking at the products in her hand and I could feel her looking at me, likely my hair. I’m used to it at this point. Then she tells me:

“I have to say, your hair really suits you. I wish I had the courage to just buzz like you, I just don’t think I have the face for it. You just look so effortlessly put together.”

I felt the familiar heat in my cheeks. “I don’t know what came over me when I did it. It just felt like the right thing to do so I did it! Really glad I did. I didn’t think I’d have the face for it… But now I think it’s just something beauty magazines say to gatekeep and put other women down.”

“I see you’re looking at styling products, are you growing it out?”

I’m not sure what had come over me, but without thinking I just blurted:

“Oh no, I think this is going to be me for a little while. I’m due for a refresh cut actually.”

Seeing the conversation was coming to a close she politely replied:

“Well, thanks for talking me through this. I guess my decision is a bit harder than picking between two conditioners now.” Half talking to herself as I was walking away “I’m so over dealing with this mess…”

I sat back in the waiting area. I started to replay that interaction. I really did say that I was keeping it buzzed!

I’m not sure what had come over me, but by trying to nudge her into giving it a try I was validating it for myself at the same time. What was it with me making these decisions in pharmacies?

I had purposely given myself time to think through what I wanted to do next with my hair. I had all these thoughts, pros and cons coming to mind. But that conversation had given me clarity. I was actually starting to rock this look. This actually felt like me.

To make that decision mean something, I texted Henry:

“Hey, want to do my hair tonight? For the time being, I’m a buzzcut girl.”

I probably had a mischievous grin on my face. No need to go into detail by text. Actually, keeping it short probably drove him mad.

His response came in mere seconds later:

“Sure, I’ll get things setup ;)”

My prescription was finally ready. On the drive home. Of course I had a feeling of excitement and anticipation. But unlike the first time that felt like acting on impulse, this actually felt right.

I finally got home. Dropped my things. Lights were dimmed, soft music was playing. I heard Henry saying “in here” coming from the bathroom.

I made my way to the bathroom. Henry had set up a few candles.

Henry trying to look casual:

“So I heard I have a special customer looking to refresh her buzzcut?”

– “Well, I’ve been thinking about it a million ways. But ultimately, right now, this feels like me, this feels good.”

I responded, running my hand through my hair and making my way towards him.

He had prepared two glasses of wine and handed me one. He had set a chair in the bathroom facing the mirror and had the clippers laid out.

I was turning to get seated in the chair when he embraced me from behind. Speaking softly he said:

“You might want to remove some of this so it doesn’t end up full of hair”. Pointing to clothes.

“Good point, think you could help me with that?” I responded cheekily.

He slowly removed my shirt. I took off my socks and pants. I turned around to him and said “We should take care of you as well.” I removed his shirt and belt buckle. We were both stripped down to our underwear.

I finally sat on the chair, feeling its icy bite against my bare skin. Taking a chance to settle down and take it in. Unlike the first time where it felt like my world was spinning around me, this felt right, this felt familiar. I was in my bathroom, in my cozy little house next to my man. I looked at my reflection in the mirror in front of me, ran my hand through my hair. It had grown quite a bit in the last month, it was looking bushy and had started to require styling. “Let’s do this” I quietly said, mostly to myself.

I turned to look up at him. He had initially looked kind of nervous, I know how much this means to him. Seeing me relax had probably made him relax as well. He now looked eager and playful.

“Same as last time please.” I proudly proclaimed.

“You’ve got it. #2 all round and fading the bottom a little bit.”

He turned around, snapped a guard on the clippers. He stood by my side, we were looking at each other through the mirror. We each took a sip of wine. I gave him the slightest nod to get started. He flicked the clippers on and put his large warm hand on my shoulder.

The clippers met my left temple, a pleasant shiver raced down my spine from the contact as he slowly pushed them up to my crown. Strip after strip, he slowly made his way towards the back.I was taking it all in this time, actually enjoying the feeling of the clippers vibrating against my scalp. Like a vigorous, yet slightly tingly massage. Unlike the long strands that were coming off last time, the clipper was like a little snowplow leaving behind a clean strip while small tufts of hair were tumbling down my head to the floor.

Soon enough he was standing behind. He moved his hand to the top of my head. He softly nudged it downward. My chin towards my chest. It didn’t feel controlling like at a hairdresser, it felt like he was taking care of me in an incredibly intimate way. He was getting into his rhythm, we started chatting about the plans we had for the weekend. The restaurant we were looking forward to tomorrow. How it felt like the right time to finally wear the fun colorful jumpsuit I had bought in the fall. In no time he had made his way around the back and was just finishing my right temple.

We paused for a minute. Took a sip of wine. He gave me a kiss. I leaned in for a second one. He moved behind. The focus was back on the hair. “At least you’re starting to look less like a hedgehog!” he said jokingly. The contrast between the buzzed sides and the natural top was more than I expected. It was crazy to see how much my hair had grown even though the top was right around 3/4in long. He had faded the sides with the top. I commented: “It looks like one of those cute cropped pixies”. I was turning my head from side to side to admire it. Gently trying to style what length I had on top. The sides were looking neat with little pieces of my scalp peaking through. What I was initially worried would look masculine but was actually what gave a buzzcut its fun edge.

