Sister Knows Best

Amanda had always worn her hair long, swinging free to the middle of her back, until her younger sister Caitlyn began cosmetology school. One night, when Amanda was a junior in college, she sat herself on a stool in their family kitchen with a white towel draped around her shoulders so her sister could practice her homework. While Amanda’s usual inch trim was what she asked for, Caitlyn had other ideas.

“You know, you hair is way too thick to be this long. It drags your face down,” Caitlyn told her sister.

“I think it’s cute!” Amanda replied. “Plus, I’ve always worn it this way. I like my long hair.”

“Who’s going to school for this? You always go on about the importance of education. Leave decisions like this to the professionals.”

Before Amanda could reply to her sister, Caitlyn picked up her scissors and cut a huge chunk of Amanda’s hair off right at her chin. “See?” Caitlin asked, dropping fourteen inches dark brown hair on her sister’s lap and watching it spill to the floor. “You look better already!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Amanda screamed at her sister, tears of rage and sadness mingling at the corners of her eyes as she jumped off the stool and reached up to her severed tresses – her alarm growing the further she had to reach to find her hair.

“You volunteered for my homework and I’ve already cut this off,” Caitlyn said gesturing to the small pile of long hair already strewn on the floor. “So there’s really nothing left for you to do but trust me.”

Fuming, Amanda sat back down. Tears welled in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. “Fine,” she spat. “Just get this over with. Then you’re never touching my hair again.”

Amanda’s stomach lurched with each scrunch, scrunch, scrunch as her sister’s scissors slowly made their way around her head. Having lost the towel from her shoulders when she leapt from the stool, Amanda could feel each and every piece of her beautiful hair as it slid down her shoulders, arms, and back. Some pieces stuck to her t-shirt, others landed on her legs, but most just fell lifelessly to the floor. The floor, Amanda thought with rage swelling in her chest, where all of my hair will be before it ends up in the fucking garbage can.

“Okay,” Caitlyn said unbothered by her sister’s fury, “that’s the bulk of it. But with how short your hair is now, it’s gonna be too poofy if we keep it at one length. It’ll just look like a mushroom cap or something. I’m going to give you some light layers.”

“Fine,” Amanda growled again. She sat there thinking of how much she loved playing with her hair, braiding it, feeling the wind blow through it when she drove with the windows down, and her boyfriend’s hands in it when they had sex. All the while Caitlin cut and cut and cut and smaller pieces of hair fell around Amanda’s shoulders as her new layers emerged.

“Now the finishing touch,” Caitlyn said before flipping the switch and letting her clippers hum to life. Startled, Amanda felt them at her neck before she could react. However, much to her surprise, her sister demonstrated restraint. Caitlin buzzed only a tiny strip of hair at Amanda’s nape to ensure the bob fell in an immaculate line and then cleaned up her hairline to keep the edge sharp.

“All done!” Caitlyn said with a flourish. Amanda stormed past her sister to the bathroom to inspect the damage.

Much to Amanda’s surprise…she loved it!

Caitlyn received her sister’s apologies and praise with the same stoic detachment she did the freak out with that first severed fourteen inch lock. “Told ya,” Caitlyn smiled as she packed up her haircutting equipment.

Amanda would graduate, get a job as a CPA, get married, and change firms several times. But, no matter how life shifted around her in ways big and small over the years, she kept her bob, following Caitlyn to each salon she worked at after graduating cosmetology school.

Caitlyn always cut Amanda’s hair for free so, never wanting to take advantage of her sister, she would only pop in for a haircut every eight months or so. Her hair would grow down her neck, start tickling her shoulders, and she’d text Caitlyn for an appointment to get her hair chopped back into her bob. Then the cycle would repeat.

With her hair once more swaying around her shoulders, Amanda texted Caitlyn for an appointment as she ate lunch with her friend Mia. They’d worked together for years and Mia knew Amanda’s routine.

“So,” Mia teased, “what’s the plan this time? Maybe a pixie? Or sidecut? Buzzcut? I know! Flattop! You’ve got a sister who’s a stylist. What’s the point of having access to that if you don’t ever experiment?!”

“Nope,” Amanda said, “I like having my cute bob! I’ve had the same haircut for as long as I can remember. Literally, since Caitlyn was eighteen-years-old and in beauty school, she cut my hair the same way she cuts it now. Plus, do you want to be the pot or kettle here? At least I cut my hair into my bob.”

Mia conceded the point. Her own hair was a vibrant red and hung nearly to her waist. “I’ve thought about it,” she admitted, “but I love the feeling of my boyfriend’s hands in my hair too much. It feels so good.”

“You don’t lose that with short hair!” Amanda protested. “I love it when my husband runs his hands through my hair. So I get that sensation. But when it’s buzzed at the bottom after I get it cut short it’s even better. I get chills when he runs his fingers through it.”

Mia frowned. “Okay, but I imagine it has to feel very different to have hands running over buzzed hair as opposed to through long hair, right?”

“I love it!” Amanda said without pause. “It’s a little bit different but I think it’s better because there are no tangles to get caught in! And I love feeling the little buzzed part! Plus, I think the long hair makes my face look too long. My face looks…fuller with it short. Not in a bad way, in a healthy way!”