“I can maybe give you that haircut some other day. But, you said it yourself. For now, you’re a buzzcut girl.” He turned the clippers back on. We both laughed. He put his free hand against my now neat nape and just ran the clippers through the middle. I made a silly face to compliment the half finished look and we laughed harder. The clippers were slowly making their way through the rest of my hair on top.

I’m not sure what I was expecting but this was fun. This was us. And as I was seeing my buzzcut coming back into shape, this felt like me. At that moment, everything was feeling right. With all the ups and downs of the last month, I realized what mattered was that I was doing things on my terms. While I knew that for Henry this wasn’t just hair. There was something incredibly caring, tender and intimate about him. There had always been something intimate when Henry would give me a back massage or leave me an “I love you” note. But there’s a special complicity when your man shaves your head.

Soon enough, he had finished the top. He ran his hand through my hair, checking his work. I didn’t realize how much I had missed that soft, sexy and electric feeling.

Another sip of wine. Another kiss. The conversation kept flowing as we talked about our plans for the summer and how I was looking forward to a summer with a buzzed head. He quickly went over everywhere to make sure he hadn’t missed anything.

“Almost there, I’ll just taper the bottom so it doesn’t make a harsh line where I shave the baby nape hair.”

He popped a smaller guard and concentrated as he got going again. I remember liking how he had finished the nape the first time, felt delicate and feminine. Soon enough he was finished and put the clippers back on the counter.I took a second to take it in. He had only cut about a 1/2in of hair. But it made all the difference. It was no longer fluffy. It was neat, edgy, honestly kind of sexy and most of all it felt right.

I stood up, shaking some hair off me, I ran my hand through my hair, beaming a proud smile at him. “I think you did a good job. What do you think?”

“Yeah I think I did alright.” He paused for a second and sheepishly proceeded, “We both know I have a thing for short hair…” Slowly gaining confidence in his voice “But you genuinely do look amazing like this. It’s not just that it suits you, there’s something intoxicating in that it has made you into this bold woman that chooses to rock it.”

I got up on my tip toes, wrapped my arms around him, looked into his eyes and kissed him. He kissed me back and it turned into something more passionate. We paused for a second, took another sip of wine and decided it would be best to take a shower before proceeding further.

I turned the shower on while Henry took care of cleaning up. I went in the shower first as I was covered in hair. He joined me and we started kissing as we were cleaning off the hair from our bodies, teasing each other. He grabbed me by the waist with one arm and held me close, his other hand behind my neck. As he kissed me, he leaned forward and put my head in the stream of water. He moved his hand from the base of my neck to the top of my head. I don’t know how I had forgotten how great the shower felt on a buzzed head as I had this electric feeling coursing from my head to my feet. He moved his other hand from my waist to between my thighs and started caressing me there as well. We continued teasing each other for a while: small taps here and there, kisses in all the right places, including my neck of course. Clearly the emotions of the evening had put both of us in a mood but we were enjoying the moment and not rushing. Taking time to lather each other up with soap and using the washing as a great pretext to touch every inch of each other’s body.

I felt sexy, I felt wanted. He had clearly been enjoying his evening and was rock hard. I’m not usually one for dirty talk, but I felt empowered. “Allright, my gorgeous weirdo, why don’t you take on your freshly buzzed girl?” I teased him as I gave it a playful tap.

I leaned against the wall of the shower and had him take me from behind. He had one hand massaging me between my thighs and the other, of course, was on my head. He felt amazing as he was deeper and deeper in me. Really, everything felt amazing. The warm stream of water hitting my head and trickling down my body along with Henry’s gentle touch was soon overwhelming. We both came loudly as we were drowned out by the sound of the shower.

As we were finishing up, we silently held each under the stream of water. Just enjoying the moment.

I took a good look at myself as I was toweling myself dry in front of the mirror. Unlike the first time where this had come as a shock, I was glad to come back to this look. I passed the towel over my head and of course it was already dry. I grinned back at myself in a daze, proud of being bold, happy not to have to deal with drying and styling my hair, and had a little chuckle wondering if the woman at the pharmacy had gone through with it. I took a quick selfie to remember the moment.

Back to Present

Since then, spring had come and gone and we were in a hot and humid summer. I hardly notice the attention from strangers anymore, I think they’re just jealous I can handle the heat right now. The questions from friends and family have stopped.I still catch myself looking in the mirror, rubbing my head and just feeling proud, somehow mischievous and frankly, kind of hot.

Every two weeks, the clippers come out and Henry cleans me up. It’s happened all kinds of ways. Slow and intimate like this second time. A few times have been sexy, hot and kinky. But most often, it is just caring and tender. We’ve also had it purely utilitarian with Henry giving me a quick 10 minute buzz outside in the yard before going out for a concert.  It always feels like an intimate bond between us that no one will understand. I know it’s not just hair to Henry. But this has somehow made it more clear that he’s in love with all of me, not just my hair.

With this two week vacation starting, I’m feeling a bit adventurous. It could be a fun time to try something new. At worst, whatever I try would have time to grow back out! Maybe bleach it blonde. Pastel pink could be fun as well. No need to worry about damage with hair this short! I’ve been curious to try a shorter guard, maybe starting with #1.5 and seeing if #1 could work for the summer. Maybe that could be a fun ending to that IG post!