Mia gathered her hair protectively over her shoulder and said, “I think I’m just going to take your word for it.”

That night Mia smiled as her phone lit up with a text from Amanda and a picture of her freshly bobbed hair. “It feels SO great!!!!!!” then “I just washed it for the first time!!!! Ahhhhh sooo wonderful!!!!! Just a little shampoo, I can reach my entire scalp. Sooo lovely.”

Mia laughed and replied, “Well I’m happy for you. I can’t wait to see Amanda Classic in person again tomorrow!”

Amanda arrived at work with her cute bob once more in place and the cycle began again. Though this time it would be interrupted with beautiful news. Amanda and her husband Gary had been trying to start a family for about a year and, as her hair began slowly growing down her neck once more, she learned she was pregnant!

Focused on all the parent-to-be stuff Amanda let her hair go. There was a nursery to decorate, baby-proofing to do, and a bunch of parenting books to read. While the books did a good job of quelling anxiety in the lead up to their daughter’s arrival, after she was born, Amanda and Gary quickly found out sharing every moment of their lives with a little human was a thrilling, terrifying, exhausting, beautiful only-learn-by-doing sort of experience.

Amanda’s hair was well past time for its shoulder-length shearing when she found out she was pregnant so, by the time her daughter was six-months-old her hair was hanging long, rolling and flowing all down her breast.

It wasn’t the length that led Amanda to text her sister to see when she could stop by for an appointment though. She had come to love the forgotten feel of her long hair laying down her back. She loved the ponytails and buns and braids. She even smiled (as well as wincing) when her daughter Lee would grab fistfuls of her hair to tug. No, it was the postpartum hair loss that was starting to drive Amanda mad. Her hair was everywhere and with it being so long that made the cleaning all the more frustrating.

Amanda’s phone chimed. “I’m extremely slow this week. You can come in whenever.”

Amanda felt a little nervous as she typed her reply. “Sweet, so it’s ok if I come by tomorrow? How does 2:30 look?” Where are these nerves coming from? she wondered as she waited for Caitlyn’s reply. Amanda realized she was scared of cutting her hair short again. Oh, she thought, well that’s not the plan. I’m just having her cut off a couple inches. I like being a long haired-mommy.

Though that didn’t quiet all the nervous butterflies. A few continued to flap.

Caitlyn’s reply chimed. “Perfect. I’ll see you then!”

The next afternoon Amanda pulled into the salon. Baby-free for her errands, she didn’t even have Spotify playing in the car. She was taking advantage of every quiet moment she had. The front of the salon Caitlyn worked at was a wall of windows and Amanda could see for herself how slow it was. Each of the six stylist’s chairs were empty and her sister was talking with one of her coworkers as they sat alone in the waiting area.

“Hey Amanda!” Caitlyn waved as her sister walked in. “I’m so glad you texted! Thank you for helping break up the monotony for us this week.”

“I felt lucky you were free. The hair loss is getting to be too much. Something a little shorter will make my life easier,” Amanda said as she settled into her sister’s chair.

“I know exactly what you mean,” Caitlyn said. She had two kids of her own and hadn’t grown her hair longer than a chin-length bob since the first one arrived. She draped the white salon cape around her sister and, as she pulled her dark hair out from under the cape she said, “It’s going to feel so good once you get rid of all this.”

“Um, well, wait? What do you mean?” Amanda asked with the number of butterflies in her stomach multiplying.

“You’re cutting your hair. That’s why you’re here. Wow,” she laughed, “that pregnancy brain is in full swing.”

“No, I want it short…but just a little shorter. Just take off an inch or two. I really love having it long again,” Amanda clarified.

POP. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

“Nope, this has to go,” Caitlyn said inverting the hair clippers Amanda hadn’t even seen her sister pick up and plunging them into the hair at the back of her neck. Unlike when Amanda was in college and Caitlyn slowly chopped her hair off with scissors, the clippers mowed through her hair with lightning speed.

Darting in again and again, Amanda heard the bzzzzzt and then the clippers would make contact with her neck as she’d feel a foot of her hair slide down her back and land on the floor.

This time the tears did fall. Her quiet voice full of emotion Amanda protested, “But I don’t want to cut my hair short. I grew this hair when I was pregnant with Lee. I don’t want it cut off.”

Caitlyn drove her clippers through the last long lock hanging over Amanda’s right shoulder. As Amanda watched the last of her long hair slide into her lap, Caitlyn said, “Yeah, you’re emotional. Welcome to being a new mom. But you’re here because you’re losing hair. It’s going to grow back as thick as ever but it’ll be awhile until it does. So cutting your hair short will make it look fuller. Plus, you won’t have to worry about Lee yanking on it all the time.”

For the first time in over two years Amanda had a rough bob swinging right below her jaw. “But I want it long. I like it long,” Amanda cried, her tears falling faster and more freely now.

Feeling uncomfortable, Caitlyn’s coworker excused herself to the breakroom in the back of the salon. However, as when she was eighteen, Caitlyn didn’t feel the slightest pause at her sister’s sobs.

She combed through Amanda’s freshly bobbed locks and as she began sectioning it said, “Remember when I cut your hair the first time? You were so pissed. But as soon as you looked in the mirror you fell in love with it. And you kept your like that for twelve years. I was right then and I’m right now.”

Amanda heard a click as her sister placed a guard on her clippers. “I know what I’m doing,” Caitlyn reminded her once more, “and you used to love this. You loved how it felt buzzed at the back, remember?”

Try as she might, Amanda couldn’t remember the velvety softness. All she could think of was what she lost, how long it would take to grow back, and how it wouldn’t be the hair she’d grown while pregnant – no matter how long it got.

Amanda’s stomach was queasy as she felt her sister place the humming clippers on her neck and slide them up into her hair…over her nape, over her occipital bone, and over her crown, stopping just below the hair pinned up on the top of her head. Panic set in as she felt an inordinately large swath of her hair cut free and slide down the back of her neck to join the feet of hair already laying on the floor.

“What…?” Amanda asked, unable to fully process what was happening.

“I told you,” Caitlyn said, “your hair’s thinning. It’s falling out. It’s everywhere. So I’m cutting it short because you love your hair short, it’ll make your hair look fuller, and there won’t be anything for your daughter to tug.”

NOTHING to tug?! Amanda choked back a sob. Her tears fell in fresh waves, streaking her cheeks. “How short are you going?”

But Amanda didn’t have to ask. At that moment Caitlyn was sliding the clippers over her right ear. As hair fell like rain she said, “Don’t worry. I’m leaving it longer for you. This is a #2. You’ve got a quarter inch of hair left. This will be cute and practical. You’ll love it.”

Amanda could see the whiteness of her skin peeking through her hair. The queasiness swimming in her stomach had become full blown nausea. The same thoughts kept circling in her head. My head is buzzed. My hair is buzzed. My long hair is gone and I have a buzz cut. What will I look like once she’s done?

“There you go,” Caitlyn said cheerfully, rubbing the freshly buzzed back of Amanda’s head after she’d sheared the last bit of long hair at her sister’s left temple. Gone were the goosebumps Amanda once felt when her husband played with the buzzed back of her bob. Instead she winced as the short stubble slid back and forth under her sister’s hand. All she felt was regret.

“Now the top,” Caitlyn said as she undid the hair pinned on top of her sister’s head. Amanda watched the rough bob fall back into place, momentarily hiding the fact that two-thirds of her head was now shaved. She had cried so hard watching her long hair cut off but now this terrible bob seemed wildly long compared to what was under it. Compared with what was to come.

“You can leave it like this,” Amanda suggested in a quiet voice. “An undercut is short, right? That’s easier.”

But Caitlyn was already wetting the remaining long hair on her sister’s head. “No, this will be better. You were never good with maintaining your bob and that just leads you back to long hair being tugged and falling out everywhere,” she said. Amanda’s heart was already too heavy to feel any relief when Caitlyn left her hair clippers on the counter and instead picked up her scissors. Placing her hand on the back of her sisters head she began cutting off any hair above her fingers.

Slicing through lock after lock, Caitlyn chatted about how much Amanda will love her new mom haircut. Amanda couldn’t even focus on the words. All she saw was the growing pile of wet locks on her shoulders and in her lap.

After what seemed like an eternity of falling hair, Amanda saw her sister set her scissors down and pick up her blow dryer. In a few moments Caitlyn smiled, “There! See? I told ya this would be better.”

Amanda had no more tears left to cry as her sister ruffled her new haircut. Most of the remaining hair seemed too short to lay down. Her hair became gradually longer moving to the front with bangs just long enough to brush into a side part now the longest hair left on her head. I have a little boy’s haircut, Amanda mourned. My long mommy hair is gone – buzzed off for this.

She felt like throwing up when Caitlyn took the cape from around her shoulders and those clumps of cut off hair joined the rest on the floor. The feeling only intensified as she tentatively ran her own hand up the buzzed back of her head and into the short, short hairs left on top. She did her best to avoid looking in the mirrors all around her as Caitlyn tucked her own chin-length bob behind her ears and pulled Amanda in for a hug goodbye.

“You have to come back sooner with your hair like this. You can’t let this get overgrown like you did your bob. I want to see you every month,” Caitlyn said as she looked at the computer to book an appointment. “How’s the fourteenth next month? At 2:30 again?”

Amanda could only nod. “You had your cute little bob for a decade,” Caitlyn said with a hint of nostalgia in her tone. “And now you’re in your pixie cut years! Welcome to motherhood, sis.” But I’m not a short hair girl anymore, Amanda thought, I didn’t want this. This isn’t me…

The drive home from her sister’s salon had never felt longer. This time no fun pictures or texts were sent to Mia. The car remained silent…but now the silence felt oppressive, a cold reminder of what she lost. Amanda cringed each time she caught a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror. Despite how much she hated the haircut she couldn’t stop touching it, hoping it was all some kind of bad dream, praying her fingers would find her beautiful long hair waiting when they reached up. Each time Amanda ran her fingers through the short locks on her head and down the buzzed sides and back she cried a little bit harder.